I have reached the end of my tether with my husbands gambling. We have reached the critical stage of our marriage because of it. He has no desire to stop. I have given him the ultimatum of his gambling or me and the children and he says he will not be made to choose but he will never stop gambling. He has changed so much during the course of our 7.5year relationship. He has gambled for a long time, starting way before I became a part of his life. I didn't know straight away. He told me he had got himself into some trouble and caused some anguish for his family but was on track and wanted to make a fresh start to his life and that began with meeting me. I didn't know that gambling was what his issue was. My father was an alcoholic and died from his drink abuse when I was 27....a year before I met him. He knew about my dispair over my dads death and his addiction, alongside my inability to help him overcome his demons. My grief is still all consuming, even after bereavement counselling. Yet he kept his gambling addiction a secret until he got himself into trouble over it again and had to tell me. I have to admit that if I knew I would have thought very hard about getting involved with him and probably wouldn't have. It has been the white elephant in our relationship ever since. I resent his gambling. He physically lights up and is animated when discussing what it does for him, how it makes him feel and describes it as the only thing that keeps him going in life. He never describes me or our children in that way. He's only nice to me when he wants money. He is quite nasty and verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. When his bets go down, like ALL the time, it's my fault. If I don't give him more money he refuses to take me shopping or the kids to school, or threatens to make my life hell for the next "X" amount of days. If I do give him the money he wants and his bet goes down that's my fault aswell....I just can't win! He has been throwing things around the house, damaging walls, doors and breaking things. I have been scared when he's been like this. His verbal aggression is hard to take. It's now so bad it's making me ill. I vomit from anxiety, suffer insomnia, dry heave constantly, tummy pains and headaches almost daily.....I tell him this, beg him to stop treating me the way he does but he won't see it. I'm a typical woman making a mountain out of a molehill and I should just shut up. The police have been involved twice, once ending up in court bound over to keep the peace for 12 mths (this is now over). So, I'm now at the point where I'm questioning my ability to stay in this marriage any more. I'm not sure I love him enough to keep fighting. I feel stupid for marrying him knowing this was they way it was. Stupid me I always had hope that I would mean more to him one day, that it would be me he couldn't live without not his gambling. That hope has gone, replaced with fear, anxiety and complete despair.
(I have taken control of finances....everything is in my name, he has an "allowance" of sorts on a weekly basis but demands more, we are living on benefits and have a child who is autistic so I am classed as her carer....plus 2 other children aged 4&5 yrs old. We are not known to child services)
I know I'm not the only wife in the world dealing with this and some deal with worse. I am alone. I have no family to turn to and only a handful of friends. I'm not allowed to speak of his gambling as it is his private business so no one really has any idea what's been going on. He will not allow me to go to counselling either so will have to figure this out alone. Please tell me there will be a light go on somewhere coz it's dark right now and I can't see anyway out. I feel trapped and alone.
o*g, no wonder you are sad & lonely...I would imagine there are many other words to describe how you are feeling & if I were in your shoes, I would be absolutely terrified!
Please, if nothing else, ring the National Donestic Violence Helpline...0808 2000 247.
The way he is behaving is unacceptable not to mention illegal & you must do everything you can to protect you & your children!
I am so sorry to hear about your Dad, it has obviously hurt you immensely but it hasn't taken your strength! You have been coping with this alone for an incredibly long time! We can't stop him gambling, we can't stop your pain but we are a community of cyber support & you can come here anytime you want to scream & shout! It may be nothing more than a flicker of light but you're not alone here!
Whatever he may tell you, you didn't cause this, it's not your fault & you deserve so much more! Please, stay strong - ODAAT
Hi, S&L,
I'm really sorry to hear what's going on and the extent of his abuse to you. You're not alone, all f&f understand life with a CG and it's not a competition as to who's having the worst time.
The three Cs about living with abuse and addiction: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it. As you've realised, you're making yourself ill by trying and it's just futile.
Harsh but well intended words now: he's not going to magically stop. He doesn't need to, as long as you keep taking what he dishes out. Change can only come from you and you control you. You need to save yourself, there are no white knights.
So instead of directing all (or far too much) of your time and energy on him, move your focus over to you and your children.
