Hi - so I logged in this morning after several log ins the past few weeks, but never actually wrote anything. I discovered I joined a forum 2020, and I’ve known about my husbands gambling since 2012 and in 2015 I knew he’d had a relapse - he was depressed and angry and I stayed to save our marraige. I know he’s gambling again, despite the lies and lies - and I don’t think I can live this life with him anymore. We have 4 amazing kids and I can’t bear the thought of tearing them apart. The aggression, the lies, mood swings etc are too much and now he is refusing to tell me how much he owes on cards and won’t get help either from GA or counselling. He blames me for lots of things that are what I would say normal squabbles. I’m devastated - I love him and our family BUT I am so short tempered with my kids and I hate the person I am right now trying to hold this together- I’m not to tell anyone either. I know no-one can tell me what to do - I just need to put it out here to people experiencing similar.
Dear BeeB,
We are sorry to read that you are struggling. It seems that your husband's gambling is having an impact on your and your family's wellbeing.
We just want to let you know that you don't need to be alone with this. There are support groups for family and friends and we offer referrals to treatment teams that are local and for free. This is so you can have emotional support.
We can also discuss support for your family.
If you want to talk to us, please feel free to contact our HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 and our 1:1 Livechat. Both open 24 hours every day.
We wish you all the best,
Kind regards,
Juan
Forum Admin.
Leave. Don't let the mother of your children (you) be treated in this way. As for the children they don't deserve this. Just don't waste time and regret it later. All sincere advice. I wish you well.
Thank you both for your replies.
Hi
He is unable to be honest with him self so he is most certainly is nto able to be honest with him you.
The addictions aand obsessions indicate that he is most certainly emotionally vulnerable.
Sadly he is ttransfering his pains fears and frustrations on to you and your children.
Gamanon will help you heal for your self but sadly the simple fact you are not able to heal your husband.
He is transfering his pains fears and frsutrations on to you and your children.
Sadly your children will grow up in living in fear of agression.
You stayed to save our marraige sadly it takes two to tango.
Sadly you are unable to make him go to the recovery he needs to do it for him self.
The simple fact that most addictcts will often not go to meetings for them self.
If you don’t think you can live this painful life with him then you have to save yoru family not him.
He is lying because he is completely consumed with fears.
He blames you and life for lots of things, that is him escaping responsibity.
He is palying the very sad victim.
You may love him ye at thsi time he is unable to recipricate your love.
You just need to find your own healing.
Thank you for your sharing.
Dave L
Can I ask 1 thing - is my behaviour incorrect? It’s just he does not think I should be upset or concerned. That his gambling only affects him & the credit cards are in his name? That I ‘don’t need to know the debt’. That I need to look at the kids club direct debits too not the monthly credit card bills. We are maxed over drawn by the 10th of every month so even food shopping is on credit cards. I learned this week my credit score has been affected by this overdraft. I know I am too passive and believed the arguments were me - I know that’s unfair now. But should I be as upset and worried? I’m told my behaviour is incorrect. Then I think he’s me!! Thank you.
Thank you Dave L
hi welcome, heres some tips ive learnt thru the years....
Number 1:
GET BLOCKS IN PLACE
Gamstop for online
Moses for local bookies
And Sense for uk casinos
It’s essential to do them all (you may say i only ever gamble online, or i only ever gamble in bookies) but down the line when you want to scratch that gambling itch or are impulsive like myself, Online, bookies and casinos become tempting.
Number 2:
When you get paid, pay all bills then transfer rest to a loved one for safe keeping. Then it’s not in ur account waiting for the moment ur tempted by gambling its safe and sound and if you do really need it it’s there (either that or start to pay off highest interest debt each month (this will help massively),
I transfer my money to my dad and have saved a lot over the years.
I top up my sainsburys card each month when i get paid for food shopping.
Number 3:
Limit the damage you can do with one visit to town:
The number of times in the past i’ve visited a cash machine for the bookies until i can’t get any more cash out!!!! Let’s save that!!!!
U can limit cash withdrawals (just ask your bank)
You can not take your cards out (more difficult)
You can just take cash then all you can lose is that cash.
