Help my fiancГ© is gambling I don't know what to do

Hi Anna15,

I am so very sorry to hear your story as many of us on here, myself included have lied & stolen to fund our disgusting habit 🙁

I 'spent' so much money on 'treatments'...I should look like Audrey Hepburn but needless to say I don't as they were all fictitious.

I wish I could tell you that it will all be ok but the truth is unless he wants to stop (& even then it is very hard) there is little you can do! My guess is he isn't hurting you on purpose, it's just something that gets into our head when we gamble that makes us crazy.

Please don't blame yourself for loving him enough to believe his lies, us compulsive gamblers are a manipulative lot.

I do so hope the experts @ the meetings will help you through this terrible time.

Best wishes!

I think your right the hypnotherapy sounds like it's going to be really expensive. He's now booked himself for one to one session with local gambling charity. I'm hoping this will help but I did have to beg with him to try it.

Today I told him exactly how am feeling and didn't really get a reaction from him. He had the attitude of it's all been said but he will prove himself. I'm really losing hope with him. Then 10 mins later he was asking me to buy his phone back which tells me he hasn't heard a word I've said. I feel good I'm standing my ground and not giving into his demands. I now know it can be done and he has to suffer the consequences of his mistakes were in the past I've always helped him out of sticky situation.

Problem with us compulsive gamblers is we live in a dream world when gambling. Your fiancГ© does feel shame, embarrassment, stress etc. the way we cope with those emotions is too block them out. We convince ourselves that we can win big and will show everyone their wrong. I'm guessing your fiancГ© is angry with your for not buying into dream and believing in him. If his not getting money from you and has no money of his is own, than getting loans will be his next step. the overwhelming vast majority of the community have never stolen to feed their habit. If your fiancГ© refuses to wake up from his dream and come back to reality and face real life. Than I think you know what the final step is

I'm feeling a bit more positive about his recovery today. I felt like was getting through to him last night but I know this is going to be a long road. I've given him till new year to get prefessional help. If he doesn't do this ur right the only option I have is to not be in the relationship. He can only get better if he helps himself. We have put together a plan to the next few weeks will see if he sticks to them. All I can do is hope and pray it works this time. I'm trying to support him without giving him money.

Hi Anna,

Just checking in & pleased to see you are feeling a bit more hopeful 🙂 He will need every bit of support you can give him, it's a very difficult road. One of the phrases my partner used when I came up with 'ideas' as to how I would gamble 'safely' was "I don't think that's a good idea." It was disappointing to hear him not buying into my 'dreams' but he wasn't saying "No" which felt like although he wasn't enabling me, he wasn't being too hard either & that was very good for me.

Weeks are a long time on this journey so each day he may need reminding that just for today he must not gamble (for your peace of mind, tomorrow is just another today).

All the best - ODAAT

P.s: Also need to clarify my use of the word stolen - I did not mean in the criminal sense, I use the word @ home both for 'robbing Peter to pay Paul' & also for the money that I have manipulated from loved ones because I know if I had told them @ the time what it was for they wouldn't have parted with it & I wrote it without thinking 🙁 Thanks matt_london for pointing it out & apologies if I offended anyone!

Hi ODaat

ive just read your post and everything you've said rings true with my partner. He's got to the point now were he's begged and borrowed from every possible person there is no one left. Thank you for your guidance in helping me help him. It is so hard not to get angry and say things I don't mean but this isn't going to help him. I'm trying to look forward get him support to beat this.

I did have to give him some money to buy perol otherwise he wouldn't have got to work. I had this horrible feeling he was going to let me down again and I hated myself for it but this is what it's come to. I know he used all of it for petrol as it was only small amount. I have made if clear the days of me giving him money are over not I expect to be paid back every month. I've also started handing over my savings to my mum and told her exactly what I'll be giving every month so no excuses not to pay me back as she will be expecting it.

It's been a week and I'm taking each day at a time. I'm usually such a positive person but there are times in the day I just want to curl up and cry as I'm so disappointed in him for what he's done and the position he's put us both in.

