so am after some advice as i really dont know what to do for the best to help my boyfriend - or if i can help him - or should help him?
My boyfriend & i are in our early 30s. I have a good job working 9 - 5, he works in a bar usually 5-3 so we don't see that much of each other & don't live together [yet]. we've bn together 4yrs. He's been unhappy in his job for most of that time but feels trapped as he cant afford to go to uni or retrain, he is quite often angry & depressed about the lack of money and it impacts his whole life.....
When we met he often went to the casino after work with the other bar tenders, it was a bit of fun. One of his friends often won big (and probably lost big as well). My fella tried to keep up til one day he came home having gambled away almost his entire paycheque (around £1000) . He was v upset & was worried about paying his rent...so i lent him the money & told him although he needed to sort himself out, being homeless wouldn't help.
That was the first of several times over the last 4 years he would go to a casino and blow large amounts of money he could ill afford. He didnt go that often - to be honest prob only 4 times in the last 4 years (that i know about), but when he does go, he doesn't know when to stop
A couple of weeks ago we were talking about going away for my birthday. he wanted to go away but i said we couldn't afford it - to be honest i just wanted to stay at home & have a chilled break together - but determined to go away he decided to raise the cash online gambling. Only he lost, and trying to make up the loss he kept going and kept losing - and much more than a months pay - In just 2 or 3 nights he had gambled away £8000!!!
When he told me I was shocked. i felt sick. i've told him he needs help and although he knows he went too far, he doesn't see how counselling or a support group can help. He also hides behind having to work irregular night shifts making seeking help 'harder'. Without it i worry he'll always be like this. The only reason he stopped this time was because he had maxed out his overdraft and 3 credit cards
He can't get anymore credit as he doesn't earn that much - but he cant pay his rent or the minimum payments on his cards
i don't know what to do. he wants me to lend him £4k to pay his rent & a couple of the credit cards. he said he'd pay his salary into my bank account and i'd have full control on his finances til he'd repaid me - but that doesn't sound the making of a healthy relationship. and i've worked hard & sacrificed to save what i have, paying off his debts & hoping he'll pay me back feels like i'd be taking a gamble....
he also wants us to move in together but am worried a) its so i have no choice to pay the bills or b) because he wants me to 'save' him. Not sure either is ideal!
sorry this has got a bit long, i just don't know what to do. my friends would just say dump him - but they don't understand gambling, alcoholism, depression etc is is an illness (& its all linked) - and i can see it is & how desperate and unhappy he is - but i dont know how to help him - and whether i should help him
Any advice gratefully received.....i just don't know what to do 🙁
Hi Worried1, welcome to the Forum and well done for posting what you have here,
You partner unfortunately got himself in a rut and found life difficult with regards to finances and having a positive future.
Many do the same - the problem is that most bury their head in the sands and watch the time drift by, and then others want to drive themselves down deeper. I doubt he had that in mind when he started - he probably saw it as a short cut to a more stable existence, but it became a habit that he couldn't claw his way back from.
If you want to help him, and you want to stay with him, then he has a responsibility to plan a positive way forward for you both. He doesn't feel that counselling/group sessions will work - he doesn't know that; ask him to attend or speak to someone with an open mind - it's not a case of branding him an addict, it is the fact that he is likely to see something of himself in what is said, or other people's experiences.
It is positive that he has offered to hand over control of his finances - there are many who never reach that stage. It may not feel healthy but he is in a vulnerable state at the moment, and it will give you peace of mind, which is very important - it works very well for a lot of people so I would try it and see how you feel.
He then needs to tackle his life - he doesn't want the job, he doesn't like the hours; he also wants to retrain and go to uni - these things are attainable in time - it doesn't matter how long it takes and how difficult things are at the moment, he can get there if he takes small steps each day to work towards it. If he has no money, then he can start to train or gain knowledge in a subject online - also, there are employment positions where he can learn on the job; things are difficult out there at the moment but none of these are impossible my friend.
If you are unsure as to whether you could or should help him, I would say that he needs to do and try everything he can at the moment, as well as making a sincere effort to turn his life around. If he doesn't, for your sake if not his own, then you have every right to think about walking away.
I have walked many miles in his shoes - I gambled for twenty years before stopping over five years ago; I buried my head in the sand too - I know now that it has to be zero tolerance, without exception, and that you have to keep pushing and forcing yourself to change. He may be at a low point but it doesn't matter now - it is your future that counts.
JamesP
What can i say 5 days into stopping gambling this time that could help?
everything im learning is the problem doesn't go away if i ignore it it tends to get worse
james and half life have offere some constructive ways forward
having someone to talk to helps me so much might help you to find that person. could be that you ring gamcare up have a chat with them
I don't know if his online gambling is a regular thing, but I know that when I was getting overzealous with the online gambling I installed a program called "Cold Turkey". It's a free computer program that blocks specific websites from being accessed, and unless you know computers well, you can't unblock them. I haven't been in quite the same amount of debt as your BF, but I did help me stop the bleeding.
Hi Worried
Your post above is full of "What can I do to help my boyfriend". Sounds to me you really want it to work but have reservations and rightly so! Truth is you can support him by encouraging him to go and seek help himself. 100% no way should you pay any debt off it is his and his alone. You need to get help for yourself as you are a victim in all this. Separate his gambling issues with your issues surrounding his gambling (if that makes sense). When I was gambling I got my wife to take out loans and swapped money around just so I could carry on gambling behind her back. Once she decided enough is enough it was up to me to get real. Today I have no debt because I haven't gambled in a while. Do not take any responsibility for your boyfriend's irresponsible actions. Let him meet them head on. This is about you as well as him! You have to do what's right for you. If he wants help then he has to seek it and not a financial one!
Please take care and look after number one!
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
