Hi there, I'm new to this forum. My partner is a CG, I've been living with it for around 4 years. We have a really good relationship, apart from the gambling. I didn't know he was a gambler until after he moved in with me 4 years ago. Since then, he's taken out numerous pay day loans, credit cards and borrowed money from others. I stupidly took a loan out to clear the debt when I first found out about the gambling, but he has continued to gamble, although mostly he helps to pay the loan. He says he wants to change and hates how it affects him. But it doesn't stop him. He has went to GA but doesn't find it useful - he says it depresses him listening to others who are worse than him. He says that gambling makes him feel suicidal. Over the past few years, I've tried to help. He ensured his wages were paid into my account to stop him from having easy access to money and slowly we worked toward him handling his own money again. He now has his wages paid into his account and yesterday he gambled the whole lot and his left me paying all of the bills this month and we have very little left over. He has also announced he has other debts to pay off. I'm sick with worry and don't know what to do any more. I want to help him, but I'm worried that this will still be happening when we're older. We both have good jobs and we should be comfortable, enjoying holidays and planning for the future, but I seem to spend most of my time worrying when the next gambling bout is approaching and how we're going to pay off debts. Is it selfish to say I'm angry that he's feeling suicidal, because sometimes I feel exactly the same? How can I help him?
Hello FLUTTERBY35,
Welcome to the Forum,
Your partner has clearly a gambling addiction and he needs professional help and support. It sounds like you have taken it upon you to solve every problem he creates and it is not fair on you. Also, he has not been honest throughout and that is threatening your relationship and you are right, this could be happening when you are older, unless he takes full responsibility and deals with his problem now. You can encourage him to get in touch with GamCare but you also need to set some boundaries in place in order to protect yourself, financially and emotionally because as long as he is gambling, things can only get worse.
I am just trying to alert you to the seriousness of the situation but there is a lot of support for both of you and you can develop a strategy that would prevent things from deteriorating.
GamCare offers practical advice and emotional support and can refer you to face-to-face counselling. We're open from 8am until midnight, 7 days a week. You're welcome to contact the GamCare advisers on our freephone 0808 8020 133. Alternatively, you can use the Netline:
http://secure.gamcare.org.uk/netline
Wishing you all the best,
Ana
Hi Ana,
thanks for your message, it's made me feel better knowing there's support out there. This is the first time I've sought support for myself too, so I'll check this website out fully. I'm getting to the stage where I think I need to talk to someone, otherwise I'm going to go mad. I think my partner would benefit from some face to face counselling to talk about his issues. He has promised to look into this on numerous occasions, but has never done anything about it. Thanks again.
Hi flutterby
Having read your post the most important thing I wanted to say is that you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves
My husband said all the right things to the right people - said he didn't lime gambling that he wanted to quit agreed to councilling made me buy him a book for self help etcso I stood by him and offered support.
It was all words. The first opportunity he could find to gamble and run up debts he took it.
If your partner truly wants help then he will do whatever it takes like it or not
Ga meetings maybe depressing for him as it's facing reality
Get help and support for yourself you are just as important if not more so xxx
Hi Shellyb
thanks for your response. I agree that he should want to help himself. I've turned a blind eye to this for too long and hoped it would all go away, but I'm clear that things need to change and he needs to take action now. I won't be turning a blind eye to it any longer. If I don't see effort and commitment from him then I can't see a future for us.
I hope your circumstances improve. I'm sorry that I can't offer any words of advice or wisdom. I'm not sure how to handle this all myself and whether I'm doing the right thing.
Take care
Hiya
I don't think any of us know whether we are doing the right thing or not no matter which way we decide to handle what's dealt to us
All I know is in my case I stood by him each time, gave him chance after chance. He didn't sort himself out and it was a battle for me everyday. I would be there to aid a recovery he never took seriously enough so eventually cos he couldn't/wouldn't make the change I had to.
I feel bitter towards him that he had me fooled and I'll never get all those years back.
I would never change having my wonderful children but If I could have seen into the future I would have left when they were babies. Each and every time I believed in my husband. He just never believed in himself me and our children. It's a bitter pill to swallow but I can't change the past but I can sure as he'll learn from it
Shel
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