I dont know what to do

Morning,

Sorry to hear it but you're not alone. My husband is a CG and I didn't have a clue for many years, a testament to their dubious CG talents of lying, denying, blaming and manipulating and not to my naivety. And it hurts.

The three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. It's down to him to choose recovery if he wants it and to do what it takes. You can't fix everything for him and it's best not to try. Keep the focus on you and what you need.

For you, it's about getting the help and support to cope with the situation that you're in. The forum is a good start, read as much as you can, both sides and use the helpline. If you have educated yourself and you know what to expect, it's easier to recognise attempts at manipulation and to resist them. I find GamAnon very helpful, a group of people in the same situation. I wouldn't keep the secret, it's very isolating, tell friends or family who will support you.

Protect yourself financially, separate your assets from his, take legal advice. You can't trust what he says, so don't. Rely on statements and get the £2 credit reports from all three agencies in your name and his. He would have to cooperate, if he doesn't the starting point would be to assume that he has something to hide.

Any big decisions should only be made when you are ready and if you concentrate on getting the best information and support for you, you'll be well placed to do what's best for you when you're good and ready to do it. Your decisions are about you, what you expect from your relationship, whether you think he can meet it and what changes you need to make to your situation. He makes his own choices between gambling and recovery.

Take care,

CW

Thank you for replying,

Its nice to know am not alone with this,I cant stop thinking why, we have a good life, he has everything he wants or so i thought,its so hard to get my head around the lying. At the moment if am hinest its not the money or the gambling its the lying that is so painful to digest, i feel like i dont know him and will i ever know him. I have got in touch with gambling counseeling for those affected by someone elses gambling and am waiting for them to get back in touch. He is not in our home at the minute as i have asked him to stay awayfor a few days so i presume the test will be whats he doing or done to take actions to get help, if the answer is nothing it shows no commitment to stop. then i dont think i could stay.

How have you managed to live with your partner since, have you managed to take steps to forgive? i know i will never forget but if he gets help and is willing to change will i ever be able to not have this emense feeling of pain.

Katie

Hi,

I will approach this from the side of the gambler. As CW says we gamblers are masters at lying, denying, blaming and manipulating. When we are gambling none of these things matter. All that matters is the next punt.

What needs to be looked at now are the next steps for the gambler and how they can begin to move into recovery - that is if they really want to.

You dont mention what type of gambling but being exposed through work on a daily basis to betting / gambling must be difficult for you both.

He has £200 a month left. I could have had a field day with that. The day my gambling world crumbled around me i handed over all my cards to my wife as i cant be trusted. If i needed something i was given cash and i provided receipts to the penny. I have my card back but v seldom use it. Dont like spending anymore!!.

Was this harsh - possibly

Did it work - definately. No little fobt visits for me anymore!!.

I received 12 counselling sessions provided by Gamcare. It opened me up to the reasons why i gambled and why i had turned into the liar and cheat that i had become.

Consider attendance at GA. It is not my field of expertise but there are several on here who regularly attend and have been for several years.

If you have debts consider contacting Stepchange who can assist.

Lastly - the choice of whether you continue with your partner remains with you. If he chooses to move into recovery (and works at it daily) it can work out.

Does my wife love me - yes

Does she trust me with money - no and i can understand and accept that.

Best wishes

He has been gambling online whilst at work on his phone and also in other betting shops, betting on sports. He said the other day that he doesnt understand why he does it which felt like a huge cop out. I am a logical person who likes to be in control of situations and feel this has sweept me of my feet. He was left with £200 because i did not know he had a problem and believed that as he worked hard for his money he deserved to have some moneyto himself.

Luckily for me he has no access to either my money or our shared money, he has always been bad with money (now i see why more than ever) so all our financial stuff is solely in my name and he cant not and will never have access to any off this.

Our mortgage is solely in my name due to his poor credit history, which is why it has shocked me how he has been able to get credit in order to fund his addiction.

Like Half-Life said it is not good that he has been found out as opposed to telling me, so i feel like anything he does now is due to feeling like he has too and not that he wants too, in my opinion he needs to do everything at the minute for himself, and maybe i should take my own advice.

