I don't know where to start really, or what to do.
My husband has gambled large amounts of money since I've known him. To begin with it never seemed like it was a problem, I didn't really know the extent of it. When I met him he said he'd lost some money in the past and his parents had bailed him out. As I later found it was tens of thousands. Its happen on a large scale a few times we've been together, the first couple of times it was passed off as things like 'somebody defrauded my bank account' etc, until it became obvious there was a serious problem. We have young children and his wages for the month we're all swallowed up in debt and we had nothing to live on. I ended up selling stuff and using my credit card to make sure things were paid for. We ended up with an iva which has been like a noose for the last 5 years. Fast forward a few years I thought we had made progress, he had a good job, we were looking to getting a mortgage next year.
Then today I find out he has gambled our savings for our house deposit of ВЈ10000 and he is another £16000 in debt on top of that.
I'm struggling to comprehend the amount. I've struggled to talk to him. He has gone to stay with a friend tonight on my wishes. I believe this amount was lost in a single go, he said he had a bad 'moment' and he's been paying for everything on his credit cards. Add to this he is the breadwinner, I'm a stay at home mum to 3 young children. This happened a year ago and he has only just told me so I dread to think of the state of our finances as our lifestyle hasn't changed in that time.
He has palmed me off the last few years when it comes to money, he's flashed me the savings account a few times so I thought we were back on track. I had begun to trust him with money again. Now I feel so naive, I feel guilty for my poor kids because I should have been more insistent on checking his accounts, but he always started an argument whenever I tried to talk about anything to do with our finances. I feel like I've failed my children in that respect and I found myself looking at them earlier and just feeling heartbroken, that their own father has done that to them.
I don't know what to do, I love him, but I feel completely betrayed and broken. I have no money of my own. We have a good friend who we rent our house from (who he is staying with and who I hope he will explain the situation to). He will admit he has a problem, but not call it by its name, its like that is a problem 'other people' have.
Any advice from people who have dealt with this would be ome, sorry for long post, thank you x
Sorry to see this.
First thing to say is you're not naive. We've all trusted the one person who should have had our backs. We've all wanted to believe what they say. That they've leant their lesson and it's over but there won't be many on this side of the fence who haven't been let down after doing so.
Unfortunately although you're reeling you're the rational one in this and you have to take immediate steps to protect your own and the children's interests. That means no access to the finances or any savings (children's included) for him. Check credit reports from every agency both in his and your names (all available free - Noddle, Clearscore and Experian from MSE Credit Club). That will give you an idea of the true extent of the debt and reveal any hidden loopholes in the shape of undisclosed bank accounts he could use to channel further funds.
You can't trust anything he says without seeing independent proof so don't. Don't engage with argument or dramatics. Calmly state what you want and need. If he won't comply be wary. He's used arguing to manipulate you out of asking too many questions in the past. Don't let him manipulate you again. There is a wealth of help and advice available to him if and when he's ready to stop but there's nothing you or anyone can do or say to make him. Read up on the addiction. Look for support for yourself. Look after you.
Hi Anna unfortunately you can't trust a compulsive gambler with money. It is addiction, so needs to be arrested by attending GA meetings. Credit reports will show you what is going on. I would advise you take over finances if he's willing. A gamanon meeting will help you. Safeguard yourself and don't pay his debts. Stepchange will advise what he can do regarding debts and repayment.
Thank you for your comments. He has sent me a message to say from now on he will get his wages paid into my account and I will manage all of the money asides from his work credit card (he has to provide all receipts to them so hoping that's enough of a deterrent).I keep their accounts myself so he has no access to them or my own account.I think we're going to have to go through everything with a fine tooth comb when I can bare to be Inthe same room as him again. A friend has offered to bail him out which in a way I feel quite uneasy about. He would have to pay his friend back but minus the interest. I don't believe in bail outs as I think he should learn the consequences but I feel like the children will suffer if we don't consider it as an option. I'm just dreading going into iva again as I think that will be our hopes of a mortgage dashed.
I think he needs to face up to the fact he has a problem and that's going to be extremely hard for him.
Is it normal to go several years doing fine and then just out of nowhere lose so much? The last time it happened his dad got involved and did some exclusion thing for betting shops but I don't know much about it? Can you exclude yourself from all betting shops forever? What about online, presumably its all still available to anyone? Thanks
Gamstop is 5 years exclusion for online U.K. Sites. He can download Gamban onto gadgets. He can self exclude from bookies I think MOSES is the name of it, you call up. The reality is he probably never stopped, he may be a binge gambler. Who knows, it's all done now. Meetings are the way forward in my opinion. If he really wants to stop and recover he will do anything. Wages straight to you is good but you must be prepared to be strong. Don't give in to manipulation. I control finances on his request, he supplies receipt for everything. As said before credit reports will show you if he's got other accounts, cards. If his friend offers money it's considered a bailout. Regular repayment can be arranged. Does his friend realise what it's for? How will he feel if he doesn't get the money back? Don't take on responsibility if you are unsure of what it entails. A gamanon meeting will help you and offer support. You can also call gamcare and talk to someone.
My husband has had an issue for over 10 years and I didn’t have a clue. I had an idea something was not right, but never delved as it didn’t effect me and the kids. I’ve found out this year alone (barring in mind we’re only 12 weeks into the year) he’s gambled over 60k, yep that’s right £60,000. Even writing that makes me feel physically sick when we’ve had no money the last month to even buy food and I’ve just given birth to a newborn too. Why do they do this to us, why are we not good enough to make him stop?! How does he look at his starving wife and kids and continue!?! I don’t think I can ever forgive him, I think our marriage is over, but I don’t want a broken home for our kids 🙁
Rae Rae you need to get help for you and your kids. Call stepchange.
Thank you for the advice, but a debt management plan will not help us! We only owe around 1k through joint accounts, the rest is all owed to family who paid everything off for us before and lost savings which were meant to buy our dream family forever home! A month ago I thought we were set for life looking at 5 bed houses with the deposit we had, and now I cant even buy food or pay bills in a tiny rented house!
Thank you merry go round for all your suggestions, I've written a list and going to look into them all.
Rae Rae I really hope you're ok, I can imagine how vulnerable you must feel with the new baby, I know exactly how you feel about trying to do what's right for the children. What do we do, leave them? I don't even know what my emotions straight financially, at least if we are together he will agree to me managing finances and I can try to salvage the
I know there easy when he is the sole provider. I'm not afraid of hard work but I have a 1, practicalities of making sure they eat, get to their school etc and bring money in for them, I just don't know how you rip art again, it really feels like being trapped in a mess not of your own making. I hope you find help Rae Rae, do you have any friends or family to talk to, I'm struggling with the loneliness, if I told my family they still don't know what to do, I don't think I want to add their well meant advice to the equation.
Anna find a meeting if you are feeling alone, Gamanon is about friends and family. Very supportive, even if you just go once a month. Rae Rae stepchange will give advice on what to do not just an iva. There's help out there for free, just talking or advice on things you don't realise you can do for help.
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