Hi - new to this forum!

Hi, Twinkletoes,

My husband is a CG, it came to light this time round just over a year ago. He hasn't bet since that crisis - that I know of - but the effort and therapy all round are ongoing, probably permanent.

It's no good thinking that you can save them from themselves. The best advice is to educate yourself about the addiction so that you know what to expect and to help you to cope. Read round the forum, go to GamAnon meetings.

The three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. Don't be blamed and manipulated into thinking otherwise. Bailouts don't help because the gambler doesn't get the link between gambling and the money not being there to meet his needs.

Focus on you, what you need, how you want to live your life. And protect yourself financially. Don't share passwords or leave temptation lying around.

Take care,

CW

Hi HL

Thanks for replying to my post.

I've been through many things in my life, including losing both parents, but this is by far is the most wearisome! No amount of begging, bargaining, reasoning etc is getting me anywhere! I'm just not sure what my next move is, he won't give me access to any of his finances ie. to monitor the situation, I don't want his money!

How did you come to having control of finance and assets? I'm sure I could get everything in order if he would hand the reins over to me but he absolutely will not! Says I'm a control freak and I want to own him!?!?

B x

Hi,

My case was similar to Half Life's. First time round, there was denials, blame (his of me) and bailouts. Second time round, it came to light that my policy since last time of not asking probing questions and of accepting the unacceptable had not paid off. Such eggshell peace as I'd kept was actually not peace at all, he'd cleared out the kids' savings and lied to cover up. At that point, an ultimatum of get help or get out was given and I was finally handed financial control.

I wouldn't recommend getting to that point. I also suggest that you think long and hard about difficult subjects such as what do you expect to get out of a marital relationship, why are you allowing yourself to be treated in this way, why it is for you to sort out the gambling and not him, what the long term effects on your children are likely to be, what parental example you are setting. I thought and am still thinking all this in therapy but the damage is done for my family. You might be able to prevent more damage.

CW

More barefaced lies, just opened his mail (yes I'm a terrible person) but if I don't I'll just get all chewed up inside, it was from Vanquis a credit card he "closed" down last year when I acted as guarantor on a and I have already preempted his reason, he was going to buy me a ring and right as right that is what he said the manipulative liar, but he hasn't bought it because I was being funny with him!!! I believe he withdrew cash so as not to leave a paper trail like previous credit card statements have had the names of online betting sites!!! I'm at my wits end with this man, he twists and bends everything! I've tried too many times to help him but to no avail, he sees me broken and unhappy but still doesn't have enough backbone to do something about it!

Xx

Hi Twinkle

CW and HL are aces on here. They offer the most perfect advice and it really is amazing how support and looking at things a different way can help. Addiction is a terrible thing. It affects the gambler, their family, friends and a circle of people around them. My problem was as am addict I couldn't stop. It wasn't until I was willing to accept I had a problem and accepted I needed help that things started to change. I went to counselling, I did so many other things, including Gamblers Anonymous.

Not sure whether your seen but Gamcare offers counselling, not just to the gambler but also their families too. It might be worth giving them a ring and seeing if you can get some support? Tri

Hi triangle, thanks for taking the time to read my thread, I'm so happy for you that you found it within yourself to make a change and get help. I must say it's absolutely exhausting being the partner of a CG, I feel likje I am the only one carrying his burden. I was given counselling through Gamcare from Krysalis, yes it helped some, being able to talk to someone but it's pretty much in vain if my OH won't accept what he is! Fortunately I am quite a strong person, but how long should I take it for? I know that's a question between me and him but at the moment I'm getting nowhere fast!!

Regards Bev

Run like the wind Twinkletoes...If not away from him then to a GamAnon group where you will meet other loved ones in your position for proper support! It doesn't matter how strong you are, no-one deserves to be treated the way you are! I'll probably get lynched for even suggesting that there is any similarity but would you be with him if his 'other love' was a human? I applaud you for accepting he needs support & standing by him but what you have done is allowed yourself to become his 'scape goat' & unless you decide where your line is & draw it, he's gonna continue to walk all over you because that is what we do, guided by our addict's brain! I'm guessing you learned from your counselling to stop enabling him? Stop bailing him out & allow him to see & suffer the consequences of his actions? If not, wake up, please...You aren't a control freak for wanting to help him but until he accepts he has a problem, there ain't nothing you can do to keep him happy except keep feeding his addiction! My mum is a CG who refuses to join me 'in recovery' because she 'doesn't have a problem' either...I have control of her wages because that was the deal when she moved into my flat because otherwise the bills won't get paid! You don't need to hear the stuff I have gone through over the years but suffice to say, I'm in my 40's & she's an awful lot older! How long 'should you take it'? In my opinion, not a second longer, not the way you are! Decide what you are prepared to put up with & what that means from him & stick to it. It's gonna hurt, both of you, but life with a CG is vile, we're selfish & manipulative whilst in action, then weak & pathetic when we can't be!

You have to look after you - ODAAT

It all goes horribly wrong when we f&f refuse to let go of the addict. They have to sort themselves out, we can't do it for them. We can't save them from themselves and if we keep on trying it's just a recipe for chaos and misery.

