TL;DR - Found out my wife was gambling, 10 months later she initiated separation. Is she still gambling?
There is a lot to unpack here, I apologise for the word dump but there is quite a lot to cover to give the right context for the rock bottom mess I find myself in now.
We were together for 18 years, we have been married only 2 years (she left me just before our second anniversary, blindsided). We share 3 children. We were married in mid 2022. Best day of our lives. We were engaged for 16 years. We were in love, and extremely close.
Fast forward to November 2023, and I find out by pure chance that my Wife has been gambling, compulsively, in secret since early 2019 to the tune of average £600 a month losses. She was gambling every day without fail in this time after going through her bank account, except for one day....the wedding day.
The whole thing brought my world crashing down around me. I was not only angry, I was deeply worried about her as she broke down in front of me, and I had so so so many questions. My head was and still is in a spin. She had been emotionally quite distant for a while, and I will be honest I had been worrying about the relationship, but she always gave the excuse that everything was fine and she was just tired. She never was overly affectionate etc. I didn't read TOO much into it, but I do recall feeling quite ignored and lonely at times and it did on occasion cause conflict. I knew 'something' was up, but I had absolutely no inkling it was gambling, and to this level. Do not ask me how I didn't notice the finances going, it is a mixture of pure blindness on my part, and very calculated scheming on hers to keep it from me (lying about her salary with her new job, borrowing off relatives without telling me, lying about bill amounts etc to cover losses). Then it dawned on me, she married me whilst in the grips of her addiction, she gave vows to me knowing she had gambled the day before (she gambled the day after) and she was losing £600 per month. In this 4 year period we struggled financially, a house move, and I was often working extra on the side so my wife and kids could have nice things. She was watching me work the weekends missing out on time with her and the kids whilst she gambled. I had no idea.
I decided to stick by her and help her out of it. I went with the empathy and compassion angle. An addiction is an illness right? She was apologetic, fell into a depression and begged me not to leave her. She wouldn't do it again. The thing is, she refused counselling and GA (because she said she didn't need it because its not a problem anymore - this was the day after I found out. In hindsight its classic denial), she swore me to secrecy and wouldn't accept me telling any relatives including her mother (I felt I would need the support, but she had been deceiving her mother too by lying about what she needed to borrow money for etc), and she would only give me very limited access to her information (she settled on letting me have the password to her email address). I was such an idiot, I didn't put my foot down and set hard boundaries and conditions. I convinced myself I believed she had stopped and everything will be ok. I had all the evidence in the world to justify NOT trusting her, but I just did. She apologised for the emotional distance and admitted she calculated that because it helped her feel less guilty gambling.
This issue caused unprecedented conflict and tension in our relationship for the last 10 months. I sank into a depression, I was constantly worried about her. Paranoid every time she picked up her phone, with the added guilt that I had lost respect for my beautiful wife and didn't trust her. I just didn't. This lack of trust then manifested into me absolutely paranoid she was interested in a colleague at work because she made a new friend, and the mistrust spread like wildfire to every aspect of our relationship. I just didn't know what to believe. When we argued, it always came back around to the gambling, and I would admit I was struggling with trust, but point out she had done nothing to rebuild that trust in refusing help and burdening me with it (not allowing us to tell anyone else). I told her just having to take her word for it that it had stopped after such a compulsive and extreme addiction just wasn't cutting it. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I would be up until 4am with work the next morning researching about how to be a counsellor so I could help, whilst also riddled with trust issues and reading gambling forums and articles that only convinced me it was almost IMPOSSIBLE she was able to go cold turkey, and not to believe a word she says etc. She had all the classic blocks on her phone (Gamban) etc but I knew there were ways around it. I had a constant niggling doubt, and thought she may have been struggling the whole time still. It was not a subject I could approach, she would just accuse me of weaponizing her mistakes, and bringing up the past to hurt her. She could not see the point. It wasn't about the past, it was about what it was doing to us in the PRESENT. She refused to take any accountability for what it had done to the relationship, and what it was doing to me. She wanted to just bury it and would not engage.
