How to cope with the lies

Good afternoon.

It is almost impossible to cope with lies the reason for lying is because we know we are doing something wrong and we are constantly lying to our selves that we are going to get out of this and all will be good compulsive gamblers are compulsive liars. i am no roll model in this but am trying to be honest with my self so i can be honest with those around me 

Hi, 

I completely understand the situation you are in. I am in a very similar situation to you.

My partner has the ability to lie to me over and over again. He tells part truth, then adds to it and will only finally admit the truth when he is completely caught out.

He is so defensive when approached that he even tries to blame me for not being able to be honest. 

He becomes a different person when confronted about his gambling, someone I don't like, in fact someone I sometimes feel that i hate (in that moment). 

When I step back though, I have to remember that outside of the issue of gambling he is a wonderful person. He is caring, thoughtful, loving and everything you could want in a partner. I have come to terms with the fact that his addiction makes him behave in a way that I know adds to his feelings of guilt and shame. 

When I first found out about his gambling I initially thought that he was actually a selfish person, who was irresponsible and didn't love any of us.

Only by understanding the addiction has it made understanding the lies easier. 

That said, I still get frustrated and upset. I still have times when I don't feel I can cope with any more lies. However, I now vent my frustrations and hurt by letting him know how it has made me feel. Sometimes after the initial discussion. I need him to understand how it has made me feel. If I couldn't say this, i would find it hard to support him. 

If he is very defensive, have you tried writing a letter to tell him how you feel? Do yo think he would read it and respond? 

You should not feel useless, although I felt the same too. You are doing a great job at being strong and supporting him to open up. 

Living with a partner who gambles and all that comes with it, makes you feel as though you are not good enough to help them to stop. This is not the truth though. He most likely lies to you because he feels guilt, shame and doesn't want to hurt you. Obviously, the lies end up hurting us but I think that's the logic of some gamblers. 

All we can do is understand and support our partners. However, we need to look after our own well being too. Living with a gambler can sometimes make us feel like we have no control. Ultimately though, when all is said and done, we still have choices. The choices may be hard but they are still there. 

@4qz5ne3uxo hi thank you I can really relate to your post and I actually feel as though I hate him to when he's back gambling because like you said it changes them.

I feel lost because he won't open upto me face to face. I have tried messaging him about it but he hates that and says he's not a baby and will say he will talk face to face but never does. So I don't think the letter will work.

I'm at home looking after the baby when he's making excuses to go out the house I know its to go to the bookies. And it makes me angry because 1. I know its a lie 2. The money he is wasting at the bookies could of gone towards getting something nice for the baby. 

Hes had blocks in place in the past like moses, gamban  and various other self exclusions they all ran out and he's not bothered renewing them. 

I honestly feel like if the baby wasn't here I would have walked by now. But he can be a wonderful dad. And a wonderful partner too....just not when he's gambling. 

I do feel useless because there is nothing I can do to help. He won't talk about it. I just feel lost.

@h8ltvno5i6 I get that he is in total denial but when asked faced to face and the support is offered why still lie