Hi all
I am new to this site but not to the issue of gambling. My husband and I have been together 18 years and have 3 children. He suffers from anxiety but does not reliably take his medication. He has always had a gambling problem spending more than he can afford, borrowing money and lying to me. Until a few years ago he also had a serious C*****e addiction which he has (as far as I'm aware) completely stopped. He has a stressful job and has always struggled with family life and routine looking for an escape. Every 6 weeks or so he will not come home (I can predict it, cagey, doesn't answer his phone and always on or near payday when he has money). He will inevitably text me the next morning with an apology saying he doesn't know why he's done it. He will drink a bottle of whisky and gamble. He claims he becomes overwhelmed with anxiety and goes into a trance where he cannot stop gambling. The next day he will promise the earth, that he will get therapy, go back to the GP, take his meds and it will never happen again etc. By the end of the week however all talk of counselling and real help fades and he claims he's fine and doesn't need it. I feel manipulated and that he is just saying what he thinks I want to hear with no real intention of following through with it. If I bring up the things he's promised to do he becomes agitated, dismissive and accused me of "having a go" I threw him out 3 years ago over his behaviour and for 18 months lived peacefully. After seeing him beat his C*****e addiction I truly believed he had changed but now these period of anxiety cause him to run away and gamble with me left at home not know where he is or when he's coming back. I have 3 children who are old enough to know he's disappeared and the guilt of taking him back only for him to be doing this is killing me. I am at the point of cutting him off for good but something is stopping me and I have this stupid hope he will one day be a good husband. He is in serious denial of how bad the issue is and thinks because it's not every day it's not that bad. He also says I will push him to do it again if I keep on at him about getting help and it will be my fault. He has always been manipulative and roll use anyone to get what he wants to feed his addiction. What help should he be getting? and am I wasting my time and just another person he needs to keep doing what he's doing? Sorry this is such a rant it's the first time I've actually got out the whole story, I think I'm also in denial and have started to believe this is normal
Hi, and well done on such a brave post. Sounds like your having a very tough time of it.
It sounds like you have hit the nail on the head when you mention denial. He is clearly in denial about this and until that changes, he will not change. Gamblers always think they will get that one big win and everything will be ok. The reality is, one big win would make things worse. Until he realises there is no winning situation with gambling, he cant begin to recover.
If he is serious about quitting, it should be him on here, not you. He should be telling everyone how he's hurt you and how bad he feels, he should be asking for help. Sounds like he still has access to his money which is a massive no no at this stage. If you really do see a future, then you need to have all his finances. He needs to be given pocket money to get him through the week and you control everything. Unfortunately, you will have to live with another child for a while!
Until he admits, honestly, that he is ready to quit, there is no future. He has to be the one to embrace the recovery. He needs to go to GA meetings, hand over finances, show you his credit file, put blocks in place. He needs to be on here, speaking to others, contacting Gamcare.
You need to put you, and the kids, first. This will only drag you down unless he is ready to commit 100%. If he's not ready, then there is only one way out for you I'm afraid.
Tough times ahead, but you can contact anyone on here, Gamcare, GamAnon. There is lots of support available for families impacted too.
Stay strong 👍
Yes I was same with my wife constant lies where I was going what I was spending not to your degree as we have seperate bank accounts but you do need to look after yourself or make him make a decision if you give an ultimatum it may make him realise what he’s doing and make the changes he needs to until then I think the pattern will continue ❤️
Think you do know it's groundhog day all gambling addicts are really good liars and looking for any excuse to blame anyone and every one except them selfs for there narcissist behavior you must do what is right and proper for your own mental health and to lead a happy life not living on tenterhooks wondering what is coming next it's actually a form of domestic abuse to you and your family.hope everything works out for you bless you
You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. There is no excuse for the manipulation and gaslighting. That’s not ok. He needs to realise there will be real consequences. It’s ultimatum time. You need to set out rules and consequences and make sure he knows that you will stick to them and there will be no going back. Your kids need to be protected and he needs to get his priorities sorted. Try not to be confrontational but matter-of- fact. Type it all out. He needs to have his wages paid into your account and will only be able to get approved expenditures and some pocket money, you’ll subscribe to a credit check service so you’ll see if he’s attempted to take out any credit agreements etc etc - if he buys so much as a raffle ticket you’ll be ditching him for good, seeking full custody and explaining to the kids why… but end up on a positive note. Tell him you love him and have belief he can do this and that if he does you’ll be very proud of him.
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