In January, she broke down during a walk and told me she felt like "killing herself" because she couldn't cope with the guilt anymore. I told her everything would be ok, and have worried sick ever since. In hindsight, it seemed out of the blue considering it came almost 2 months after I found out and it had supposedly stopped. Now I am wondering, was she still gambling? I couldn't verify it, as finances seemed ok but something seems off about it.
The relationship was volatile, she grew even more distant, and stopped making any effort with me whatsoever. She slept on the sofa most nights, and I knew we were in trouble, but I always felt like it was a phase we were going through, and there were moments of love and passion in between, so I put it down to her just struggling and I was doing my best.
In July she woke up one morning, visually angry (she was never angry) shouting at the baby and the kids, and slamming things around. Something was up. Later that evening she blindsided me and left me. 18 years down the drain, not even our 2nd anniversary. She said she was resentful and unhappy, and there was nothing we could do to fix it. She knew we could if we wanted to but she didn't want to. She was done. Nothing I said registered. She simply drowned me out. I moved out and she became cold and distant for 5 weeks before softening up once I found a place. There is still no getting through to her and I feel completely discarded. I have spent 10 months fighting for her, stressed, not sleeping and in a constant state of worry, and she just discarded me without emotion. Gone.
One red flag for me post breakup, was I asked her if she was still gambling (the whole split seemed so sudden and out of character that I assumed something must have happened to trigger it). Her reaction to this question was the only time she has displayed ANY emotion other than anger since the split. She sobbed on the spot and said "No I am not gambling, as if you would think I could do that again to the kids." I felt the tears were out of character, something was off, I had hit a nerve. When I asked if there was someone else, there wasn't the same level of emotion, dead cold "Of course not", when I asked if she was still in love with me "Of course I am, its not about that". The emotional reaction to the gambling question really stuck with me. Was she still doing it?
I have spent weeks depressed, living alone, constantly wondering what the hell is going on and how my life got to this. I ask myself, was I naive for believing she did/could just stop gambling so easily? How likely is it that she has still been gambling this entire time? I don't understand the addiction. How likely is it that she left me because she was gambling, and not because she didn't want to be with me? I am the only person who knows about her struggles.
I am so confused and lost, and feel worthless and discarded. She won't talk.
I spend my days and evenings sobbing, and grieving. Going through the usual steps of a breakup and feelings of rejection from the woman I truly loved. The memories haunting me, the shame of a failed marriage, and feeling responsible replaying times I shouted or said something cruel, or didn't do enough around the house, whilst also worrying myself sick she is still gambling and wondering if any of this is even my fault - and this comes with a burning unhealthy resentment. If she is gambling, and deep down all this comes from that, then how could she do this to me? She has destroyed me mentally and emotionally. I have been having suicidal ideation, but I am getting help, attending andys man club and paying for a counsellor. I am truly at rock bottom with it all. It has destroyed me, whether she is still doing it or not.
18 years of love and connection with the one, undone in a chaotic 10 months and my feet haven't touched the ground.
What would you do? Any help would be appreciated. Thank you
Hey mate. I’m so sorry to hear about your position. Your story really touched a nerve with me as I was the gambler in a very similar story. My wife found out about my gambling and after a bit of soul searching decided she couldn’t stay with me. The deception and lies could not be forgiven. Same timescale of about 2 years of marriage, and I was out on my own. I completely understand why and don’t hold this against her. I’m nearly 6 months gamble free now and when I said I would stop I did. We are still separated.
Onto how this ties in with your story. I think if I had stayed with my ex it wouldn’t have worked out. I think the constant feeling of being watched or not trusted would have ground me down. I know I would have had to fight through this to save the marriage, but ultimately I think the trust would never have been won back and I would have felt smothered. I know I can manage my finances now and I know I don’t gamble, but could she ever understand that? I don’t think she could. This is completely understandable. I deceived her for years. Gamblers are not bad people. They don’t set out to hurt others but it is the unfortunate by product of the addiction.