Better to keep the focus on you.

CW

Hi again, I would deffo choose the kids & dog but you have a big heart so my next piece of advice is to arm yourself!

I'm no expert because I never got to grips with the online stuff thankfully but K9 is the free one with Gamblock, Net Nanny & Betfilter all being mentioned on a GamCare thread somewhere that I sadly couldn't find for you if I tried! Oldhamktf has a thread for self excluding from bookies & there is a casino one (hopefully on that thread too) if there's even a chance he may get to one. Personally if I were you giving this a shot & knowing how sneaky my brain was, I would insist on full financial access to his accounts & credit files, as well as monitoring my own! To my mind, only gamblers & drug dealers have any cause to withdraw that amount on a credit card...There may be other genuine reasons out there but to date I've disproved any that my mum has come up with & my activity was multiple transactions of 'only £50 more' etc!

This isn't just about money though...He's stealing your independence! You may be helpless as far as his recovery is concerned but you control your own & get to make your own success story! Tough love, being cruel to be kind, whatever you want to call it doesn't make you weak, it gives everyone their best chance @ living with this beast! You have to make your own light for you & your sanity as well as everyone else you love losing out on time & smiles because he is hurting you so bad!

No one deserves to be treated the way we treat our loved ones & it's hard to accept we have a problem when we are able to talk ourselves out of it being one & nothing around us changes (like a toddler pushing the boundaries)!

It may be worth another shot @ the counselling...Something in you @ the moment is accepting of his behaviour even though you know you don't deserve it! Do you have any friends you can turn to? He may have asked you to keep this a secret but anyone he is likely to borrow from needs to know as well as anyone that can offer you support!

Keep posting, keep working on what you will accept & stay strong - ODAAT

Another day another payday loan letter......but it's okay this one was really REALLY to fix everything once and for all!!!

Hi

Im the mum of a compulsive gambler, my son has just turned 21.

The pay day loans will keep coming, yes he'll tell you this will be the last one, then the next one will definetly be the last. It will go on and on while he is addicted. Maybe for a little while he means it but the addiction soon kicks in again and the whole cylce continues.

We live in hope that maybe this time will be different or that we'll see a glimmer of something that shows they want recovery and we just keep hanging on waiting. Its easy to get so wound up in what they're doing that we forget about ourselves, we open post to see what they're up to, try and read their body language wondering if they've gambled or got more debt that day, the list goes on. It doesn't work all it does is cause us more stress and they just get more secretive trying to hide it all from us and they get very good at it, Im sure there will be things you dont know about.

Nothing you ever say or do will make him want to stop, the only person who can decide that is your partner and theres no way of knowing how long if ever that will be.

As CW said not letting go goes horribly wrong, my sons addiction has done so much damage to my family it wont ever be the same. I was sure I could help my son, and got completely caught up in his life at the cost of my own health and other relationships, my life revolved around what he did it.

Letting go doesn't mean you dont love him, or that you dont care its about accepting that you cant help him, only he can decide what he does not you.

Only you can decide when you've had enough.

Take care

Phoenix67 - kind and very wise words, thank you x

Hi twinkle toes.
I saw you post on someone else's and for a moment it felt I was reading my own post.

So I came by your forum. And instantly felt the dread, when I read of badges and tax and denial and constant cash carrying.

I see he's still active. So is mine. I see he's still unwilling to admit his issue as is mine.
My OH had to leave his previous bank roles job, as it was go out for 5 days a week but get bk on the 6th, so he'd never see the kids and financially it didn't work.

He came bk to self employment as a job hr could control and use as a stepping stone to get a career so he could study whilst waiting for his next job.
This hasn't happened. The money we paid for a laptop. Unused after the first year. To difficult? To time consuming? To much temptation I don't know. Suffice to say, now he's back to cash in hand he survived two months with out the txt he sent. With out crying next to me but in the same breathe blaming me, verbally demeaning me as the culprit who makes him work so much.

He's worked 20hr days to try recoup losses. This time 1.5k. He says he is in control because (I'm unaware if not correct) no pay day loans credit cards because his credit score was maxed out before we met (his mothers fault, leaving a house big enough to a smaller house were he had no room. Fend for yourself at 16) ugh!!
We have since paid it all off an as a bday present I paid the last 40 owed.
I feel so at a loss. I don't want to fail my family. Fail him but by doing those I know I am failing. Me. But as a mum I come last. So the option is...
Stay how does it affect my small babies.
Leave how does it affect my small babies

Hi all, new to this forum and have read through a few peoples messages. Havent quite worked out how to start a new message , anyone able to tell me how to do this? What i have learned from the first few messages i have read is that us, eg the wife/partner/husband of the gambler seem to be affected more by gambling than the actual gambler is. Right now, i feel like packing my bags and leaving.................if only it was that easy. Right up until yesterday i told myself i would stay for another 5 years until my son was 16, he adores his dad....I dont think i will last that long.

To the people who are saying they must be weak or thought they were strong. Believe me, you are stronger than you think to be dealing with this and still carrying on with your "normal" life. I have been doing it for years and its only coming on here tonight ive realised its not only me. I will post my story when i learn how to start a new thread.