I am a girlfriend of a gambling addict.
I feel so alone. I feel like I have no one to talk to at all. I have so many feelings and no one to share them with. I’m not used to this, I would talk to mum and family about any and everything that would upset or concern me, now I can’t do that because we live with my mum, my family knows of his addiction as he told them and has been getting help. I also can’t talk to them because we have a few issues going on within the family at the moment and I don’t want to worry them further. I don’t want them to hate or judge him. I want to be able to talk to him about my feelings but I can’t, I can’t because he’s struggling so much with his addiction and his latest relapse (which happened last night, bare in mind I’m in England and he’s in another country at a casino) and needs someone to be there for him… also the fact that I partly feel so bloody upset about his actions from his addiction.
I feel awful, I feel lost, I feel scared and I feel so alone. He has done it again, gambled all his money away. Okay, I guess this time is different, he made money on poker (he thinks that he can play poker recreationally and make money. He can, he’s good, he makes money.. he’s just not great at keeping it, ends up spending it on other things like roulette and slots, they are his biggest demons. His 2 best friends are profession poker players) , spent it wisely, paid some debts and has treated me, but the principle is, he’s just gambled £10k away… on roulette?… in 20mins? He can do so well when he puts his mind to it. He is more than capable of playing poker and winning.. but his addiction, my god! Nothing is ever good enough for him! He won more than double the amount that he dreamed of having for a bank roll, and still wasn’t satisfied, still saw nothing but negatives, no positives and up until that point he was doing so bloody well in keeping his addiction under control! I told him to come home, that he has done more than good enough, won more than enough and has proved to himself and everyone that he is finally starting to get some control over this bloody awful disease. He should have come home… he has his dream, he had his bank roll and he could have come home with money like he always wanted. He was responsible and he was thoughtful, caring, considerate which he’s never been before and I was so unbelievably proud of everything he had achieved and so proud of him! He had everything… then he chose to lose everything.
I try my absolute hardest to understand, sympathise and empathise, but that’s hard sometimes. Especially with winnings of £10k! That’s insane amounts of money! He won that in a few days when ordinary people work themselves to the bone to save that kind of money in months, perhaps years! And just because he wasn’t happy with his progress (because my god was he making so much progress) he wasn’t happy with the amount he had and wasn’t happy with himself, that he felt he could do better, should do better.. he gambled the bloody lot away! When he said he was reluctant to spend money on himself on things he needs and on things that in theory, should make him happy.
So many endless possibilities with that kind of money! He could have got his teeth done(he needs a lot of dental work), he could have brought himself a whole new wardrobe, brought some shoes, savings for back up, we could have had a nice holiday and dates like I keep begging him for, he could have brought me an engagement ring and put money down for a wedding(like he keeps talking about). There were endless possibilities for that money.
He pushed himself way too hard, too soon. He is so stubborn, his addiction makes him think that he’s okay, he’s under control, finds ways to persuade him to pursue his addictions, of course I struggle to understand how that works, because when we talk, he tells me the feelings that he has, makes me think that his thoughts and feelings are past tense, I struggle to see that they’re still real and very much still there. He doesn’t listen, he has a tendency to act like a child when confronted, he gets defensive and emotionally aggressive. He scares me when he’s like that, I don’t like that side of him, it’s like he’s possessed and I think he struggles to see that. He was making so much progress with therapy, I don’t think he realises how much, but he really was. I saw a change in him, he changed so much and all for the better. He’s made so many changes for me, I love him dearly… but I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this addiction, it’s taken a physical and mental toll on me which he doesn’t see or understand. I struggled for so long, working all god given hours to make ends meet when he was at his worst, I so scared that’ll happen again. I don’t know what I expected, I thought he would continue on this good healthy path and get better. I’m here for him, I want to help him in every possible way that I can, but who’s going to be here for me? Who do I have support from? Or am I just being extremely selfish which characteristically, very unlike me so the thought that I’m being selfish, is painful.
Anyway, does anyone have any advice on how I can support him? And how he can be happy with life without gambling?
Dear anonnnn,
Thank you for your post. We are sorry to read that you are struggling. Please don’t be alone with this. At Gamcare we offer support to family and friends and we can talk about the best way of helping you and your partner.
Our HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 and our 1:1 livechat https://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/talk-to-us-now/Livechat are both open 24 hours every day.
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Juan.
Forum Admin.
You tell him to quit all types of gambling otherwise you and he are through! Sorry that’s the short and tough answer to your original question.
he’s a gambler! And a compulsive one if he can lose 10k on roulette in 20 minutes. Many of us are like that in this forum. The only way to stop all this boom and bust is to completely quit all forms of gambling, and it is boom and bust even if he thinks he’s good at poker….there’s still bad beats in poker and bad luck so you’ll generally lose . I won poker tournaments online and in Vegas, not major ones
You always give it back as dream of turning your £10k into £200k on the higher odds games. It doesn’t happen!!!
When you lose a big amount of your winnings, things get worse, you end up chasing your winnings, which turns into chasing your losses, then before you know it, you’re £1,000s in debt as you have a fake belief you’ve got a system and you can win it all back, you won’t! And you hurt the ones you love the most, but he won’t realise that, he’s in a bubble where he’s trying to make things right….he never will with gambling.
He needs proper counseling, a complete device and bookie ban on gambling and never to walk into a casino again. Sorry to be harsh but it sounds like you love him dearly and he needs to work with you to get a home, get married and start enjoying life.
Hi
Sory to hear your partner is consumed by unhealthy addiction.
Try to encourage him to go to meetings.
I was petrified to go to meetings yet eventually I did it.
Being honest I did not to meetings for my self frist of all.
Being honest I did not get tos top gambling from day one.
Yet it was important for me to go to meeting to learn how to abstain from some very unhealthy habits.
Once I was able to abstain from some very unhealthy habits only then could I start healing from the pains of my past.
The pains of my past caused me to live in fears I did not understand.
Money was the fuel for my addiction so once I handed over my finances made it easier for me to abstain.
I told lies because I feared being honest.
I told lies because I lived in so many fears.
By me going to gambling I just caused my self and others more pains and fears.
Now just for today I will not gamble.
I understand that when I gamble I simply make thinsg much worse.
In time I found the meetings to be nurturing and encoraging towards me living amuch healthier life with gambling and other unhealthy habits.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
I am so sorry to hear about your own health concerns whilst/and you are going through this. I am in a similar situation, I have been with my husband over 15 years, married 10 & he’s been battling his addiction throughout, it’s had times where it’s been worse than others over the years but it’s always been there. He went to a residential rehab in 2014 yet continued to have his worst spells following this. He’s been to meetings & sought help in other ways too - mostly to convince me he’s trying to deal with his addiction ?
In 2020 I became unwell & was diagnosed in 2021 with multiple sclerosis. He did stop gambling in 2020 & went 3 years. Which I know is amazing & May of been due to my health problems. However, I had told him if he gambled again after my diagnosis then that would be it for us. (I’ve said this so many times before but he always comes home eventually)
I know I need to put my health first. While I’m trying to help him, I’m destroying my own health but my heart hurts so bad. He too had little empathy or understanding about my struggles and diagnosis. He’s even had little emotion or fight since I told him we’re separating. I too hoped it would kick him into getting sorted/fighting for us & our marriage. ?
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