Hi I am new to this but I thought I'd give it a try. I am the Mum of a compulsive gambler, my son is 33 and has been living with this addiction since he was in his teens, I wasn't aware of it until he was in his 20's. Apart from having this addiction my son manages to hold down a good well paid job, he is intelligent and caring and has a lovely fun personality. He got married just over 18 months ago and now has a beautiful baby girl. My sons wife knew about his addiction when she married him but like me didn't realise how severe it was, she is moving out and leaving him today, she can no longer live in this nightmare, believing he has finally beaten it only to find out it has reared it's ugly head again. To date he has run up over£ 50.000 worth of debt. With the help of step change this is paid back in a more manageable amount, he has a half share of my home as he took out a mortgage to buy his fathers half when we got divorced. My son goes for counselling and I am in control of his bank account, at least I thought I was! This morning I decided to check his balance, and draw out some cash for his food and fuel, I went sick to my stomach, he has done it again, only £800 this time, I say only because last month it was £3500! I am terrified that I will lose my home as although I own my half outright, my name is on the mortgage. This means I have to pay all the household bills again! I don't live there as I care for my elderly Dad. I feel absolutely crushed, I think I've covered all bases and still he finds a way to do it, the new bank details were saved on his phone from him setting up new direct debits last Thursday this enabled him to do it. I didn't think! I feel bad because I shouted at him, I know that your not supposed to do it but I felt so frustrated, now all I can think about is all the self loathing and shame in his voice. I am so desperate, I hate living like this and I hate to see him living like this, it isn't a life.
Hi,
Sorry to hear it, you're not alone.
The three Cs: you didn't Cause your son's gambling, you can't Control your son's gambling and you can't Cure your son's gambling. As your experience has shown you over and over.
It isn't that there's some magic formula that you're missing to "make" him stop. It's that you're asking the wrong question: it's not physically possible for you to make him stop. It's not you placing the bets, it's him. Only he can make him stop, if he decides that he's going to and he does what it takes to change himself. But addiction is the disease (dis-ease as opposed to ease) that tells him that everything's fine as long as he gambles.
The better question is to ask how best to get help for you to cope with the situation that you're in. Help's out there, but you have to take it. Call the Helpline, use the counselling service, go to GamAnon meetings. You can't stop the gambling, the best advice is to move the focus to you and keep it there. Take legal advice about the house and if you don't already have one, ask about a Declaration of Trust setting out who owns what share of it. Possibly your share should be larger if he owes you money?
re financial control, others have posted about the game of "race to get to the wages first". It's not a healthy game for you to be playing and it doesn't get the bills paid. By paying all of his outgoings for him once his wages are gone, you're indirectly freeing up "his" money for gambling. If he were in any other accommodation and not paying, sooner or later he'd lose his home. Cushioning him from this doesn't encourage him to face up to the addiction but more importantly, it's no good for you to continue living scared and feeling forced into supporting him. You do have choices about how you live your life, but you need the right targeted help to make the best choices for you.
Take care of you,
CW
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