What can you do? You can decide to take control back over your life and then do it. How? Start by getting all the accurate information and support that you possibly can, otherwise you'll stay overwhelmed. Read as much as you can of this forum, both sides. This will help you to recognise addict behaviour for what it is, instead of believing in what he says. Call the National Domestic Violence Helpline, you need to make sure that you're safe. Also call the GC helpline, GamAnon meetings are worth the travel time and babysitters, tell a few trusted friends or close family, get counselling with or without his approval.
Gambling thrives on secrecy, if you keep quiet, you're not being honest with yourself or helping yourself. If you tell, possibly you'll find that other family members (who double up as cash sources) already know and are keeping quiet to "protect" you and each other.
Take care of yourself and do what you need to do to make those changes.
CW
If he has no intention of stopping gambling & treats you like this then nothing is going to change. I'd urge you to leave & regain your life.
I fully agree with the 'secrecy' comments. Seems a common thread, and my son made my ex wife promise not to tell me for years, and it has pushed her to a near nervous breakdown. I only found out because he came to me for financial help, as he has bled her dry and run out of options. So if nothing else, involve some of you friends or family, you need support for yourself and your children. He's playing on your loyalty, and that's what CG's seem to do. I also concur with reading what goes on on here, and pick up the phone, or instant message the helpline. Sad to say, but fatueque has probably given you the best advice 🙁
Thankyou all so much for replying to my post. I'm at the worst possible stage I can be in with him and I know it's make or break time for us. I have again, today not more than a few hours ago, been at the receiving end of his vile tongue and taken a barrage of abuse and threats as to what his behaviour will be like if I don't give in to his demands for more money. I have stood my ground and refused and told him I don't need to put up with his verbal bullying and manipulative behaviour towards me and I won't. I've been locked in the toilet away from him in tears for half hour now.
I appreciate all the advice and will make sure I know where to go for help etc. I know it can only be me who makes that break and stops the view that's it's acceptable for him to continue treating me as he does. I'm scared. I have no family to run to and very few friends.
Can you phone the National Domestic Violence Hotline 0808 2000 247 ...They can help you without police involvement! It's more discreet & the call handlers much better placed to give you advice than a toilet!
I know it's easy for me to say pick up the phone but as you say it's you in this awful position so I just hope you can find the strength to reach out to them...You have to do something, if not for you, for your children! Keep being strong - ODAAT
Please telephone for help if you haven't already and let us know the outcome.
CW
Hi sad and lonely. What an awful situation for you and your children to be living in. Please find the courage to seek some advice on what help and support there is out there for you. You already know it's time to put you and your children first. Take care wcid x
Cynical wife wrote:
Please telephone for help if you haven't already and let us know the outcome.
CW
I can't call anyone as he is always around x
It's not their preferred method (& can take them up to 5 days to reply) but you can email them: [email protected]
Thanks ODAAT.....I will contact them X I worked with women's aid before....I survived a a very violent relationship in my late teens....how sad I seem to have not learned the lessons of my past x
Sadandlonely80 wrote:
Thanks ODAAT.....I will contact them X I worked with women's aid before....I survived a a very violent relationship in my late teens....how sad I seem to have not learned the lessons of my past x
ODAAT.....I have emailed them just....no time like the present right?! X
Awesome 🙂 Not my place to be but that's one of those posts where I just have to tell you...I'm proud of you!
I'm not sure it's you not learning the lessons of your past...There's a very fine line between security & control & us gamblers are expert manipulators so it's no surprise you fell for him!
This is not your fault!
Hi sad and lonley,
Thank you for reaching out and sharing. And welcome to the Forum.
There is a lot of help and support on the forum and in the chat rooms that we run. We can see you have received really good support and advice from some of your peers already.
If you want to get support from an Adviser by typing, you can do this by clicking on the following link. http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/netline#.VuHgUvmLS5t This service is open 8am-Midnight 7 days.
We also offer free one to one Online counselling. If you come through to the NetLine we can explain and explore your options more. You can also read about the Online counselling by clicking on the link below.
We are pleased to see that you have emailed Womens aid. We can also see in your first post that you have called the Police in the past, so it's good they are aware of your situation. If you feel unsafe, please contact them again.
Please also read around the Refuge website if you haven't already. http://www.refuge.org.uk/
Warm regards
Forum Admin
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