Help I'm seriously struggling

I think you need to look @ who is telling you that you are to blame? And knowing what you do about him, treat this nastiness with the contempt it deserves. Going to meetings isn’t enough & him simply abstaining from gambling may not be enough for you. You really need your own support to be able to make sense of what you want & need from him because as much as you are hurting you are the only rational one here & as long as he’s pointing the finger @ you, he’s able to keep running from acceptance.

Him walking off smug made me shudder because my mum used to do that to me...Twist my words & smile @ how I was “much worse” than she was. I know it’s not remotely similar because I too am the clown that let gambling rule my life where as you are the innocent victim of his addiction but smugness doesn’t generally come from people who have a right to feel it.

It’s not my place to judge but I wanna call him a rude name because no, GA does not encourage us to deposit blame for our atrocious actions @ the doors of others & I don’t imagine a professional would either. Consolidating his debts in your name as well isn’t something I would have recommended but you had your reasons & my cynical side feels that his brief spell compliance may have been lip service in order to facilitate this.

Other people will be along soon but I would say, don’t let him bully you, trust your instinct & figure out some support for you either counselling or GamAnon. You can’t go on like this, it’s not living & it’s not his place to dictact your happiness. Take what steps you need to look after you - ODAAT

The classic flip reverse, it 100% is not your fault. The "Well if you had done this" or "If you had done that" are nonsense to make himself feel better, and that is just not right. And even smiling and being smug about it will do nothing but let him carry on gambling and when it all goes wrong blame you. You need to call Gamcare and get some proper guidance on this one. Take care of yourself dont get bullied by an addict.

I’ve had the max counselling sessions I’m entitled to from here and the helpline doesn’t really offer input when in a crisis other than sY it’s difficult etc. I was shocked that the counselling is giving him power to turn it back to me. I’m left wondering if they Are saying that I am somehow a trigger etc. The issue is his but what if they are permitting him to blame me without even noticing that? He is very manipulative and prone to hear something as completely different to how I do if we both present in any conversation. Is this a normal blip ? He is so argumentative all the time and talks to me with zero respect- I then assert that it’s not acceptable and he will turn that that it’s me with the problem - “listen to you”..

i have two weeks to apply for eldest secondary school place ... kids desperate to stay as a family. No money to facilitate stability or separate... school fees are a huge stretch now when under one roof

Hi look to the future. Odaat and smashed are right. I can't believe gamcare can't talk on the phone. I've found it depends who you get, one told me 'oh well I'll let you go!' That's not help. So this isn't your fault. It doesn't sound like he's had any counselling or gone to GA. Admit, be humble, honest, make amends. You need support, can you not get to a meeting? Gamanon is online on Sunday nights, look that up. I'm sorry you've also had to get a joint loan, that is definitely not recommended by anybody. He's playing the blame game, anybody but him. I'm sure he's smug, he's got you to bail him out, he's got you tied up in his mess. What did you learn at your counselling? You may as well behave as if he has left. Just ignore him. Try and get better control of the finance. Get support from anywhere. I've looked up coda meetings, smart recovery, alanon all can help. Unfortunately it's not coming from him, so you need to change this cycle.

He is working overtime to try repair some financial damage, going to counsellinG, etc but it feelie the problem is still there- he is seeking tto blame me through the process- hard done by husband working over time Nd still wife not happy. I have zero earning power due long term condition and get modest I’ll health pension which I pay household expenses/ food whilst earns far more and pays most utilities, mortgage and fees. (Until recently all secretly subsidised by loans as he was spending his salary on gambling) hence the debt consolidation. He knows I’m financially dependent and the kids are and has refused to give me space by staying with a friend couple nights as it’s as much his house as mine. Without my earlier salary earnings, inheritance, current income and credit availability he would have lost all sooner - I’m unwittingly enabling because I have to step in to protect children if going lose the house etc. But I have no further option to do so. This time he’s confided in a friend who I trust but husband is such expert at manipulating people s words that friend is now being used as an ally to blame me I suspect without him realising. I have no where to walk out to and go , I told dchool financial issues and asked for bursary help but they assessed husbands sLary and said too high (if I tell them full story it will probably impact on their offering scholarship which they’ve proposed as it will show them husband not reliable for remaining amount fees if that makes sense). My daughter has a couple of health issues which means that despite me wanting get off financial treadmill or paying fior school- she will suffer in a bigger state school. I don’t want to punish her for her fathers problems. Legal help is all up in the air- apparently starting point is fifty fifty leading tio husband be comfortably off and me and kids unable to be housed in our region and will be forced relocAte ftom our support network of friends and obviously need whole new schooling system which means be bottom of pile as can’t achieve all of that in time to get School places in the normal deadlines. Im trapped where I am to try to maintain best day to day and long term for kids all the while knowing he could sabotage it all overnight.

He clearly feels angry and as if it is my fault, despite it being his gambling, his lyrelyibg on me to bail out or facilitate bail out, and him being driving gircevof opting into privTe education. He convinced me he was stable, no urges to gamble etc and ironically it was the process of moving to private school that gave him i opportunity to start gambling again and hide it.

I’m I have limited mobility which means I’m fine day to day when I cn do things at my pCe but when he is around and wants us to go out as a family I am a hindrance and am left either struggling or needing to ask him for help. Both re demeaning because it’s not graciously given help and it makes me feel indebted to him- I hate it. I feel like he uses this. He tries to compare gambling to my walking and that both are illnesses we can’t help and both impact on other person. That makes me angry as I don’t feel me walking slowly has anything like the impact his gambling does.

Hi l totally understand why you've done things financially. I understand you want to maintain family life. I think you should keep seeking help from gamcare via the phone or netline. Can you talk to your husbands friend and ask why he's blaming you? Have you finished couples therapy? I don't understand. If he's got a problem with your lack of mobility why is that a reason to punish you? I agree with you. Unfortunately if you are going to continue in this situation you need to work out how to amicably.

How he has been in the past? You say he is manipulative and tends to twist people's words- how long this has been going on? I'd certainly seek help for yourself - counselling but not necessarily gambling-related- in addition to attending Gam Anon or CODA as you are obviously in a very vulnerable position and he sounds emotionally abusive.

I’m just reviewing my previous threads to see where I’m at.... it seems nothing really got much better for any degree of time. And yes he’s often shown controlling or hurtful behaviour and manipulating people’s words or appearing to goad rather than just talk or chat , preferring sparring or debate as his normal. I’ve always reviewed these behaviours as they e escalated into revelations that he’s secretly gambled sbd got debts etc as being part of the cg and he has always attributed most behaviours to this admitting that he did feel angry because I was making him have to lie even though he recognised I wasn’t but his actions were. I don’t think he can shake this after off- loading, getting help etc as soon as there is a practical financial solution things seem to dluobegaviour eise again. Perhaps it is not part of the Cg but rather c g is part of this set of behaviours. I definitely think he needs to win - gambling, work, ideas, debates etc. He creates situations where he can do this and there is no normality without this.,