There is two step verification that your partner or parents can authorise your payments. (i’ve heard this is great)
Number 4:
With this new life away from gambling you will no doubt try to life a new healthy lifestyle (one step at a time) i found that drinking was clouding my judgement and making me gamble, smoking was inhibiting my breathing, drugs id also done in the past caused my mental well being to go down and these all led my weight, stress levels and ability to do well at work to diminish. It took a breakdown in 2018 for me to realise all these habits needed to stop so i stopped one at a time to give me a better chance, smoking 2016, drinking 2018, gambling 2019…..
MAKE 2023 UR YEAR FOR A FRESH LIFESTYLE< KEEP ME POSTED ADAM…….
this could help him xx
Thanks Adam
Hi
Is your rection to his betrayal lies deceptions and being a loner to you unhealthy.
He is not in a healthy place at this time.
He is not willing to go to meetings or put him self in for help.
He is in self destruction mode and yet he will justify his spending and being a loner as his pleasure.
In life there are healthy reactions and and healthy interactions.
He is not willing or able to admit to him self that being on the adrelaine rush is self destructive.
He is not willing to be honest withy ou because he fears abandonment and rejection.
The longer he is consumed in his unhealthy adddictiosn and obsessions the less chance or recovery or healing.
He is not able to love him self or respect him self.
He has a hurt inner child that has never been healed.
He is hurting you and he is isolating him self with guitl and shame.
The fue for the addiction is money.
A person walking in to the recovery program is the only person that help them self.
If a person walks in to the recovery saying I am fine I have no pains no fears or frsutrations.
He will not be able to achive healing in the recovery program.
Only once abstain from unhealthy habits can they start to heal the hurt and pain of their inner child.
The money lost or the debts are a family issue which needs to be worked out by shairing and sorting out needs wants and goals.
An addict is a drain of a familes resources and adverely affect the security and stabiility of a family.
Living on credit cards is very exspensive on the family funds, it is a fiancial drain and an emotioanl drain.
Money will not heal pains.
Money will not reduce our fears.
Money will not heal relationships.
Money will not make us feel intimately healthy.
He is saying you do not need to know the debt.
He is saying closing you out and trying to justify the pains he causes him self and you.
People fear being honest and accountable to them self and other..
Yes your credit score will be adversely affected by him.
Are you to too passive good question.
Do you think that you were unable to ahve a voice based on peace before you met him.
I use to be a victim of my not being able to seak out.
And often people take advantage of our emotional vulnerability.
Unhealthy will use aggression to intimidate other people.
Should you be as upset and worried.
Yes his insecurity is becoming your insecurity.
Yes his fear are becoming your fears.
Living in fear is very unhealthy.
Emotional pains in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand.
I did karate for over two years then found out that my biggest insecurity was my fear of aggressions.
In Gamanon if there are healthy people attending will hep you help your self.
To understand he is who he is because of him self and it has nothing to do about you.
Untill he wants to help him self there is nothing you can do to change him.
Getting blocks will aid but it is not the final answer.
Untill he gets honest with him self he will not be able to find a healthy life.
Dave L
Thank you Dave L
Hi
Let me know if you ned to share more.
He not only needs to heal his pains but you do also.
Anger is an unhealthy reaction to pains fears or frustrations.
Your frustrations are you are nt able to fix or heal him.
You can get healthy advice and emotional support in Gamanon if you are with him or not.
Thank you for your sharing.
Dave L
I have contacted the team for a one-to-one.
your comments are so helpful thank you for taking the time to reply.
I am so sad. Thanks Dave L.
Hello all,
I lost a close family member in May and held this all in until that happened as I couldn’t bare it all. We had a big talk and he was going to get help. He went to 2 meetings in June then never went back. We’re £30k in debt again.
I hate to admit I checked his coat pocket & found a slip. Christmas Eve and here we are again. I said to him in June I can’t have gambling in the kids lives anymore or mine and he agreed then. The kids have no idea, nobody does. I don’t want to give ultimatums but I’m emotionally drained. I’m sorry for such a selfish post. I’m not strong enough for another 10 years like the last.
Wishing you all a peaceful christmas
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