My boyfriend of 3 years is addicted to gambling. He knows he is but I think the problem is, he doesn't want to do anything about it.
I'm never happy when he gambles. He does it when I'm there and when I'm not. The worst is fruit machines. He works in a pub with a fruit machine. He watches it, and knows when it's ready to 'drop'. It's so frustrating because since we've been together he has been in the perfect position to save money because we are planning to go travelling at the end of the year. I just don't know where all of his money goes. He must be gambling more than I realise because he has no savings whatsoever.
We have had a few arguments in the past over it but nothing as major as what happened last week. We were staying in a hotel in the middle of nowhere. He'd spent £30 of the £70 he had in the bank on a fruit machine. He knew I wasn't happy so instead of talking about it he became really cold with me. When I tried to discuss it, the problem was that I had woken him up. I felt as though he was avoiding talking about the problem and trying to find something to be annoyed with me about instead.
I wouldn't drop the subject, which I probably should have done, and he walked out of the hotel room because I threatened to leave him. Probably not the best thing to do at the time but I was desperate. He was pushing me away and I couldn't fix it.
Now, things are very cold between us. I want to sort it out. The problem is his gambling but he thinks the problem is the way I dealt with the situation. Maybe it is. Maybe I could have dealt with the situation better. But now, what do I do? I want to save our relationship but the gambling is in the way.
I just want to know how to deal with it. I feel like I'm saying the wrong things to him all the time. Trying to fix things but really I make them worse. I don't want to pressure him into anything but I feel like every time I mention it he gambles even more...
Hi Loventra, welcome to the Forum,
He is gambling at a relatively low level, but if it has an affect on your relationship, as well as leaving himself with little or nothing, then he clearly has a problem.
He clearly thinks he has an edge on these machines, knowing when they are about to "drop", but he loses a great deal of money over time - there may be infrequent moments of gaining money, but it is not enough for him to maintain any kind of control - he can't win in the long term because he can't stop.
The majority of people who gamble can walk away, win or lose - it doesn't affect them like it does your partner. He needs to understand and appreciate that his actions are having a direct effect on you.
The best way you can deal with it is by putting all of your cards on the table, and by putting the ball in his court - step outside of the equation for a minute and try to speak to him calmly and openly as you would a friend; what does he think? Does he think he is spending too much money? Does he think he has a problem? Does he feel he is being fair towards you?
He doesn't want to do anything about it, but does he want a low quality of life as a consequence? I started on Fruit Machines aged 14; I ended up losing £350,000, two homes, two partners and everything I had, over and over again, for twenty years until I stopped over five years ago. At the moment, he isn't in hugely deep but there is the potential for him to be able to make things quite a lot worse, which neither of you want.
It is not that you are saying the wrong things my friend, it is just that you cannot find any common ground at the moment. You are justifiably annoyed, you are justfiably worried and you have every right to feel and act the way you do but try to get to the bottom of everything at the moment as a priority - sit down and talk it through, let him say what he needs to say and get as much detail as you can.
If he carries on, doesn't try to improve and doesn't think about getting help and advice, for your sake if nothing else, then you can be as angry and judgemental as you like, and then you really will have to question whether it will always be the same throughout the course of your relationship.
I hope that isn't the case my friend. He isn't in hugely deep as I said - I have been a part of this Forum for seven years and some of the stories are beyond belief. Maybe this will be the wake-up call he needs.
JamesP
Thank you for the great advice. After reading some of the posts on this forum I think it made me realise what his addiction could lead to.
I will take your advice and see where it goes. Thank you.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
