Husband constantly gambling

Hi thank you for your post on the forum.

This sounds like a difficult situation for you, if you ever need any further support we are open 24/7 on the helpline: tel:08088020133

https://www.gamcare.org.uk/

Please do no go through this alone, we are always here

Best wishes

Forum Admin

Lauren

Hi

Sorry to hear of the pain you are suffering at this time.

Encourage him to get to meetings as soon as possible.

If you can join him in other metting called gamanon it might help you.

Once he starts lying it simply escalates.

The addiction was and is the symptoms that he is was emotionally vulnerable.

My emortional triggers were pains I could not heal, fears I could nto face, and my frsutrations due to my unreasonabale expectations of people life and situations.

Shirley my wife encouraged me to be honest when I gambled.

Take good care

Dave L

Hi.....I understand what you are going through and so do most of the people who read these posts. Your situation is 'normal' in these abnormal circumstances; being married to a compulsive gambler this how your life will be.

Being a gambler is like being an alcoholic in that you are never completely free of the addiction and it takes just one slip and you are drunk with it all over again. The financial cost is horrendous and the lies and deceit are as bad. Its tough knowing what to say to you as its him that has to quit and to quit completely once and for all.

The bottom line though is that if he doesn't stop, you and your kids are better off without him. Its not an easy thing to do, to leave someone you love but trust me here, as not acting now while you are still young and can start afresh will only cause you years of heartache, misery and mistrust.

You don't trust him now and that will take years to go away. He will lie to you and deceive you to have a bet and the occasions that you caught him (or found out somehow) were probably the tip of the iceberg.

If he is really being honest and completely open, ask him if you can have a look at his bank statements for the past few years. Ask him if you can see how much he was earning - I can guarantee he will find an excuse to say no. No you can't see my bank statements and no you can't see how much I was earning, because he will have been lying to you. He will come up with some plausible excuse that you will want to believe...but it will be nonsense. He will want you to trust him, to give him some privacy, to not treat him like a child, how dare you ask that etc etc etc he will turn it around and blame you and you will feel at fault for asking - but you won't get to see what you asked for.

I probably sound very cynical but for me, thats exactly how it was and it will go on for years and years.

Its really difficult for him to choose between you, his wife and children, over his compulsion to gamble. Its really difficult! 

He should self-exclude from all bookmakers and on-line gambling immediately. There is no excuse not to do that and on here at Gamcare you can read up about how easy it is to do it and you can then show him how easy it is.

Then its up to him.....and good luck to you both.

You have my sincerest sympathy.

Mick

He has signed up to gamstop and is going to a meeting tomorrow he’s also cancelled his cards. Do I stay? He said to me he wants to stop and he will try everything to fix this situation. All my family have fallen out with me now because I have given him so many opportunities so I have now lost my family after his recent gamble. I don’t know what to do 

HI 

I'm so sorry to read what you are going through. As a compulsive gambler who is 14 days gamfree I can say a couple of things. 

Firstly, your husband will not be thinking or appreciating what this is going to you. There is a sense that things are not as bad as they really are, that things are under control and you can stop if you really want to. Your husband probably thinks that a big win is just around the corner, especially near Christmas and then he can provide more for you and your children.  It's a completely false and unreasonable belief. I am thousands of pounds in debt and £20 in my account yet i would always think that ... next payday ill set aside £500 to gamble with and then i can use that to win back my loses and then start 'making money'. It never happened. The £500 would go, normally in the first day, then i would use other money that i need for bills to try and win back the £500 but that would all go. Your husband probably has mood changes when he is losing to as he gets frustrated. We always know we have done a stupid thing and feel terrible for it but the buzz from a win always seems to over shadow it. 

I would say that this is a condition out of your husbands control - to a certain extent and he will need help and support and you sound like an amazing wife. At the end of the day though you have your children to think of. If i were you, i would give him an ultimatum, that its you and the children or its gambling. Ask him if gambling is working for him - does he have thousands in the bank - i think the answer is no. He needs to be serious though. He needs to put all the blocks in place and he needs to contact his bank to stop all transactions to sites. Then all he can do is draw cash and go to a bookie. He needs to allow you sight of all his accounts. Maybe even have his wages put into your account or a joint account for a period of time. It shouldnt be so much a trust issue (although for you i get it will be) its more of an accountability issue and a way to support and help him. 

I hope this helps a little. Good luck. 

@gamblerhusband Well it seems that he is making an effort.  You haven't said anything about checking his bank statements or his wages deposits and thats one of the only ways you can be sure about his finances; both income and outgoings.  If he agrees that you have full access then thats a very good start - but, again, if he doesn't want you to have access its because he has something to hide and that will be continued gambling. He will lie and deceive you to stop you looking, make any excuse but they all amount to the same thing.

If he really is making the effort then support him fully and forget about what he has done in the past - but if he doesn't stop tell him NOW that the consequences are you will leave. Tell you family and tell him too; if they care for you they will understand and hopefully, in a few years, they might forgive him even if they will never forget.

Good luck