How to move on together?

Hi anonb,

Welcome to the forum and thanks for posting , Sorry to hear about this difficult situation , it's really positive that you have taken all the practical steps and that you now have control of the finances.

It's very understandable and common that trust is lost in these situations,  this can only build and grow over time whether you are in a relationship together or in a relationship apart but as parents.

The priority is your own self care and that of the children at this stage and you have to use your energy on that. 

He is the only person who can be responsible for his own recovery process and it will be clear how dedicated he is to this recovery and change. 

Please stay in touch and you are never alone with this.

Please feel free to contact the GamCare Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or Netline to explore the additional support available to you. We are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week if you would like to talk to one of the GamCare HelpLine advisers.

All the best 

Kirk 

Forum admin . 

Posted by: @nju1wpcsb9

Hi all,

I'm pretty new here after my partner told me about his gambling and huge debt (120k) about 8 weeks ago. He lost tens of thousands of our joint savings (money for house deposit). All practical steps have been taken, I now have control of finances, and he hasn't gambled since. We've had excellent advice from gamcare etc. We have three very young children together.

We are staying together, but I'm finding the emotional side of moving on really hard. I feel like I can easily be his friend and parent together, but I'm not sure how to be his partner any more - that trust and closeness has just gone. He is actually trying really hard and I know that it's now me pushing him away (after the last year of him being moody, stressed, and detached from me and family life which I now know why!). I'm really hurt and angry and lonely.

I'd love to hear from people who have stayed together and any wise words of advice, or people at the same stage of trying to move on. I just don't know how to connect with him anymore and really want to be able to. I think that although I expected trust and forgiveness to take time, I wasn't really prepared for how hard I'm finding it to just be around him day to day. Thanks to anyone reading

Hey There, 

Don't be sad or angry about the situation you are in. Just think positive....

The money you saved for house deposit is gone for something better...... Imagine if you or your partner have faced some other issues like health or any other accident.... Just think that money was not meant for your house deposit..... Try to help your partner, its not easy to stop gambling for him after this much amount is lost in gambling but there is always hopes.... If you help him and let him think that you and him together will make out of the troubles or any situation he might start thinking positively..... 

My personal experience is similar but i am on your opposite side...

I have lost around 300K from my savings and family dividing. i never gambled in my life but some of friends showed me look how we do how we play. Actually those friends were jealous from my appearance my business and my belongings. They have lost there everything and cant see anyone happy or better around them. They dragged me in when i needed support. I was having very tough time. My mother was suffering heart failure and passed away last year. i was away from my partner and kids to take care of my Mom. I loved my Mom more than everything. i would have given my everything to relief my mothers pain but unfortunately there was nothing in my hands. Doctors also disappointed me and my partner didn't  support me in my worst time. She wasn't happy about me helping my mom at her terminal state and stayed away from me when i needed her most. 

I don't know how i have lost all that money in gambling but i don't have any regrets because this is not me loosing first time. I have faced tough times in my career i have lost many times in business and recover again.

I am happy that i have learned not to gamble in my life again.  

Just keep in your mind money can't buy you happiness. Money can buy you a house but not family.

Money can buy medicines but not reliefs..... So be positive and keep in touch for more support..... i wish you all the best and request you to support your partner in this tough time. if you leave him alone he might end up somewhere darker than this.

I’m new here too. It’s only a few weeks since my husband came clean about his gambling problem and debts. We’ve taken all the practical steps to stop him gambling and get the finances in order. But the emotional side is harder.

I can really relate to what you said about feeling able to be a friend and coparent but not knowing how to be a partner. We’ve been married for years and all that time he we was lying to me and hiding things from me. So everything I thought I knew about him or us as a couple has been thrown out now. The trust is so shaken that even while we’re spending time together as a family and having fun I’m second guessing whether that’s real or he’s pretending/still lying to me.

Also there’s nothing romantic or s**y about him having to ask me for money any time he wants a meal deal. Or me having to track his location on apps to check he’s at work or at GA meetings. The dynamic of our relationship has changed. I now feel responsible for keeping him on track, checking the emails the banking apps and making sure he does the counselling and groups etc. I feel more like his parent than I do his wife.

Since he came clean my husband’s life has got easier. He described it as a weight lifted now he’s not got all those secrets and debts. But my life has only got harder.

I don’t think it’s a case of staying positive or looking on the bright side. I think that this experience is a trauma that needs to be processed. And I’ve contacted Gamcare about counselling to help me make sense of it all and give me a safe space to work through my feelings. The Gamcare advisor also told me about group sessions on Zoom for family members and partners affected my loved ones gambling. I think that will be useful because as you said it’s a very lonely feeling. 

@pwu904vq5l Hi SJ15, thank you so much for your reply. Reading what you've written was like reading back my own thoughts - in fact I became confused at one point wondering when I'd written it!

I am so sorry that you are in such a similar situation. Everything you have written - the loss of trust in other aspects of our life together, the problem of having to supervise spending (and there is always something to buy or pay for so money comes up pretty much every day in our house), him feeling better having told me and at the same time my life being turned upside down and becoming suddenly filled with anxiety and sadness. It is really validating to have heard from you.

I will keep an eye out for you on the discussion boards and hopefully see you in the friends and family chatroom. I haven't come across the zoom sessions, but those sound helpful. I have counselling starting this week with a local gambling support service.

I really hope your partner manages to stay away from gambling and that you can rebuild your life together, if that is what you want

@pwu904vq5l reading your post is exactly where I am. 

My boyfriend has gambled since he was old enough. His parents have bailed him out many times (I only found this out recently) he went a long period of time without gambling but I found out recently he was doing it again. I feel so stupid....because I think deep down I knew. He came to me with the problem & was completely broken about it. I changed everything, got all the blocks in place, put all the finances in my control & we seemed to be in a really good place about it. 

Stupidly.....I thought a pot of £1300 was safe in his spare account that he had been collecting for a stag do he is organising....wrong! As ww were going to sleep the other night he just blurted it out that he had lost it all. Again he was broken & said really dark things.

I just feel so naive...I genuinely didn't see that coming. I genuinely didn't think he was capable. The Saturday do is for his closest person in the world. He is best man at his wedding bit that didn't seem to worry him.

I feel so overwhelmed. I keep forgetting that he's done it. I have my first councilling session tomorrow with gamcare. 

I honestly don't know which way to turn. I haven't spoken with anyone around me as I'm honestly.....embarrassed by it all. I don't know if that's normal but it's just about the only emotion I can pinpoint right now.

It’s incredible how I could resonate with the feelings that have been described. When my partner confessed to me 3 years ago, i was in total shock as i never had a clue he had gambling addiction. I always just thought he was bad with money management. As you said, ‘my life was turned upside down’. And as you said, the emotinal side was the most difficult to deal with. I had many sleepless nights and paranoia that he could gamble again. It was a crazy time. With support of family and friends, and my partner showing me he was committed to recover is what got us through. I also came to terms with I will never trust him again with anything financial related. I trust him with everything else and I’m ok with that. He’s ok with that. I overlook our finances, access his bank & credit report and he attends GA regularly. He will finish his debt repayment to his dad next year (48 months to repay him). He is 3+ years gamble free and I feel like we’re on the right track. It can be done but it requires a lot of hard work from the compulsive gambler himself. And never be complacent or underestimate the strength of the addiction. They can recover but they will be compulsive gamblers for life and will never be ‘cured’.