Katie

I am the parent of a gambler and your story is very similar as there was a partner involved. He knows he is doing wrong but at the moment does not sound strong enough to fight against the urges. I am afraid at this point he will try and get funds from whoever is willing to part with their money and I am afraid parents can be a soft touch and can be manipulated into parting with their money as well as the partners. Now that it is out in the open it is a good time for you and his parents to get together, with him if possible, and sort out a plan to get him into recovery i.e. insisting that his finances are completely taken over by you or the parents, setting up plans for self exclusion (which he just already know about in the job he is in but Gamcare can advise you), persuade him to let you access his phone and emails etc. At the same time stressing you are trying to offer support to enable him to start enjoying his life again. I know this is a big ask but if they are willing to let you do all this it really is a deterrent. If you talk to the counsellors on here they will give you more professional advice on the recovery process and financial side. All I can say is that we tried some of the above and at the moment it seems to be working. Once you start bailing him out you yourself could end up with a poor credit rating and risk losing your home so look after your property and finances first and foremost. You can only now get as much help from this site as possible or any organisations local to you and put a plan into action. If all that fails then you need to think very carefully about your future, and whether you pack his bags, but I really do hope he is agreeable to being helped as this gambling addiction is a horrible thing not only for the gambler but family and friends as well.

Good luck.

Hi,

My husband made a huge effort to overcome the addiction and as far as I know, he hasn't placed a bet in over a year. None of which means that we sailed off into the sunset - quite the opposite. It's really hard but much better than it was.

He is not to be trusted with money and he remains one bet away from disaster. I am still very angry about the damage. We both go to meetings, we have counselling, I have financial control, we have blocking software, high barriers to limit his access to money/ gambling tokens, spot checks on his emails. A fragile life of no financial trust but still capable of being good. The marriage counselling is helpful.

GamAnon emphasise to separate love and trust. I trust my doctor, colleagues, the staff at the bank without loving any of them. I can't trust my husband with money.

Hope this helps.

CW

I have reached out to Gamcare and have organised a counselling session for myself this thursday so hopefully i can get the ball rolling regarding maybe understanding the situation a little bit more of the why's. Its opened a can of worms as for my job as i am now witnessing the raw and different side of gambling i have never seen before.

I havent seen him since i found out about the whole situation on Sunday as i needed space to process and digest everything he has told me. I have met with his mum who has promised me that transparency with us is needed for the help to be given to my OH. She has said he has made contact with Gamcare himself without being pushed so it is showing signs of him wanting to get help, i just hope its for the right reasons not for show.

Have you found the counselling helps? i am worried that i know i will never be able to trust him with money, but that if i question him constantly about it, this will never allow us to have a future

Thank you for all your responses

Katie

Katie

It is a good idea to put space between you. He will be able to think more clearly and so will you and you can do with a rest from the stress of it all. He is moving in the right direction by coming on here and hopefully will talk to the counsellors on here - it is always worth talking to them to get to know more about the problem and the same for you to talk to them. Glad you and the mum are dealing with this together. Only time will tell as to how much you can trust him but it is a case of keeping a close eye on their spending and that is what we are all find quite wearing and nervewracking, and will be doing it for some time to come. But I keep hoping the day comes when that will be able to stop. Take care of your own life and finances and only you can decide if you have a happy future together.

Hi everyone..

If you had told me two days ago I would be posting on this site I would have laughed out loud. My world has been totally shattered by a phone call from my sons best friend telling me that He was totally out of control, had gambled all his money away and was at rock bottom.. I don't know who he is any more and this has left me desperate. My husband and I have not eaten or slept in two days. I came straight to the Internet and found this site.. My son is refusing support although he is distraught with worry and grief about what he has done. I fear we are at the start of a very long road and I fear for the future. Sorry to be so down but I feel utterly lost

Do the £2 reports tell you everything he would have in debt/credit and anything that has been taken out in the month previously(hope this makes sense).

I spoke to my OH yesturday and he finally admitted to me that he realised he never thought it was a problem and his first intention was to "fix it" for me,but he's been talking to gamcare about the whole thing and has now said he needs to do it for both of us,I am still wary as to what to believe but he was an appointment to go and see a counsellor on Tuesday,he has been honest with me about emotions that he has never mentioned before but he said he couldn't due to the lies. Hopefully the counselling will help,he is willing to do all the practical barriers in order to stop,but for me it's the mental reasoning behind it I think is more important.

