How can I help my son?

hi.reading all these comments is just what i need.i agree with the gamblers and families who have a gambler.i have been through it all with my son.but realise my giving into him is making matters worse..as from today i need to change.to step back and if he falls well i cant pick him up anymore.my husband has suffered for years as he has held back letting me do the wrong thing with my son as i am alwaysdefensive .argueing that he doesnt care when i know he does so much.we have done nothing wrong and dont deserve this life having to deal with a gambler even if it is your son who we love to bits.

Sorry, caught the abusive button in error. As ODAAT says, we could do with an "Are you sure?" button...

It seems that "divide and rule" is quite common when a CG deals with his parents. Difficult, but if you can agree strategies and boundaries and both stick to what is agreed, it helps to counter the attempts to divide.

CW

Hi C73

Im the Mum of a 20 year old son that is a compulsive gambler.

My son was at university too, so I understand very well how you're feeling.

When my son went to university he was already buying far too many scratch cards and spent far too much time on a slot machine given the chance. Of course we tried to talk to him and he under played it all and we put it down to just a phase he was going through. At around this time his behaviour started to change, moody, argumentative just generally unpleasant.

Anyway jump forward a while and he went off to university and thats when the real trouble started, he was away from home, so he didnt have us watching him plus the student loans were all spent on gambling. By this point he was gambling very heavily mostly online, and he lost thousands, and we didnt have a clue.

He went from bad to worse, when his loans were gone, he stole from family and friends, racked up thousands of debt mostly from high street lenders that he still hasnt paid back and they're still chasing him for it. In short he was out of control and in desperation we drove to his flat to try and talk to him, but by this time there was no chance of having a rational conversation with him and he was well out of control.

After a year at university and calls and letters from them asking why he wasnt going to classes we tried again to go and talk to him he agreed to get help and had an appointment with a student counsellor. He never went to that appointment and after many failed attempts from the uni to get him back on track they threw him out.

Theres a lot happened between then and now and hes at home with us but our relationship is in a very bad place, I still love him as much as ever but I cant even bare to look at him.

I wish I could tell you how to help your son but only he can decide if he wants to stop, he has to want recovery more than anything else and nothing you say or do will make any difference. It takes a long time to get to the point where you will accept this, Ive got here eventually but it didnt stop us trying everything possible along the way.

This is a truelly horrible situation to be in and really know how hard this is for you so I'll do my best to tell what we've found does and doesnt work.

Dont ever give him money, not even for food, I used to do just that after all I couldnt have my son going hungry, but of course that money went on gambling. We tried buying him food instead but all that does is free up more of his own money to gamble with isnt helping at all, its enabling his addiction.

As much as you love son hes also a compulsive gambler and will lie, manipulate, and do anything he has to gamble. Never underestimate the lengths they will go to get what they want, and as youve found out when they dont get it they can get aggressive.

Theres also your finances, you must keep anything of tis nature bullet proof, do not trust him for moment , our son has stole from us twice now.

You will not be able to reason with him, he will justify what he says, he'll probably blame you for what ever reason he can think of that day. It will drive you mad trying to get through to him, its a waste of time and energy.

I was told a long time ago to leave him alone and stop trying to help him, of course I kept trying after all this is my son surely he cant be as bad as all that but he is. Its turned out to be some of the best advice Ive ever got.

The one thing that has made a difference is the old saying "using tough love" , Im still struggling with parts ofthat but im getting better and he certainly pays more attention to that than us being too helpful. I recently waded in and helped my son again when he was close to getting some harsh consequences for his actions, turned out to be a massive mistake and I wish to god Id never done it. I can say with absolute certainty that the next time and (it will happen) that I will let him face it because thats the only way he ever will ever want to stop.

Confrontation doesnt work, tried that one a few times, it will just get his back up, he'll lie and tell you what you want to hear so that you'll leave him alone. My son was aggressive each time we did this.

I would make out your simply going for visit, and when you get there tell him what will be happening if he wants to stay at university. Maybe you can convince him to let you control his student loans, (probably wont like mine but worth a go), then with any finances you are contributing tell him you will have total control, he doesnt get a penny nor a say in how its to be done. They do tend to be behave like spoiled brats when they dont get their own way and your sons ridiculous comments on why he doesnt want to get a job is a classic example, I would tell him if he wants more money then he gets a job.

I know how worried you are how much you love him, but please take it from a Mum whos been doing this for long time, you're going to have to get tougher. Please dont listen to emotional black mail, you didnt cause this no matter what he says.

Im sorry Ive painted such a gloomy picture but I wish someone could of told me all if this a long time ago. Im not saying your son will get as bad as mine, but the way you talk of your son is exactly the same at the same point in time too, and your son is in total denial so theres every chance it will progress, it usually does.

Your doing your very best, its obvious you're good parents who love their son, and rememeber that when he's trying some kind of emotional black mail or any other rotten thing he can say to you. Dont do what I used to do getting involved in arguments, you'll never win anyway, say what you need to say and walk away, it usually stops them in their tracks.

