Husband has gambled 20k in 10 weeks

Hi Sunshine, welcome to the forum 🙂

Sorry to see you here under such stressful circumstances...What help are you after?

You can call the helpline & speak to an advisor...They can give you some practical advice about a range of issues as well as how to protect yourself financially or offer you counselling if you’re struggling to cope?

He may not understand the reasons for it either but only he can figure them out & if he isn’t willing to do that, you need to figure out exactly what you will & won’t put up with & having full financial control (especially credit history which will give you a clear idea of what the actual damage is rather than just having to take his word for it) is a good start!

Us compulsive gamblers can’t be trusted and the best way to tackle this is to learn as much as you can about addiction & how to protect yourself.

There is blocking software available to stop internet gambling & your internet provider may also be able to assist with controls but barriers are merely a deterrent...He needs to be @ counselling &/ GA to figure out a plan to get this under control & you can’t do that for him.

GamAnon meetings will give you real life support from others who have walked & are walking in your shoes!

You have to find a way to look after you first - ODAAT

Hi sunshine. Practical advice? You need full financial control, his salary straight to you. GA meetings. Credit reports. Access to his account, change all passwords. (If it's online) online blocks k9,gamban etc. No joint accounts. No bailouts, don't take loans out on his behalf. Open all the post. My cg continued secretly for 15 years. Made excuses didn't like GA, I can do this alone, etc. Now he's at GA, he says it's the only way. Many disagree. You should call gamcare get some support. Don't keep this a secret, addiction survives on secrets and lies. Look after you and the children. You can go to a gamanon meeting and get support and advice from others who live with this. Don't ignore it, don't think it goes away and there is a cure, it can only be arrested. Did you find out or did he confess? If he wants to stop he should actively seek help. The money is gone and he will never win it back.

Hi Sunshine,

How did you find out? Did he come clean? the reason I ask is that you now need full disclosure and he shoudl be willing to give it if he wants to stay part of your family. If he came clean it probably indicates he genuinly wants help, which is good as CG's have to get help themselves, they cannot be forced. I went for councelling but deep down i did not want to stop gambling so it was pointless. WHen I hit rock bottom I went to GA and it has turned my life around. You have come to the right place to look for advice as us CG's will keep avenues open to gamble again if allowed. Merry go round has the right idea, take complete control as if he has no access to funds or credit he simply cannot gamble.

I know the 20k is a body blow to lose, but its gone, if he does not give up it can get a hell of a lot worse. I wish you well.

w Thanks all, I really appreciate your advice.

I’ll reply more later.

He didn’t come clean exactly- he’s been pre-occupied recently and I made a remark that it felt like I was talking to a dead person as there was no emotion from him these days. That sort of sparked a conversation that ended up with me getting it out of him. He looked tortured. The problem is, he has used his tax bill money of approx 9k, so that is causing us both a lot of worry.

Anyway I’ve made some positive steps.

Hi

Having to drag it out of him isn't the best sign he wants to stop but the upside is you now have the opportunity to limit any further damage. Agree with MGR. Full financial control and access to everything you want to see. Get everything you can into your sole name and sever as much financial connection with him as you can. Don't be manipulated out of anything you feel you need and if he balks be wary. He's lost the right to call the shots. Don't take on debt in your own name to bail him out. They are his debts and he can figure out how to deal with them. There's plenty of help out there to enable him to do just that.Tell anyone who might fall for a sob story. CG's will sometimes ask for others not to be told but keeping their secrets rarely ends well. Read up on the addiction to educate yourself on what you're up against and look for support for yourself. Family, friends and/or outside groups such as Gamanon.

I’ve spoken to my husband about it today and told his family. He says he lost a daft amount on the first night, he said he thought it would be fun, but his brain kept telling him to chase his losses. Rather than loose £80/£100, chasing his loses has cost him 20k! I’m not sure if this is normal. He’s called Gamcare tonight and they are arranging counselling in the next 3/5 days. Aside from this, I can’t beli the lack of support out there. Luckily I have Bupa through work, they don’t cover gambling as a worthy cause for counselling.

In addition,the bank has granted him a 5k overdraft and allowed him to send it all to a casino called Panda!

Hi Sunshine, this may come across as blunt but what help exactly do you think is lacking? He’s being provided free counselling via this website & there are all sorts of support groups up and down the country (GA being the most obvious) including help from his GP IF he wants it.