I'd love to say it's only money but it's so very much more than that for everyone affected by this miserable disease 🙁

You may need to consider support for yourself moving forwards as you don't want this destruction to bring you down any further than it already has. A week is a really long time but he is broke so the real test will be when he has access to money again & I really do hope for you that he finds the strength not to blow things! Have you considered asking if he would allow you to try & support him by handling his finances? It's a huge commitment for you as you would need to dish out pocket money but it was an invaluable tool in my getting firmly on my road to recovery.

Be strong - ODAAT

Thank you for your support. I hasn't actually considered the time when he gets paid and after reading your post we had a discussion. He's going to get his wages put in to my account. I will pay out bills then give him back the little he will have left to live on for the month. I wok away very often so wouldn't be able to give him money daily. He will give me access to online banking and show me proof were his money is going to. Then he knows he can't get away with lying to me. He's seems to be happy with this we will see how it goes next month.

Im the type of person who likes to makes lists and to do budget plans for savings. He said to me that made him sometimes feel pressured to get the money so would therefore turn to gambling to try make more money. I'm not saying I was the reason he did it. But talking it through with him made me realise how that made him feel. So I now know to just keep note myself. He is aware of the amount we need but this way he won't feel as pressurised. So I'm really grateful for your response as again I think we are making progress.

I now take a day at a time but can see a tiny light at the end of his road to recovery.

I now feel like he actually wants to get help for himself not just to make me happy.

Yes he's lost a lot if money and your right I wish could say it's only money but it's not and it's was for our future. I just want him to be free from this disease so we can look to the future.

He has also started coming on here to read peoples stories and get advice so it's looking more positive.

Brilliant...These are giant leaps for him & proof that he really does care 🙂

I know I will never be 'cured' but sites like this gave me a kick to finally accept I could never control myself & have been as good for me as meetings are for other people. It would be great if they have the same profound affect for you.

I would say keep on doing your lists (you have done nothing wrong), you were only budgeting with money you had to budget with, it was his choice to try & get more! I would be interested to see what he wanted the extra money for, if it was material things maybe you could include them in your plans? If it was just to have money in his pocket, this is the mind of a compulsive gambler, never happy with out lot!

Keep looking after you & working together - ODAAT

hi anna, im glad your getting things sorted. coming on here is a massive step in the right direction. im a compulsive gambler and put loved ones through hell but at the time as matt said in his post - its a dream world. he hopefully will wake up and smell the coffee. you need to keep in busy, get him a hobby like fishing or go for long walks. we mainly gamble through boredom. meeting definatly work! its just another excuse, we know every trick in the book. be strong, when he beggs for money dont give a penny, if he wants something go with him and buy it. and most importantly if he as any freinds that gamble and dont want to support him to give up then get rid of them. their not true friends.

all the best, its a long hard journey but the rewards are priceless

I just wannasay that slipups will happen along the way, please don't expect it to be a smooth journey.

Good luck

So we've had a good few days. He agreed to show me receipts which he had done so all the money he has been accounted for. I do understand that this journey is going to be long and hard but I don't know whether I will accept slip ups. I think if he really wants to do this then he won't. I been there for him throughout the last year when he continued to gamble now I'm at the point were won't accept it. That may be unfair to him but I've also got to look out for myself. I can't keep being there when he does it. He now understands this is his final chance to not do it.

He has started going bck to the gym as know it was mentioned it can be through boredom. Tonight is his first one to one counciling session so feeling positive again about his progress.

This week will really test him. I'm away with work for 5 days so he has small amount money to buy some food. I can't help thinking will he try go make even more money so he can go out at weekend or will he stick to the plan and buy the essentials he needs. I'll be expecting him to take photos of the receipts send them to me while I'm away. I'm giving him a small amount of faith just hoping he doesn't let me down. He hasn't asked me further money this week but I know won't get manipulated into giving in to him anymore.

weve also agreed when he gets paid ill will take his wages now give him small amount pocket money just for essentials. He owes me the priority of his wages so just hoping when payday comes he remembers how far he's come. From next month they will be paid straight into my account. I hate feeling like I can't completely trust what he says but this is what this disease has done to us. He's now in week two with long road to go.

keep up the good work, keep coming on with your updates. you seem to have things under control. trust is hard after what you have been through but still tell him you beleive in him and together you will get through it