Some people get through this with the support of a partner, some reconcile after some time. I don’t know what your future holds, but maybe some time alone is what your wife needs. Time to stand on her own 2 feet, time to get to grips with quitting. It’s a lonely time being a gambler and filling that void can take some time. I can’t say to you that she is still gambling or if she has quit. That is her journey. As long as she understands you are still there supporting her and the kids, even from afar, it will be a massive help. Maybe the time alone will see her hit rock bottom and realise she needs you. I can’t say.
Please reach out to the gamcare team. They have seen all kinds of stories and can help you with support. Don’t blame yourself. Addiction can strike anyone and it can leave carnage in its wake even for those not part of it. Just understand this is not your fault. You are not to blame and you’ve done all you can to be there.
I wish you all the best for the future. Please let us know how you get on. It can really help to keep writing down your emotions. Something i discovered when I quit.
Stay strong 💪
@p6z38njbqm Thank you for taking the time to respond and tell me your story, and I am sorry you went through that. Congratulations on your hard work overcoming your problem.
The part that stuck with me was "gamblers are not bad people". I understand nobody sets out to do this to harm people, but the part I find unforgivable, and that part that might make someone a "bad" person is lack of accountability. My wife's stonewalling, gaslighting and refusal to understand or validate my feelings during the fallout in my opinion makes her quite a bad person. She lacked any empathy or remorse, she at least didn't show it.
Then to blindside me and cast me out of my family, citing "built up resentment" as her reason for just discarding me, refusing to discuss, give me a platform to speak or acknowledge how the gambling caused us issues, makes her a bad person in my opinion. Complete lack of accountability.
At any point in the last 10 months when I brought up the need for counselling (even couples counselling) because I could see it causing us harm and I wanted us both to be happy, she could have taken that opportunity and committed to actually doing something that would have gone some way to rebuild my trust, but she put in no effort at all other than insisting "THERE IS NO PROBLEM", despite it being right under our nose. She observed me struggling to keep my head above water, she watched me single handedly fight for our marriage, she watched me worry about her 24/7 and stand by her, only to just discard me like nothing? Out of the blue. She could have saved me 10 months of life changing trauma and stress by pulling the rug in November when I found out, but no, she watched me sink and flail for 10 months first. I think she either left me because she couldn't process her own guilt, or she left me to protect the addiction she never actually managed to let go of, because she refused the help. I can't imagine someone would willingly get the help if they aren't ready to quit.
I just feel doubly betrayed. She is a complete avoidant.
I think that the accountability comes with recovery. Unfortunately gamblers are selfish. It’s all about them. It took me a while to really truly understand what I’d put my ex through. I fought to save us. Took all the advice. Attended meetings. Would have gladly went to counselling. Went to a GP. Even though it was still about me and saving my own skin and marriage. I truly understand now the damage gambling does to others but the accountability part took me a while to get to. I’m not defending your wife, but I am saying that she may not be ready to admit how’s she has hurt you yet. It’s the hardest thing to come out of an addiction and the recovery process is different for everyone. You unfortunately are on the wrong end of it having done nothing wrong. Admitting that she has devastated you might not be on her radar yet. It might tip her over the edge, or it’s that maybe she is still gambling and in denial. I couldn’t say.
Sorry if this isn’t much help. Like I say I’m not trying to defend anyone’s actions, but just give you an insight into the mind of someone who has been in this situation but as the person causing the harm.
Hope you get some resolution 💪
@p6z38njbqm Thanks. The difference is, she hasn't engaged with any of those resources. Lied about going to the GP, never went to GA, didn't seek help and denied it was a problem, despite witnessing first hand it coming between us and turning me into a paranoid, anxious wreck. She didn't once step in and do her part.
@p6z38njbqm it’s is a difficult situation and it requests hard control to come out and one think please kept in mind the money lost will not come back
I’m certainly no expert in this and I’m going off my own personal experience, which can be very different to others, but when I was gambling I lied about things, I didn’t admit to having a problem. Even if I were to read your story I wouldn’t agree there was an issue.
