I need help, how do I help him?

I am a girlfriend of a gambling addict.

I feel so alone. I feel like I have no one to talk to at all. I have so many feelings and no one to share them with. I’m not used to this, I would talk to mum and family about any and everything that would upset or concern me, now I can’t do that because we live with my mum, my family knows of his addiction as he told them and has been getting help. I also can’t talk to them because we have a few issues going on within the family at the moment and I don’t want to worry them further. I don’t want them to hate or judge him. I want to be able to talk to him about my feelings but I can’t, I can’t because he’s struggling so much with his addiction and his latest relapse (which happened last night, bare in mind I’m in England and he’s in another country at a casino) and needs someone to be there for him… also the fact that I partly feel so bloody upset about his actions from his addiction.

I feel awful, I feel lost, I feel scared and I feel so alone. He has done it again, gambled all his money away. Okay, I guess this time is different, he made money on poker (he thinks that he can play poker recreationally and make money. He can, he’s good, he makes money.. he’s just not great at keeping it, ends up spending it on other things like roulette and slots, they are his biggest demons. His 2 best friends are profession poker players) , spent it wisely, paid some debts and has treated me, but the principle is, he’s just gambled £10k away… on roulette?… in 20mins? He can do so well when he puts his mind to it. He is more than capable of playing poker and winning.. but his addiction, my god! Nothing is ever good enough for him! He won more than double the amount that he dreamed of having for a bank roll, and still wasn’t satisfied, still saw nothing but negatives, no positives and up until that point he was doing so bloody well in keeping his addiction under control! I told him to come home, that he has done more than good enough, won more than enough and has proved to himself and everyone that he is finally starting to get some control over this bloody awful disease. He should have come home… he has his dream, he had his bank roll and he could have come home with money like he always wanted. He was responsible and he was thoughtful, caring, considerate which he’s never been before and I was so unbelievably proud of everything he had achieved and so proud of him! He had everything… then he chose to lose everything.

I try my absolute hardest to understand, sympathise and empathise, but that’s hard sometimes. Especially with winnings of £10k! That’s insane amounts of money! He won that in a few days when ordinary people work themselves to the bone to save that kind of money in months, perhaps years! And just because he wasn’t happy with his progress (because my god was he making so much progress) he wasn’t happy with the amount he had and wasn’t happy with himself, that he felt he could do better, should do better.. he gambled the bloody lot away! When he said he was reluctant to spend money on himself on things he needs and on things that in theory, should make him happy.

So many endless possibilities with that kind of money! He could have got his teeth done(he needs a lot of dental work), he could have brought himself a whole new wardrobe, brought some shoes, savings for back up, we could have had a nice holiday and dates like I keep begging him for, he could have brought me an engagement ring and put money down for a wedding(like he keeps talking about). There were endless possibilities for that money.

He pushed himself way too hard, too soon. He is so stubborn, his addiction makes him think that he’s okay, he’s under control, finds ways to persuade him to pursue his addictions, of course I struggle to understand how that works, because when we talk, he tells me the feelings that he has, makes me think that his thoughts and feelings are past tense, I struggle to see that they’re still real and very much still there. He doesn’t listen, he has a tendency to act like a child when confronted, he gets defensive and emotionally aggressive. He scares me when he’s like that, I don’t like that side of him, it’s like he’s possessed and I think he struggles to see that. He was making so much progress with therapy, I don’t think he realises how much, but he really was. I saw a change in him, he changed so much and all for the better. He’s made so many changes for me, I love him dearly… but I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this addiction, it’s taken a physical and mental toll on me which he doesn’t see or understand. I struggled for so long, working all god given hours to make ends meet when he was at his worst, I so scared that’ll happen again. I don’t know what I expected, I thought he would continue on this good healthy path and get better. I’m here for him, I want to help him in every possible way that I can, but who’s going to be here for me? Who do I have support from? Or am I just being extremely selfish which characteristically, very unlike me so the thought that I’m being selfish, is painful.

Anyway, does anyone have any advice on how I can support him? And how he can be happy with life without gambling?