Here we go again

Dear diary

Well yesterday went from bad to worse. Having been confronted about his latest round of gambling by our daughter he got progressively aggressive and nasty. It culminated in him trying to take another 1000 from our bank to no doubt blow it on a fruit machine. I took the laptop from him so he couldn't access my internet banking and he exploded. I'm sorry my little boy had to see it but if he hadn't of screamed at his dad and tried to run in between us I'm afraid of where his hand would have landed.

Husband then ran out and not seen him since. However, I've now got 2 little boys and a daughter who's scared of him coming back and scared of leaving me alone. How can you erase those pictures from their minds?

Hey Shellyb,

This actually sounds like a worrying situation. I've never been married and except for one blip managed to stop gambling back in 09. So please don't think I'm preaching or being high-handed, but I'm genuinely worried about your posts. I think you should maybe consider informing the police. Just so if he comes back in later, steaming, then you can tell him how seriously you have taken his last episode.

If THIS doesn't shock him into action, then I would suggest you look to your family's protection and kick his sorry a*s out.

I can only speak for myself, but as a compulsive gambler I only found the strength to change when I chose to and finally reached my own personal rock bottom. Before that, no amount of family, friends, money-loss, external pressure would ever have convinced me to stop. When I won (on those oh so rare occasions) I felt omnipotent and all powerful - justified in my choices. When I lost (most times), I felt so d**n horrible and low that I'd look for anything and anyone to blame - refusing to take responsibility for my actions.

With respect, your husband sounds a million miles away from self-realisation and wanting to change. 'Crocodile tears' at the time, then anger in the morning at how you are stopping him from winning all the money back and righting the wrongs, etc.

This must now be about you. It's clear he's made his choice for the moment. Sometimes we get so used to terrible situations as 'normal' that we forget what happy, loving, mutual respectful relationships are.

If this really is the hundredth chance you've given him, then I recommend tough love, and personal safety for your children. Emotional damage can take a life-time to come to terms with. Imagine the guilt you'd feel if they came to you in twenty years and asked you why you didn't leave, and how now they're struggling to form happy, meaningful relationships of their own?

Your husband's gambling addiction is not your problem, if he refuses all help and doesn't want to really stop. BUT, what you do from here on in IS your problem. Very harsh of me to say. Hope you understand I'm saying this because I'm sincerely concerned by what you wrote.

Best wishes to you,

Molehole x

Hello molehole and thank you for taking the time to read and reply

I totally agree with all you have said. Unfortunately this has been on going for too many years. My eldest is 19 and has on many occasions said " mum, no more, I'm sick of this existence "

I should have listened but always thought I was doing the right thing

Now I have 2 sons one of which is just 9 and yesterday cried to me saying that he remembers going thro his dad's temper tantrums and promises etc 3 times and he's only wondering how many times he doesn't remember - he's sure he doesn't want to experience this misery again.

My 11 year old obviously wants his mum and dad to be together but not under these circumstances.

I know in my head and my heart that my husband will never give up this destructive soul destroying past time..

He said it was a relapse, I beg to differ as again it was planned calculated on hidden for a couple of months and would only have got worse if the bank statement of an account hadn't arrived when he was at work.

I'm not a monster that he couldn't talk to. I'm the only one who's stood by him for 15 years so he had ample opportunity to stop confess and not make it worse but he made a conscious decision to continue.

I tried yesterday to contact the domestic abuse helpline but got scared and hung up. I know I shouldn't keep what he's done to myself but years of 'brain washing' for want of a better expression, from him telling me I'll make it worse, he' ll lose his job, I'll cause any income to vanish etc has made it almost impossible to tell anyone.

I have good friends who I could tell, but I'm ashamed. I know in my head I've done nothing to be ashamed of but opening my mouth and nothing comes out except " I'm ok" - years of practice!!!

He's still not shown his face but I'm still afraid he will. He'll have to turn up for his stuff at some point and he does own half the house.

My boys even slept in my bed last night- I'm not sure if it was out of fear their dad would be back or they felt like they had to look after me. Either way it's totally out of character for them

You sound like a good person in a bad situation.

You have also answered your own question in your last post.

Years of being made to feel in the wrong can affect self-respect and stop us from making the changes we need to make, even though we know we need to make a change.

Please don't make me spell it out in a very judgemental way... I think you know what you need to do.

