how do i accept his gambling

Hi

I am a cg who has stopped for 148 days. This addiction is horrible and as you are aware causes emotional and financial issues.

Any sum of cash per month is not a strong enough gesture to stop. 10 this month, then 20 then who knows and you are back to square one again.

The banning from some sites is only a token gesture. With monies available it will only be a matter of time.

An agreement to leave the money in the account sounds very dangerous and a bit too easy.

Don't mean to sound negative but as a cg if I had been given opportunities like that I would "fill my boots"

Best wishes

Hi,

Short answer? Don't.

My husband is a CG, we're long term married, kids growing up. I hadn't a clue until three years ago, when I caught him out. With hindsight, he simply didn't want to stop so he told me all sorts of Gambler's Proverbial and more fool me, I believed it. He denied it was gambling, merely investing, investments that can go up or down and I hadn't complained when other -main stream- investments had gone up so I shouldn't complain when these were a bit down. Reality? Huge losses. GP: It was tax efficient. Reality? Betting and losses aren't taxable. GP: He needed more money to support us because I wouldn't go back to work after the last baby. Reality? He was on a city salary which he was gambling away. GP: His bank account and the children's were none of my business, I was a control freak invading his privacy. Reality? He had long since gambled away the children's savings, he couldn't win it back and was trying to cover it up.

This is the equivalent of your husband's proposals and my experience was that the gambling continued unabated. It came to light this time round when my eldest found out the hard way that his bank account was empty. And now we do have a genuine attempt at recovery. He attends GA, I have financial control, the website is blocked.

If you agree to all your husband's nonsense, you will look at the account sooner or later to discover money missing. The excuses will be many and varied but it will be down to gambling. Whatever you pay for will free up his money for gambling. However, if you take full financial control, if you drip feed him minimal pocket money, if all other money is safely in an account in your name that he can't access, if all your passwords are secure, if his card is in your possession, then he won't have the money to gamble. So then you should take steps to check his access to credit. Get regular credit reports from the three main agencies to check what loans and credit cards he's applied for.

Other steps are secure anti gambling blockers, a non Internet mobile, cash card not visa so no deposits.

If all of these measures are in place, then maybe you will be able to manage a gambler in recovery. If you want to. But don't tolerate active gambling, no good will come of it.

Take care,

CW

Thank you for your comments. The thing is, he wont get help, he doesnt think he needs it because he doesnt think he has a problem. So should i just accept what he is offering in the meantime or should i push him to get help. I have tried that before and it didnt work...

It didn't work because he didn't want it to work. Simple.

Staying stopped from gambling varies in difficultly for gamblers depending how addicted they are to it. As he doesn't think he's got a problem thats going to be be an uphill battle but you don't have to accept that.

Please be aware that gambling addiction can be incredibly destructive. He may not wish to cause harm but this illness is very convincing.

Why not speak to gamcare and get some advice, read some of the other posts or find out about gambling addiction before it potentially swallows you and your family up

BEWARE!

Compulsive gambling can be as triangle says VERY destructive and is a very progressive addiction as you can already see in your partners behaviour. They want to believe more than anything that they are different from "real" addicts and that they can control it. This simply isn't true and you probably wouldn't be writing on here if you didn't suspect this is a problem for him.

Take heed of all the advice given. Read the diaries on the forum and you will see a very similar pattern. You will never make your partner believe he is a CG but if you think he is (which it sounds like from your description) you need to protect your finances. As the others say this addiction can swallow your whole family in the blink of an eye!

This doesn't mean that you don't or can't love your partner... but in the midst of addiction you certainly can't trust them.

Take Care

Cathy

I accepted it for three years and it was a mistake.

I would urge you to keep your own money in your own bank account and protect your own finances. Secure you own future and the future of your child. make sure he doesn't have credit cards. The rest is up to you. Can you manage the constant emotional turmoil and upset? Yes you may be in love with each other and you have a child, but a compulsive gambler is not in control of their actions. The only way you can have peace is if he stops completely. Don't accept anything less.

My partner is a compulsive gambler. He was clean for several years before I met him and then had a rather large blow out a few months ago. This was triggered by life stress and old destructive thought patterns. He broke right down and told me and several family members. He apologised for the lies. He told me he would do anything in his power to stop, which included commiting to GA meetings several times a week. At the time I decided that if I were to stay, it would only be if he demonstrated real commitment to change, but if I were to stay I would support him with full love and compassion. So far this has worked. We are talking about his gambling on almost a daily basis. I am not stressed as I have my own income, he has followed my advice and has taken measures to put money away in accounts which he does not have instant access to.

I'm not a fool, I know he will be a gambler forever, but him fully admitting that he had a problem and had lost control, and the gamblers annonymous meetings have uncovered some underlying triggers and are arming him with the tools to not give in to the urges. The financial safeguards mean that if he were to gamble, he does not have much to play with and I do not have to constantly check. He feels safe and able to talk to me about his urges because I am trying not to react with anger, I just listen and encourage him, which is a positive self-perpetuating circle.

I am lucky because he admitted himself he had a problem, that's the key to recovery. GA meetings or counselling are a must but they won't work unless he wants to attend (forcing will make it worse). It sounds like he doesn't even realised he has a problem, it is a full on mental health problem (addict without insight). The fact he is blaming "being told not to do it, and lack of control over his life," is a real warning sign. Don't let him tell you it's your fault for nagging.

I would heed the advice of the other partners of gamblers, don't accept anything less than an admission that something is wrong, and full commitment to change. Good luck, and don't be afraid to step away from the relationship if there is no recovery in sight, for your sake and for the sake of your child.X

I think it will be the best idea to get him away from any money as doesn't matter how much they have they can still go and think will make more money.I know it's painful but I done this way with my husband he wasn't happy but it's all to help him

You shouldn't be accepting his gambling. You should be accepting his problem - that's to say you should be accepting that he is a CG and because of this will always have urges or flutters to just 'have a go'. But ultimately, your other half still asking for money to deposit to online casinos isn't commitment to change. As others have said, he will ask for more when things are going well because he'll think he can double or even triple it - but (and this is a phrase used here often) he won't win because he can't stop.

As soon as he's had a win it'll be fed straight back in and he will be asking for more money to chase the loses. He has to admit himself that he has a problem and want to change himself. All the while he is unwilling to do that then he will not change. I'm sorry if that was blunt but like with all addictions, it has to be the addicts choice to quit and if they do choose to quit it has to be cold turkey.

I think you mentioned it wouldn't be a problem as he is only on the online casinos? The amount of CGs I've read diaries from, even my own partner included, who have started off gambling for example on the bingo and then have moved to slots, the amount of CGs who's progression has been from football bets and have them put the money into the online casino (my other half included).

My partner has been clean for a little bit of time now - nowhere near as long as some of the cgs here, but it's a milestone for him nonetheless, but I wouldn't for a minute doubt that if he really wanted to he'd go and find another game or another bookies or another website just to get his fix. It's not that I don't trust him, it's the addiction - the thing that every single one of us here despises.

I hope my post made sense, had a very sleepless night with baby last night. Matchsticks in my eyes today I think!