I’m also a bit confused by the explanation as to how he ended up in this financial black hole & to be honest, although chasing losses IS very common it sounds odd that someone would be sucked in that deep from one night of loss? Have you accessed his credit reports to verify his explanation because if not, as others have said, I would urge you to do so! Gambling is a mind problem, not a money one & it’s good that he has arranged the counselling himself, I just can’t see why he didn’t do this on Friday when you arrived here?

I don’t understand why it’s lucky you have Bupa either? If they don’t cover gambling as a worthy cause & you think you would benefit from counselling, please ring GamCare...You are eligible to receive it through here too!

I’m not sure the banks have a great deal of control over what we do with overdrafts & loans once agreed but the gaming industry is unscrupulous & will take take take rarely a question asked. You need to safeguard the finances ASAP because even though he may feel lighter that his secret is out, this is just the start of a long journey to get his addiction under control.

I’m not going to repeat the advice but I am going to say, I wish you every strength going forwards - ODAAT

Do you have access to the bank accounts and credit reports (all three agencies, all free via Noddle, Clearscore and Experian from MSE Credit Club) yet? You can't trust a word he says without seeing independent proof for yourself.

I agree it's unusual for a large amount to be lost first time round. The experience often seems to be a largish win to start with (these companies know how to get and keep their punters hooked) with the descent into the madness of chasing following later. It's a progressive addiction.

Don't expect the banks to do anything to prevent access to gambling. They are businesses catering for adults who make their own decisions and they won't monitor what's going where. This is why you must secure the finances as a priority. No access to cash = far less chance to gamble. Not foolproof because if they're determined to gamble they will but way better than unfettered access.

Your not sure if losing 20k in 10 weeks is normal? It's perfectly normal for compulsive gamblers, so is destoying marriges, relationships, jobs, ruining lives and so forth. The only reason I stopped was I ran out of funds, my partner and kids could ahve kicked me out as they had to live with a horrible person who was consummed by his addiction and they all came a distant second. It was only when I went to GA and sought help that I changed my mindset and turned my life around.

Most of society is ignorant of the extent of the nations gambling problem, but there is support out there. GA for example is a 12 step program run by fellow compulsive gamblers. I too went for councelling but was able to keep up the charade of foolin my self that I had it under control, but it was not until GA that i realised I could never gamble again.

At least now the cat is out of the bag so to speak, but its vital you take charge of his finances. I could stay off gambling for weeks at a time but it would eventually pull me back in, but it was easy to hide. Now my partner has access to everything including credit reports (Clearscore is free for example) so she can see all my debt . If I did one more bet I know our reltionship is over, which is a huge help to be honest if I get any urges I know eveything is on the line.

Your husband is a compulsive gambler but he is not alone, there is help out there if he really wants it.

Sunshine01 wrote:

Hello Sunshine and sorry to hear that your husband has lost so much money on gambling. I have a friend who has a gambling addiction although with him it is fruit machines in pubs or "amusement" arcades. Sometimes he wins a bit but by the time he leaves the arcade he has almost always lost a lot of money that he cannot afford. Others have given some good advice for you, such as taking control of all finances yourself. You have to try to prevent him from losing any more money. Have you looked at https://www.gamstop.co.uk/ which should be able to help with self exclusion from online betting?

The above title says it all! Is there anyone that can give me some practical advice please?

We’ve been together 20 Years and have 2 young children. I don’t understand the reasons behind this addiction and never will.

He’s addicted to online roulette and it shocks me how much you can gamble each day.

Can anyone help? Thank You

Sunshine01 wrote:

Hello Sunshine and sorry to hear that your husband has lost so much money on gambling. I have a friend who has a gambling addiction although with him it is fruit machines in pubs or "amusement" arcades. Sometimes he wins a bit but by the time he leaves the arcade he has almost always lost a lot of money that he cannot afford. Others have given some good advice for you, such as taking control of all finances yourself. You have to try to prevent him from losing any more money. Have you looked at www.gamstop.co.uk which should be able to help with self exclusion from online betting? I think that it is going to launch this spring.

The above title says it all! Is there anyone that can give me some practical advice please?

We’ve been together 20 Years and have 2 young children. I don’t understand the reasons behind this addiction and never will.

He’s addicted to online roulette and it shocks me how much you can gamble each day.

Can anyone help? Thank You

Some gamblers can be very devious in trying to hide what is going on.