Like I said, I've never been married so it's easy for me to say. I think, based on what you've posted only, you know it's time to leave him.

I'm here to listen if you choose to, hundreds of people reading this forum will support you too (maybe with different advice, but support). It sounds to me that after fifteen years of trying you have suffered enough and now have found the strength to live for yourself and your children.

Be well, M

You are right and I know this Inside I just need the courage and strength to make the move, I know it's going to leave me homeless/ in debt possibly. I also know by leaving it moves my children away from what they know and love and they will see that as my fault as I'll be the one moving them

I feel they've lost so much already and I'll be taking that last little bit of hope away

Half-Life speaks the truth. But even she underestimates the true power of gambling.

The more people told me what to do and tried to take control of my access to money, the more it made me feel they're some old Margaret Thatcher trying to control my life. It won't stop me. Nothing would've stopped me except my own realisation I wanted to stop.

Understand?

mx

Sadly yes I do understand. On the road to his last supposed recovery he used to use this site and even goes to gamcare councellor but even that wasn't enough.

He says all the right things to the right people to suck them in to his make believe world where everything is just fine

All I know I can control is my own life so I'm going to take it back and find me again.

As for him - I can do know more. I can't help I can't stand by him and I can't be his wife any longer. I won't be a part of this life

All I can say is make him come crawling on his hands and knees back to you begging your forgiveness.

Until that moment of change comes... it's all just P*****g in the wind.

More power to you Shellyb. Do it.

Molehole x

Thank you mole - unfortunately the begging is all part of the cycle. Happens every time when the threats and spite and aggression and self pity and self harm threats don't work. I can even say word for word and in what order it will all come out

I just feel such a fool. I only had my last gamcare session last month too saying all is well and got signed off!

Then you have to ask yourself the question - He's clearly not going to change, so do you stay and indulge him. Or leave..?

M

I think I finally have accepted that he's not going to ever change. I've lived behind a wall of hope for too long and in the process ruined my children's lives

I accept he is a compulsive gambler and he will never be anything different

I truly believed that the last time we went thro this almost a year to the day he was dedicated to putting his last gamble behind him. He has a recovery diary on here that is full of what he did and the positivity to put it all right. He aspired to duncs and a few others who have done so well. He attended gam care councilling. But then he decided to stop taking his anti depressants he decided to not go to his meetings he decided to stop updating his diary and he decided to go back tithe life that destroyed him and us. These were all decisions made consciously and sober and at no point was there a thought for his family.

From what I gather he is now living in his car (well it's my car he's got) and only has a few clothes and a sleeping bag tohis name. A part of me wants to pity him but a bigger part is relieved he's gone and thinks this is the life he carved out for himself and if I allowed him to continue then it could just as easily be me and the kids living like that

Hey Shellyb,

Sorry if my wording was a bit strong on Saturday - no excuse but I'd come in from having a few sherbets and was fighting an urge to try a 'cheeky tenner', (and we all know how that ends up - a very 'un'cheeky every m**o penny in my bank account!) So I came on here to read instead and thank god as usual it stopped me.

Same goes to you too Half-Life - I didn't mean that you didn't understand, I meant you only understand it from outside looking in at a CG and not the (sometimes) uncontrollable urge to gamble inside our own brains). No disrespect intended to either of you. Mx

Shellyb - perhaps your partner should consider going back to his GP and asking to be put back on the anti-depressants? If this is what's triggered him to relapse? When he stopped taking them did he taper off under medical supervision, or just decide himself to stop? Makes a big difference, as from personal experience with some SSRIs if you just stop and go cold turkey it can really affect the balance of your mind. Could explain why he sort solace in gambling again as a form of self-medicating? (Not to excuse what he's done, but might be an explanation, and if he goes back on them then things might stand a chance of repairing in your relationship?)

Either way, I hope you are doing OK. Please let us know.

Molehole x

Hi ShellyB,

Been reading your thread and wanted to post earlier. the reason I didn't was due to how familiar all this sounds and mirrors my own experience, leaving me feel numb.

I am a compulsive gambler and have been for most of my adult life. I lost my family, partner and 14 year old son to this debilitating awful disease. It was only when I lost all of the above that I decided to change my life, unfortunately its only when you have lost the things most important to you that instigates change.

You have to look after yourself and your children, they are what's important now.

I hope with all my heart that things get better for you as they are for me.

my thoughts are with you..