Get yourself as much support as you can and Id strongly advise you get some counselling, Gamcare can arrange that for you and I found it a huge help

Take care

Thankyou as67 and all who've replied in the last day since I started to write. Your advice has been truly valued and of real benefit to us.

We now have a minor development. Our son is coming home tomorrow night for one night for unrelated reasons. So the question for us now is how to manage our first meeting with him and how to confront it with facts and evidence of (part only I guess) of his true CG activity.

We have to face this now either way. We're starting to both dread seeing him and are feeling more firm in our preferred "tough love" response. Feedback welcome.

Hi,

It probably depends on the purpose of his visit, perhaps ask him what that is? If he wants to have a serious talk with you, be prepared. If it's purely social or to visit his friends, then do you feel ready to confront him and insist upon discussing what he doesn't want to discuss? If so and you've agreed stategies, you both know what you are going to demand of him and you have agreed the consequences of him not complying, and you are both ready for the aggression and other CG behaviours, then go ahead and confront him. If you don't feel ready, you could put him off visiting, tell him that it's not convenient without telling him why? Otherwise be distant and remote, unsettle him, don't make him too welcome. Let him start to realise that something is wrong.

Don't give him any money, it's near the start of term, in normal circumstances he wouldn't be short. Even if he does confess to a gambling problem, be careful what you fund and who you pay it to. There's a lot of advice elsewhere on the forum about what practical measures to take once you have financial control.

Also - sorry - lock up your valuables, cash, cards and jewellery a lot more securely than you think you need to before he arrives. It's a temptation to a gambler who is short of funds, your son's original honesty may not prevail.

Sorry.

CW

Hi CW73

I agree with Half Life. You know he is gambling and whether or not he is a compulsive gambler I think the point is that the money you give him is for school only... if he wants to gamble then he needs to get a job. Stand your ground as a compulsive gambler is very good at twisting and manipulating things and before you know it they have you feeling sorry for them. Try to stick to the facts.

I would also say that you feel he may have a gambling problem and ask him what he thinks. If he shuts you down then you know he is not ready for help but still make it clear that you feel there is an issue and you will be keeping tighter control of the money. If he does feel there is a problem then you can offer to help find support but this does not mean anything monetary i.e. bailing out, paying off debts etc.

Good luck and try to remember that although you can't control your son you certainly have the right to control how the money for him is used.

Cathy

Thanks for this. Can anyone tell me which credit rating agencies I should insist my son looks up (with me sat by him)? I'm aware of Experian but not others. Thanks.

Call Credit, (T/A Noddle); Equifax

Hi there I found out in November that my 25 year old son had been gambling for over two years. It started with the odd bet and progressed to £300 a week. im not going to write my story on here as there is a lot to read, you can check out my story and others on here. For now you will have all kinds of emotions going round in your head. It is important you and your wife stick strong together. You know your son best, listen to your instincts. Hopefully you have found out sooner rather than later and he can begin his recovery. I have read some horror stories on here about owing thousands of pounds, about stealing money etc, please be not all situations are the same, my son never stole or owed thousands of pounds. Yes he did get himself into a vicious circle of working, gambling, pay day loans. He missed payments on car loans and we had letters coming through door from defaults on pay day loans. I listened to all advice on here, some I took some I didn't. As I say you do what you feel is right for you and your son. I know my son would never have gotten out of this on his own his head was in too much of a turmoil. We paid his missed car loans as if he didn't have a car he couldn't work which we weren't prepared to let that happen. There is light at the end of the tunnel for him now. In this short time his mood has changed he is much more relaxed, doesn't flare up in a moment and we feel we have our son back. We have financial control we have his bank card, are a named person on his bank account and we transfer money each week to a pockit card. Yes he is in debt but it is manageable and he is paying that off himself. I have access to his credit file, I have his password so can check it regularly. I don't like that this has happened I don't like that I have to take control over my sons finances but I am prepared to do so. I would speak to your son face to face, have the statements in front of you, ask for previous statements as well. Be firm with him but offer to work with him, offer your support. Ask him to join gamcare and take a look for himself at what this addiction can do to him and how it can ruin people's lives! Unfortunately gambling seems to be a popular pastime with young people now especially online gambling as it is so easy to access. Look into putting blocks on his computer/phone, ask him to self exclude from online gambling sites, don't believe everything he tells you and be vigilant. I wish all of you well and hope you get to the bottom of everything. - wcid

How did you get on?

CW

I am not qualified to offer as excellent advice as the affected family members above. However, please may I suggest the website checkmyfile.com for credit reference checks. This website is comprehensive and clear, showing all data held for the main 3 credit reference agencies. If I remember correctly there is a free trial but then it's 7.99?? A month. They also have excellent customer support (in website email) and it is updated accurately.