How do I mend my heart?

Crikey, that’s a lot of drama.

Possibly when you’ve had enough of drama and abuse, you might become ready to learn a better and healthier way to live? As ever, I would recommend GamAnon and CoDA meetings to learn how to take care of yourself, how to take responsibility for yourself and your choices, how to know yourself so that you can understand what you stand for, what’s good for you and what’s bad for you and on that basis, what you need and deserve. His recovery is his business but handing over money and endless emotional support to a practicing addict only allows the using to continue.

CW

Yes a whole lot of drama I was never expecting . I never knew my ex was an addict . I had no idea. We had the perfect relationship I thought he was charming , fun , kind never shouted never abusive . I did not know the addict . During our relationship he made up various very convincing crisis that I and my family financially helped with . None of these it turned out to be true . I discovered he’d made up whole people with whole lives that never existed. None of us could of fathomed they were lies as they went on for months . I just thought I was helping the person I loved . I had no idea I was funding an addiction . I had no idea I was being munipulated . My ramberlings were the mixed up feelings I feel after discovering I have just been collateral damage . Realising I loved an addict I didn’t even know was in this person . Is that a good and healthy way to live no , that’s why it’s been so hard to digest and let go . I take responsibility for being way to trusting but none of this was a choice . Maybe I should of made that clear .

Hi Wonder Woman at first you think like this, o*g my life's a lie. But that's not true, those happy times were real. Addicts aren't bad people. They 'use' to cope. They need help but not money, not bailouts. Compulsive gambling is an emotional illness with financial consequences. We are attracted to needy, exciting or we are fix it. We are just as much involved because we accept their behaviour. I've been married 20 years, it doesn't have to be the end. He's ill. Now you have to learn how to deal with that. Gamanon meetings are where you learn how to live your life alongside a compulsive gambler. Set your boundaries.

Wow wonder woman that was a powerful and heart tugging comment it drove home to me how my wife must be feeling and what a fool I have been but when we get in our little bubble all thoughts go out the window and when I came out of the bookies all the guilt would hit me not a very nice feeling

Thanks for your replies . I’ve really been struggerling . Thanks Merry Go Round as much as I’d like to believe the happy times were not lies I’m not sure that’s true . I Think yes he’s an addict but I also think he might be mentally ill . He made up a lot of stories to blackmail me and I think he was planning sextortion next as I found he’d been watching videos on it . Also watching YouTube things on marrying with out prenups and then taking as much as possible through divorce . He faked deaths of people who never existed , I thought I’d contributed to flowers to an overseas funeral . He cried in my house after this made up death, in his ‘sleep’ or pretended sleep shouted out she’s dead she’s dead . Said he couldn’t get over the death . She never existed she never died . He said she wrote him a letter at Christmas , must of sent it just before she died and he couldn’t bare to open it . The final straw was a fake kidnapping of himself and a blackmailing of me for 50,000 a day after I’d just given him 10,000 to pay off someone who broke his ribs with a hammer Cus he owed them money . This never happened there was no broken ribs no kipnap . We were long distance but we saw each other regularly . I wasn’t to kno this wasn’t true . I sent him money for a taxi back from the ducking hospital . He was texting me do you love your boyfriend I will kill him ... ect for a 8hr stretch while he was in the bookings . I was absolutely distraught thinking I would be responsible for his death and torture as I didn’t have the money . It’s so crazy you couldn’t write it , it’s heartbreaking , disgusting , I feel totally violated . I have a years worth of lies n stories mapped out in texts , drip drip of stories , people and scenarios to emotionally and psychologically condition me over time . Every lie was premeditated. I mapped them out I’ve looked at them . This was not the man I knew tho not the man I met . But this is the man I loved . It’s terrifing . I feel sick and tearful everytime I think about it . I feel confused . I keep shaking . It’s been 3 weeks and I’m still shaking . I’m waiting for a Counciller . I have so much healing to do . Heart and mind . Surely this can’t just be gamberling behaviour ?

He’s since shown me one online account . This doesn’t include the casinos and other online accounts but tells me He blew 41k in two months , 13k in a week , 6k in half an hour. He is really ill and guilt tripping me now saying he has a disease and is sucidal and was not in his right mind . Where did my love go? (Just changed over night ) what happened to Christian unconditional love ? Everyone’s deserted him apparently (I actually think he hasn’t told anyone !) he says I’m an amazing women he can’t believe he’s lost me .He’s heartbroken I’m heartbroken . It just feels like manipulation . It hurts mind and heart . You want to believe , help but then have to remind yourself this man will harm you , this man has harmed you . I had no idea he was a gamberler . I had no idea he was a liar . I had no idea he would harm me , now I can’t be sure , I’m not sure I can ever be sure .

Hello Wonderwoman1.

This is aheartbreaking story. You've been through so much. It sounds like he has been emotionally and financially abusing you, and your comment that it looks like he was planning sextortion next is particularly worrying. Here is some government advice about what to do if you're the victim of this form of extortion: http://www.nationalcrimeagency.gov.uk/crime-threats/kidnap-and-extortion/sextortion

Women's Aid can provide support and advice on coping with financial and emotional abuse. You might want to contact them at https://www.womensaid.org.uk/ .

GamCare can also provide 1:1 support for you as the partner of a gambler. Please do give us a call on the HelpLine 0808 8020 133 or chat to us on the NetLine. We can help you Wonderwoman1.

Take care,

Forum Admin

Thanks forum admin. Thankfully to my knowledge he has never filmed us , but we were suppose to go on holiday and he kept talking about taking a camera, then I found he’d been watching Those things. I spoke to women’s aid about keeping myself safe and they were really good . I am waiting for one of your recommended councillors to ring me to arrange a time slot . I spoke to someone on your one to one support phone line for almost an hour and she was lovely . It’s just so much to process , picking an emotion is hard because there are so many . It’s not something you can explain to people either as it’s mindblowing. I don’t want to be that gossip story. I just know I need to heal and learn to process this trauma some way as hard as it is to feel it .

.

Hi Wonder Woman I can't imagine what you are feeling, that is a traumatic experience. A good place to start regarding debts and contracts etc is stepchange. Try them. I think you've been incredibly brave and I hope the counselling starts soon. I have no idea whether all his behaviour is down to gambling. He certainly sounds like a con man. Compulsive gamblers are compulsive liars, any story to manipulate you into handing over money. Personality disorder? Who knows. The important thing is to look after yourself and keep strong.

Thanks Merry Go Round I will look at step change x

Morning Wonderwoman1

You may wish to try the Citizen's Advice Bureau for some free legal advice. Please do stay in touch with us on the Helpline and the netline as suggested by the previous forum admin.

Warm regards

Leigh, Forum Admin

We have talked and he started treatment. I think all the lies were driven by the addiction. I do believe he is sorry . We are not together but I have said I can support from afar. A chat here and there if it doesn’t effect my own healing . My councilling starts Tomo. I miss him greatly as crazy as it sounds . No one really understands that. It’s a relief when we communicate but then I feel upset after Cus I can’t be with him . I know he’s harmed me so how I’m feeling doesn’t make sense . I want him to get better . I wished he would of just told me before it all got out of hand Cus some things u can’t un do . Feeling confused I guess . Still struggerling to process

Hi your counsellor will help you unravel your conflicted emotions. Detaching is the best way. Look after you and try not to get drawn back into the drama.