I've been with my husband for 17 years on and off (married for 8)and he has gambled throughout that time. In the past he has emptied the bank account and took out loans without my knowledge and done all of the things that CG do. He has also been violent with his mood swings and we have split up a few times, but I have always taken him back.
Since Oct 2013 he hasn't gambled and has been going to GA regularly. I thought that things would naturally get better between us but that hasn't happened.
He tells me how supportive GA are - which I think is great and I ask him about the meetings. He swings from talking to me about it to saying that he can't tell me anything because I don't understand and he can't talk to me. He tells me that I am no use to him and no support emotionally and that I won't accept that his problem is also mine as I am affected by it. He says I do nothing about any of our problems and that when he gets angry, it's because I've wound him up. He rants on and on and then will not let me say my piece. He says he wants understanding and respect and for me to take some responsibility for our problems (not the gambling). He says I bring nothing to the table (he reads a lot of stuff and talks online to people) and that he wants me to do something.
I feel like I'm drowning it all... His gambling and understanding why etc and then our own problems where he says I treat him badly - which I do not agree with. Admittedly I don't confide in him and I think that he swings from one extreme to another so I try to keep the piece. I said to him that I just 'fitted in' with him and his moods and now he keeps throwing it in my face during a row - saying 'little miss fitting in - what are you going to do now'.
There's so much to say....I can't help thinking that this is the end of the road for us. He suggested counselling which I agreed to and I arranged - appt is next week. Last night we had a row because I apparently hadn't shown enough interest in the fact he had been referred for counselling - even though we had a conversation about it, but he said I said nothing..
Any help or advice would be massively appreciated..I'm at my wits end
Hello Joanne
Just so you know I'm a cg
As you say there is so much to say and what's gone on for the 17 years of your relationship is bound to have a lot of issues.
Sounds like going to counselling could be a good idea for you both. Providing a safe space for you and him to air your feelings
Sure a partner of a gambler will post soon but i wanted to share just so you knew you weren't alone.
Wish you the best in the future
Triangle
Hi joanne - So sorry to read of your situation.
I hope the counselling helps, but from what you say it sounds as if your husband has more issues to resolve than simply gambling - anger management for starters.
Does he belong to this site? If not perhaps you could suggest he tries us out.
Like triangle I am a CG so cannot advise you from the 'family' angle, but I would suggest you look at the Diary section and find input from Shelleyb. I am sure you would find her comments very interesting.
Best wishes,
Joanna
Hi, I recognise a lot of what you say. I can't really give advice as I'm in a similar position with my partner, who has stopped but I feel as though I'm his emotional punchbag for when the feelings get too much. It is very hard - He's on edge because he's not gambling, and the smallest disagreement sets him off, and he can be very nasty. But if I react, I'm accused of not understanding that he's going through the hardest thing in his life, and not supporting him. I try to support him, but it never seems enough. Almost as though having a scapegoat is a replacement for gambling, maybe?
I've given myself a deadline - if it isn't better in a certain amount of time I'm leaving. I can accept his fragility while he overcomes a horrible problem (CG), but if it becomes an excuse for emotional abuse I'll have to go. Which is tough as I'll be leaving him to face his addiction alone.
Hi x
Here's how a CG gambler can affect a partners normal thinking.....I read your diary and thought " o*g my husband is a bigamist too"
Ok there were a few things different but on the whole there are lots of f&f diaries I've read over the last year or so and everyone of them could have been my husband.
Not being able to take responsibility for their own actions seems to be a common theme amongst CG and none of it is your fault nor Is it your responsibility to fix them. You can't. Doesn't matter how much you try, no amount of help will make a blind bit of difference. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but after giving the best years of my life to a CG with 15 years of empty promises of recovery, never doing it again, separating, him threatening suicide - you name it I think I've pretty much experienced all there was he could throw at me.
