Hi

So you paid 70k of his debt in a promise he would stop.

You basically have him a fresh start to live and hes blew it.

As long as his name isnt on the mortgage. You have 2 options kick him out or tell him straight he hands finances back to you and you control everything. He needs help. If he doesnt get the help and let u help him get rid of him

Im a gambler and in recovery and really want to stop im doing this all on my own. I am desperate to keep off. If he isnt taking the help after everything you have done. He will destroy u mentally and financially he has to want to stop.

I can tell u straight there were times in my life when i was like him i wouldnt stop for no one or nothing. It has took me 2 decades of working at this.

Your choices matter to and this is your life as well as his life. How many chances can u give someone this is the thing its down to the person giving the chances.

With the daughter it depends on how u feel about her knowing.  Sometimes it helps sometimes it doesnt. Its a risk to take at an age she may not understand

Hi Challange,

You're clearly a kind soul but unfortunately you haven't been kind to yourself. I'm a CG ( an unwanted label but I am what I am ) & after years of suffering my wife wouldn't pay £7 off my gambling debts let alone £70,000. She's learned the hard way & knows when you bail out a CG you become his/her enabler.

If he was a heroin addict & ran up a £70k debt with the local drug dealer would you pay it off ?. Listen good gambling IS a drug, every bit as addictive & destructive as heroin addiction. You can kick him out or let him stay but what you can't do is ever allow him any financial control. He needs to be told that gambling is unacceptable, that he needs to explain & provide receipts for every single penny spent.

If you decide to stay with him you need to be absolutely sure he's seeking help by signing up to 5 year exclusion through GAMSTOP to prevent him from gambling online & gets himself excluded from local betting shops. Insist he attends a GA meeting, don't take his word for it follow him in the same way you followed him to the betting shop. Never have any bank accounts or credit agreements in joint names. First & foremost protect yourself , your daughter & your home. If he agrees to a GA meeting get yourself to a Gamanon meeting.

Compulsive gamblers are absolute masters of deceit & lies, I'm not suggesting for a minute he's wicked what I'm saying is like any addict he's powerless over his addiction & will stop at nothing to feed it. Will power alone will never stop an addict from gambling every CG needs help, support & accountability, someone who will take nothing at face value constantly watching over them.

He needs to recognize & accept he has an illness & needs some tough love to help him overcome it. He says you're watching every pound ?, believe me you need to. You need to understand fully what you're dealing with. I'm not a marriage guidance counsellor & can't advise on any decisions you come to regarding your future together, but if you are prepared to try & rebuild your relationship assume total financial control & make it clear to him that it's none negotiable.

Should you need further help/support the helpline on here is 24/7. I sincerely hope partners/wives like Lethe, MGR read & respond to your post. You need to understand any CG will only stop when he/she is ready to stop. No-one can make them until they've reached rock bottom. Rock bottom for some is when relationships are on the verge of collapse, sadly for others rock bottom is when they've lost everything & everyone that loved them.

Sincere Best Wishes

AL

There seems little point explaining behaviours to you as what you have discovered is exactly how it is. Lies, deceit and debt.....broken relationships and ruined lives just so we can have a bet. Be realistic....£70,000 is more that a problem occasional gambler, its a compulsive addict that is in all probability unlikely to stop.

Chuck him out, but, I'm sorry and ashamed really to say this, but you need to plan it first. You now need to lie and be deceitful yourself.

You are married so half of what you both own (and it doesn't matter who's name it is in) is his by law.  You need to ignore the comments about 'his name isn't on the mortgage so its ok' as those are nonsense! Similarly with savings and bank accounts its irrelevant who's name they are held under. I'd start by clearing out your own bank accounts and give it to someone you COMPLETELY trust. Parents are the best to use but he could ask a court to have access and check their accounts and your (open or closed) accounts for transfers and unexplained deposits - it is pretty easily traced if you are too obvious. I used to do this for a living so I know what I'm talking about.

Don't tell ANYONE that you are doing it and I mean ANYONE. It will somehow get back to him.........

Just get everything out of your name and hidden away or he will claim half of it and believe me, he will get it including half of your pension (you can claim half of his but he's probably cashed it in already).

Remember, if you split up and he swears blind that he will never ever do it again, you can give him a year or even two and then ask for his statements again.  If he genuine then perhaps you might give him another chance? Who knows........ Gamblers will go to any means to have a bet...I know as I am that person...so you must check the evidence and thats his bank statements, his email confirming self-exclusion from ALL bookmakers and the exclusion from ALL online gambling.

@slowlearner and I seem to be telling you how it is and he makes a lot of sense. Its not pretty to read but thats how it is.

My gut feeling is you should act swiftly to transfer the house to someone else (ultimately, that might do you no good anyway as a court can quash the transfer and make you sell it and give him half anyway), withdraw (don't transfer as it is traceable) your savings and close the accounts. Hide your assets as well as you can.....then end the relationship. Its very sad but if you don't the likelihood is years of heartache and mistrust and he will resent it (hard luck!) and cause unhappiness.

Regarding your daughter, don't lie as you will regret it and she will blame you for kicking him out. Tell her the truth with a bit of whitewash as you don't want her even more worried that she will be.

You have my sincere good luck @challange

Mick