Bambino-please don't jump in to sorting financial situations,it's the first thing I wanted to do on Sunday when I found out but having a few days to process things I realise the debt needs to come after the emotion,I maybe wrong but for me that's how I feel. Maybe get him to chat online to gamcare it may help he realise the extent of the problem.

Take care

Katie

Hi Katie12345, your story sounds very similar to mine. I hope you are okay - I know how hurt you are feeling. I have been with my fiance now for 2 years and only knew at the start of our relationship that he had a gambling issue from his ex partner. When I discussed it with my fiance at the time, he assured me that it was completely in the past and no longer bets or has urges to do so. He told me that he had about £5k left to pay off the debt that he had built up over the years when he had the Gambling problem. I believed this to be the truth.

About 1 year went by and we hadnt long moved into our new home (joint mortgage). I came across his loan agreement on his ipad and it stated there was £15K balance to pay. I cannot express how I felt at the time. I questioned him about it and he said that he had sugar coated the amount that he owed and that he didnt want to worry me but he assured me that it certainly wasnt high because he had been gamlbing. we had a very long talk and I trusted him - to a degree.

Then out of the blue last week, I came across the loan again in his internet history which said 'loan allocation'. there was more than £6K transferred onto the loan. The total stated just short of £20K.

I immediately spoke to him about it and he started with lies first but then the following day after I asked again for the truth, he let it all out and said he had been gambling for the last 6 months since the death of his bestfriend and admitted that he has got an addiction and he is desperate for help to get himself better.

He has already attended GA meeting and has had huge support from fellow peope in the same boat. He has barred himself from all the betting sites that he has been using. We are trying to apply blocking software but this is proving very difficult on certain devises.

The main thing is he has recognised the problem is there and wants to get better.

What hurts me more than anything is the deceipt. I feel angry about that. i am starting to accept that this is greater than him as it is an illness and i know if he could stop he would stop - this is why hes getting professional help.

We have argued massively about it all - at the same time im trying to show support. I have a 5 year old daughter and I need to make sure she will not be affected by any of this. the moment she does, it will be a different scenario for us.

We spoke last night together. I just wanted to say that I suported him and that I did not want to end our relationship. I did make it clear though that boundaries had to be implemented to ensure all the help that is out there is being used to beat this addiction.

He is applying for a cash card and we will cut up his debit card. I have asked him to ask the bank to put a daily limit of £50 on this. He is also asking the banks to take him off the credit card mailing lists for temptation to apply. We never really have this sort of mail but he managed to get one on line. He has unticked/ unsubscribed emails. The more we can do the better chance he has. The one thing he has refused to do is let me have access to his bank account. He flipped out and said that he will not be mothered and treated like a child and that he has to retain some control. I told him that i dont trust him at all and that it will take a long time for trust to be re-built and this will reassure me that he and I are safe financially. Am I asking too much for access??

Thanks for the advice, I need so much help if I am going to get my son through this. I am sorry but I don't understand this £2 report scheme you talk of. Can I access this information or does my son have to set it up?

My son is in denial and thinks he can sort this out himself. How? With another loan of course. He is resistant to us taking over his finances saying he can cope and while his Dad wants to believe him I can't not after reading all the stories on here. He is distraught at what he has done but not yet ready to accept he has lost control. I dread every day. His girlfriend his an angel but she won,t take much more.

Bambino

Can relate to you - same situation - feeling for you. You need a united front with you, father and girlfriend. Make it clear to him that if he keeps taking out loans neither she nor you two will bail him out. Make it clear that if he carries on with the loans he is heading for financial misery because the more they roll over the less likely he will be able to pay them back and there will be no support from you until he tries to sort the problem and get help - i.e keep insisting you take over his finances - because that really does help. Tough love I am afraid but try and stick to doing it. While you are having a quiet time with him try to get him to have a look at this site and the posts first. Then when he has done that he may come around to the dea of recovery himself. If you speak to the counsellors on here they will give you more professional advice and help you with ideas of how to approach things. Get as much info as possible so you can put it in front of him and it will help you understand a bit better. Don't let your other half underestimate this problem - get him to look at this site as well. If he still refuses all this stay on here and keep talking to people on here and the counsellors. Good u*k.

gam.