Your husband has to 1) admit honestly he has a problem not just say it but believe it 2) truly want help to stop 3) put everything in place to stop 4) accept all you have to throw at him in return as you clearly try to understand his problem or you wouldn't be here now 5) be willing to under go any questions you have 6) remain open and honest about EVERYTHING not just money.
On the other hand for you it's no picnic, if you decide you want to support him cos you can't do it for him there is gamcare counselling for you too as you may need it, be prepared to keep checks on him weekly perhaps. Experian are good to do financial checks. Costs 15 approx but for me paying this weekly was a lot cheaper than 3000 a week my husband blew. Wouldn't mind be he moaned at me spending 10 a month on coffee pods that only I drank!!!! Take control of the finances etc hold the purse strings.
Although I had all these things in place it didn't stop my husband. He was sneaky underhand cunning you name it. He sunk to depths I didn't know a human being could get to. He let me and my children live in fear letting us believe that someone had broken in to our home and stolen identity. I reported this to action fraud everything. I was so gullible. It was of course him all along.
He got angry & aggressive when confronted. The look on his face - pale with bulging eyes is one neither me or my children will forget in a hurry.
Please don't take on his guilt although it's often easier said than done.
I couldn't put myself or my children through one more dose of what he was dealing out. A month ago I'd had enough. He tipped me over the edge with his gambling and lying. I'm now on my own fighting a new battle. I no longer fight the bets the lies the deceit the self pity he showed.
My new battle is for me and my children. Yes it's tough coping with the grief that is a marriage my husband so willingly threw away in favour of a betting life but the sense of relief that I'll never have to go through the things he did to us emotionally & mentally again is immense. I'm building a life for me and my children my way. The honest way. The only way.
I wish you the very best I truly do
Shelly
10 on coffee pods
not in my house
but good distraction as a gambler to focus on instead of the pain of the addiction
Hi Joanne and Shelly
I am so happy to finding this support. It is first time i actually seeking help and telling instead holding inside me. I am a wife of gambler and nobody knows he is. Tonight I am sitting and wondering were our relationship will go. I am so glad that we do not have children as it will be more difficult. I was looking at the website trying to find any post that will give me some hope that may there is a way to change or help. At the moment he is quite upset as I compared him as physical abuser after program we watched together and I try to justify why women are staying with abusive husbands as i felt exactly same last year when he spend our holiday money and we had to take a loan in order not to cancel holiday, that time i made decision that i will stay and muddle true . I made the choice 8 years ago to say I do even through I knew he has a problem. I had a choice to walk away but i did not. We had a fantastic time and I love spending time
with him. He is my rock and adviser he is my soulmate and i love him to bits i feel i cannot live without him . He does work and works hard but almost all money goes online. He was upset that he hasn't got enjoyment so we agreed last year that he can gamble 250 a month i have an access to check we set up a limit . It was good for few month as you all know , till I get a bombshell that we cannot go on holiday as he hasn't got saved money. I let my guard down!!!! We had almighty row he made me feel that all is my fault and as I am studying and working too much and if i am not happy in our relationship i should leave him. Yes i did thought for 4 days waiting for apology eventually, i accepted as fear of being on my own was stronger. Shame that i am unable to keep my marriage. The harm was done my heart was hurt emotional damaged was done .The lies, sneaking. So yes i do feel its abuse and i am tolerating and allowing him to do this to me. Yes we do not have bruises to show but how about emotional abuse we suffer !!! So yes yesterday i did told him that as in discussion and he feels very hurt. So do I for past 8 years, so he asked me to leave him today but I asked him to leave me . If he really loves me he will do anything to stop hurting me . As we at the moment working and living abroad so I think his plan is to go on holiday and not to comeback with me funny he still, wants to go on holiday with me as we paid flights and hire car . So he cannot understand how i can be so horrible to him and call him as abuser but is ok to hurt me for 8 years!!! I wanted to find the happy story that it works and there is hope !!!? I admire you both especially when they kids are involve the emotional stress is unbearable !!? Well done Shelly and good luck Joanne its feel much better to speak out with people that going true the same emotions. Kristina
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