Here we go again

Hi molehole

Thank you but no offence was taken at all - that's the joy or solace of gamcare forum. We can come here to talk, release the urge to gamble or just to let off some steam in the hope someone else has the answers

I hope that release via the forum did it's job and stopped you from a life damaging bet. As that's what each and every bet placed or spin of a brightly coloured wheel is.

My husband just stopped taking anti depressants himself. As with everything else he thought he knew best even after me suggesting that what he was doing should have been under a doctors supervision. I didn't know he'd stopped taking them until a while after he'd stopped.

The excuse or reason for him doing it this time was he'd taken 50 from my bank account and so I didn't discover it he got an overdraft from another bank of 3000 to gamble with to win back the 50 he'd taken from me.

Beggars belief. The fact I would have noticed 50 out and 50 in didn't cross his mind.

I've heard many excuses as to why he gambled. The last being he gambled 46,000 to pay for a 3000

Holiday. But I know that's all they are...excuses.

The damaged caused is now beyond repair for me and our children and that's the saddest part of all. Losing money, friends dignity, self respect and respect from others is one thing but losing your children for me would be unbearable but this was something he was prepared to sacrifice for his last bet.

Such a shame

I always come on here every time I get an itch to bet and risk it and it's always stopped me so far. Reading people's posts keeps me real in my own (now thankfully rare) moments of weakness. It took me a lot of hard looking in the mirror to even get to this point though, but I haven't bet in nearly 5 years (except for one very minor f**k up)

Your husband sounds like a tortured soul. Maybe he's a good guy enslaved to an evil gambling god 😉 Or Maybe he's just a P***k who takes the easy option each time he feels emotionally stressed? No idea. I've never met him. I've never read his honest posts. But I'm reading yours - and whether I'm reading them drunk or sober I still reach the same conclusion: it's time for you to leave him. He doesn't deserve you. He must have deserved you once, and might well do again. But not at the moment with the choices he's making.

I don't think I can say anything more. One of the best quotes I ever heard was how once all arguments have been weighed up and thought about there comes a point where: "It's time to s**t or get off the pot".

Sounds to me like you are now at that point of choice. Leave him, or don't. Hopefully there are people in your life who will support you in whatever choice you make. Certainly the people I've met here are loving and unjudgemental - even if it's just the fantasy world of online. But your man sounds bad news in his current mind.

Mx

Shelly

Thanks for the post on my thread, to be honest seeing your name on my thread send a shiver down my spine, because I knew only too well that your return would be the result of your husband 'going back at it'

molehole is so right in what he says,you have to look out for number one, his words ring so very true.

It sickens me that gambling has destructed another life, even more so the lives of the innocent folk like yourself and your kids.

There is nothing I have to say to your husband because in truth he does not have the self belief,without that my words will fall on deaf ears.

For you it is about damage limitations, make sure the debt is put in your husbands name,be honest with everyone,yourself to start with.

You can get over this,use the forum again to build your own resolve to your right to 'recover'

Please look after yourself,your husband has made his bed,he seems content to lay in it too.

To be gifted the opportunity to be bailed out and not take it is a re-ocurring story told too many times for us the compulsive gambler

I am truly sorry you are another victim.

You have a choice,take it.

For me it took the possibility of losing my family for me to arrest my addiction,today I see the true value in the pound.

for you and yours I hope the same will come to.

To do that you need to take control of your life.

That we share, recovery is a gift

It never stops giving

Enjoy it,from your side of the fence you in my mind deserve it more.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Firstly I'd like to thank each of you for your supportive words. Sorry for the shiver down the spine duncs didn't mean to send a chill especially on a warm day 🙂

Amazingly I feel more support and honesty gained thro using this forum than I've had in 15 years with my husband.

His last visit to his gamcare counsellor was on weds night and advised to come clean. Something he didn't do. I found a bank statement on a sole account I wasn't aware still existed. He eventually told me his councellor said if he came clean that I would stand by him again. Those words above any stood out

Yes each and every time I have stood by him. I've supported his recovery. But for the first time it hit me - when has he ever supported me? I've spent my whole married life standing by him but never been able to depend on him he's never supported me.

Now I realize I don't need to be or want to be someone else's crutch just for them to throw all I give back in my face and blame me for their mistakes.

I am stronger than the last time. My children are stronger.

This may be his rock bottom but it won't be mine

Shellyb

What comes through clear is that you really love him. So give him another chance. Maybe this time he means it and will really change...

... Or maybe he'll get bored with sleeping in a car and come back to you with crocodile tears, you'll take him back and it will be wonderful again for a few months until...

In the past you would have been so right molehole but not now

Yes I hate to admit I do love him. I wouldn't have stood by him thro each bit of his destructive behavior but love isn't everything.

Strangely this time for me feels totally different. I haven't cried I haven't wondered if he's ok I haven't sat chewing my nails wondering if he's safe

The truth is I haven't given his welfare a second thought and usually these are all consuming thoughts that knot my stomach

Someone on the forum a year back said "when do you reach that point"

Someone else replied " the point of no return for each and every family member is different"

I always wondered if I'd know or even see it.

This time I KNOW

this is my point of no return, I've reached my rock bottom with his gambling. It was either me or him who had to hit the bottom first, each time he said he'd reached his but each time he sunk lower.

The race to the bottom is not one anyone in a marriage or relationship should train for but we did. And in a strange kind of way I won the race. I reached my rock bottom but I no longer have a weight round my neck holding me there. Getting up will be so much quicker

Shelly

wow you sound incredible. My god if I could meet a woman like you I'd never ever gamble again. So many chances given from love. I've never met anyone who would indulge my faults like that. Wow.