In my experience I would suggest your wife is not accepting that there is a problem yet. I genuinely dont think she’s trying to hurt you. I think she wants some breathing space to give gambling another go. See if she can get that big win we all chase. Maybe when that doesn’t happen she will realise things are better at home and with support and it might be time to accept things.
Like I said, I’m no expert so please don’t take my statements as gospel. That’s just what my head space was ok the same situation when I was a gambler.
Stay strong 💪
@p6z38njbqm Even now, I have no concrete proof she is even gambling, but I can't for the life of me shake off this deep instinctive feeling that she is, and the separation is hugely related to her problem. Again, I don't have any evidence beyond what has gone before, the conflict in our relationship in the last 10 months, and her refusal to take accountability/seek help or even talk about the issue. There has been a sense that she is running from/concealing something this entire time. I just cannot shake it off. In regards to her not wanting to hurt me, she has a funny way of showing it if this IS gambling related. She has seen me out of the family home, and has watched me grieve the loss of her, and thrust me into an uncertain future. I have had the most difficult, painful and heart breaking 2 months of my entire life, and things only seem to be getting more painful as time passes. Could somebody really do this because of an addiction? Do people really choose gambling over the love of their life? If so, and this is the case, she must be in deep. How realistic is it she went cold turkey that day and I am just completely barking up the wrong tree here? Part of me is also terrified of that being the truth, because that would mean she left me because she genuinely doesn't want to be with me, and I am the problem. I know that sounds selfish, but if gambling relapse was at the crux of this whole thing, at least I could understand what is going on. I am just at the mercy of her here and I don't understand how I find myself here. Alone. With a million unanswered questions and doubts.
‘Do people really chose gambling over the love of their life’ - it’s hard for people who’ve never had an addiction like this to understand. It’s been proven that gambling rewires parts of the brain, the same thing happens with n*******s etc. The brain gets used to receiving pleasure and the pull is hard to get away from. It’s not that they chose one or the other. The brain needs the chemicals that gambling releases. This makes the gambler do things they wouldn’t normally do. They don’t deliberately set out to ruin relationships but just like drug or drink addictions, this is the result. The only way I can describe it is like the early days of a relationship where you can’t get enough of each other. You get addicted to seeing each other. We all know this period wears off and changes to a more platonic partnership where you rely on each other. Gambling unfortunately stays in this early relationship stage. Every time you gamble it’s like a new experience, a new high.
I know you have allot of unanswered questions. Just know, that if gambling is still the issue, her reliance on dopamine hits is causing this. I can’t say it’s not more than that, but I can say if it is and she addresses it, she can rewire the brain again and return to normal. I hope her time alone makes her realise that gambling is fooling her and she belongs with you and the family.
Stay strong my friend. You are not alone in this. 💪
Hi
The recovery program is about abstaining from the addictions and unhealthy habits.
Once that is done then the healing process can start to heal the hurt girl in your wife.
Sadly she did not understand why she was so addicted and unhealthy.
It is important to get people to healthy meetings that offer healthy therapy sessions.
The addict is not selfish she is self destructive not the same thing.
The most important things that happen in a recovery is being abale to abstain from unhealthy habits.
To understand what our emotional triggers are and in time feel less vulnerable and more healed.
I like many people am a non religious person yet I am more of a spirtual person today.
The recovery program is not about who is right or who is wrong it is about exchanging our unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.
My emotional triggers were pains I could not heal.
My emotional triggers were fears I could not face or reduce.
My emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.
By my having unreasonable expectations I was in effect causing my self more pains.
My emotional triggers were my fears or emotional intimacy.
My emotional triggers were my feelings of boredom.
Once we start to abstain from our addictions we can start to heal our pains.
My addictions and my obsessions just indicated how emotionally vulnerable I use to be before my recovery.
Getting a person to walk in to the recovery program and to keep going is a life saver for sure.
In helping her get in to recovery and staying with it you will help her and your self.
Healing Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
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