Your "other half" has failed. He doesn't respect you. He doesn't even deserve the chance to make amends. If I had someone like you with me I''d never bet again, I mean that.

Oh well, I guess we all defend the people we love...

Hi Shelly... your strength of character shines through. Onwards, upwards and forwards to progressively better times. Regards... S.A

Morning

The bank holidays are over and today is the day where I can make a start on my own financial independence,

You could say today is the first day of the rest of my life and without a hint of the strain that gambling puts on it

Onwards and upwards

Dear Shelly

I don't knbow how you have stuck it out so long. my husband has lost everything he had and I had no idea he was doing it until it was too late. His mum was his enabler and lied to my face for months when was post natal with a sick mother myself, she was supporting me. I had a small baby when I found out about his gambling, and once our tenancy was up I moved out and bought a house on my own. he was left to his own devices. He lives round the corner. I think you have definitely done the right thing leaving him, especially in the face of domestic abuse. I had counselling through gamcare and don't see it as an addiction, more a fix to a problem, insecurity or whatever it is. this helped me deal with it better. You shold never have to cope with the abuse, and watch yourself as I have spent years working with DV and the risk is greater when you leave often if it has been physical. your husband sounds like complete s**m. good on you for standing your ground, and I hope you stay strong for those beautiful children of yours. You can never change what they have experienced from their dad's behaviour only improve thier lives moving forwards. Stay strong.

Shelly

Good morning and again thanks for the kind words upon my thread, truth is the past twelve hours my mind has replayed the days when you first came here, in a desperate state,then the realisation that your husband was too writing a thread, I recall trying to find balance for you both, to make you face the same direction if you like, I related greatly to your situation,f**k it mirrored my own life in many ways, the countless times my own Sarah forgave my gambling,however destructive it was,all in the name of love.

Love is a bond that blinds,it is something we give unconditionally, you din't choose who you love do you,it is a gift in my eyes.

Bottom line is your husband seems to value a punt greater than love,his love for a punt is the biggest thing, with irony I believe if he told you that it would have gifted peace for you,you would have known what you faced, but this addiction truly does make folk behave in ways that are uncomprehendable, it is a dirty little secret,it's all consuming.

I wish your husband had given recovery the same chance, the compulsion to not gamble is just as all consuming,but and there is a huge but it comes with a great deal of effort and even more honesty.

I know the urge is there to find sanctuary in a punt,I live with it every day,but to counter that the urge to live gamble free is a greater power.

For you today is a gamble free day the same it is for me,enjoy the fact that gambling will not today reap havoc on your life,the debt won't grow,the opportunity to live will.

I too hope the same for your husband,I hope he finds the want to arrest the punt,recovery gifted me the humility to want the world to be a better place,a quality you hold in abundance, never lose that humility,be honest with yourself,it is infectious.

I hope many more of the good folk here learn the valuable all be it painful lesson you have kindly shared with the forum.

Please start taking back control of what you deserve.

A life for you and yours without the devestation that gambling waged upon it.

My support the same,unconditional.

Stepping forward never back

Duncs

If ever I needed confirmation that turning my back on a gambler was the right thing to do I got it this afternoon.

Gambling and lying turned my husband and once placid father of my children in to an aggressive angry person.

After seeing his temper flare last week and stepping in to protect me (a vision I can never erase) my sons have been on edge that their dad might just turn up.

Today there was a works van similar to their dads outside. Today I saw fear in their eyes and heard the panic in the voice racing to lock the doors.

Me and my daughter calmed the boys and distracted them with games.

Today we have been affected by a gambler but today we stood strong together.

Shelly

Today I took the first step - feels more like I giant leap into the unknown

Today I went to CAB and got all the advice I needed ( could cope with in 1 session)

I have contacted the agencies I needed to to protect my children and their security.

I also plucked up the courage to call women's aid and found the voice on the other end reassuring that actually I'm not to blame for his gambling I'm not to blame for his aggression I'm not to blame for his angry outburst and I do have the right to feel safe. My children have the right to safety. All these things I knew but to have someone tell me was clarity.

I feel very guilty but I know I've nothing to be guilty for.

I don't have to hide my husbands gambling and lies anymore. Hiding it only enabled his gambling and destructive lifestyle.

Today I feel positive. Today I have strength. Today I had the conversations I've always felt ashamed to say.

Today it's onwards and upwards

Shelly

Hello Shellyb,

I've read the first few posts and Molholes comments and yes I'm a compulsive gambler myself but I'm in tears reading your story.

Don't get me wrong I've put my family and my future wife through enough to feel disgusted about myself and couldn't complain if they would have kicked my sorry a**e.

I'm actually lost for words reading your story.

I'm so sorry what this addiction has made you going through when yet you are not even the addicted one.

I hope that you and your kids find your peace and I'm sure that you have not only mine but also everyone's full respect on this site.

And if your husband can't see how hard you have tried to help him that's sad but everybody else on here does.

I wish you all the best for the future and will full ow your posts in hope life turns more positive for you.

With all my respect

Wolfgang

Thank you Wolfgang for your wishes they are great fully received

I feel quite positive at the moment but I'm sure the future will be a bit like a roller coaster ride.

I'm also fully aware that nothing I could say or do could help my husband to stop gambling. That was a life choice he had to make for himself and he had me beside him, behind him and sometimes in front of him for every opportunity to fight the urge to gamble again. If my recovery diary from living with and being affected by a gambler can help someone stop damaging their own family then I will be so pleased.

I have read the odd thread on the recovery diaries section but sometime I felt a bit jealous for want of a better word, that people out there do stay away from the next bet because of the love they have for their family/partner/children & that my husband didn't wouldn't or couldn't

Respect is returned to you with a smile for doing the right thing by your future wife

Shellyb