I came home from work yesterday to find a note from my boyfriend of 8 years admitting to me that over the past six months he has racked up a debt of £20k through gambling. What a shock! My immediate reaction was sadness that he hadn't told me rather than anger. He struggles to talk about his feelings and had written an a4 letter explaining why he had done this and how ashamed he felt, also that he knew it wasn't fair on me and that he would do whatever it takes to make this better. About six months ago he had a debt of about £3 k just from previous spending and he said he wanted to try get rid of this and make some money so he could give me what I wanted (I'm desperate to get married but for the commitment rather than the big wedding).
Although I know it's not my fault and he also says it's not, I feel bad as I earn more money than him and am always talking about the future; weddings, holidays, bigger house etc. I am very good with money and like to save.
So... He had already worked out a spreadsheet on how he can repay his debt (3 cards and a loan) through using most of his monthly wage. I have savings which could pay off circa half but I am not going to use these and he does not want me to. It will mean that we do not have money to do the usual holidays and that our wedding which we had hoped would be next year may not happen for years. He feels like he's let me down completely by getting into this debt.
I'm not really sure how I feel now, I am immensely relieved that he has told me and have a concern for him rather than the money (although I do feel sick when I think about the irony, he was gambling to get more for us but there's now so much we will have to not have/wait longer for because of this debt).
My main concern is that I don't want to be a mug. He has done this before when he was younger but not to the same scale. But he doesn't gamble regularly. He says he has learnt his lesson and that he knows how stupid he has been. He has agreed to move his wages and outgoings into the joint account and has told me I can have complete control of all the finances. Throughout this time he has still paid his half of the mortgage and not used any of our joint money. But has still maxed out two cards and got a £7k loan! I'm still struggling to comprehend why he would have thought it ok to do this but as he says you don't think straight and just try to get out if the debt but never win on the whole.
Can I believe him when he says it will never happen again? He says because he won't want to do it again and because he won't be able to if I have all the money. But I don't want to find myself in a situation where this happens again in a few years.
There's no one I can talk to about this, his and my family would be so shocked and worried I can't share it, and I don't want to tell friends as I know that they would think he's let me down. I love him so much and the overwhelming feeling I've had since he told me is that I love him and the debt is secondary to this. One of the reasons he kept it to himself is that he thought I might leave him. I kept joking to him that I won't wait for ever to get married now I can't believe I was saying this while this was going on in secret.
Any advice appreciated.
Hi Girlfriend, welcome to the Forum and well done for sharing your story here,
It is very, very encouraging that he has not only admitted to you what he has done, but worked out his finances and offered to hand full and final control over to you.
I gambled for twenty years and have now stopped for over five, plus I have been a Forum member for seven years - I can tell you that this is pretty rare and that his attitude is inspiring; if you read some of the posts here from other partners, you will mostly find stories about them finding out for themselves, and partners who don't want to talk about finances, or getting help, or moving forward. I was the same, I retreated into myself rather than tackling the problem at hand - I wish I had as much resolve, honesty and humility as your partner does.
What he needs to do is build on this so you can move forward with peace of mind, and a joint resolve to tackle this head-on. He needs to give you absolute honesty from now on, without exception - you can't have another situation where he comes to you again, having run up another amount of debt without you knowing. Ask him to contact you, each and every time, if he begins to feel weak or tempted - explain that you would rather know the very worst of how he is feeling rather than him going behind your back.
Also, try and get him to open up about why and how he is driven towards compulsive gambling - is it boredom? The thrill of the chase? The thought of extra money? Depression? Underlying issues that you are not aware of? Ask him whether he thinks he needs help - he clearly does, but it is best that it comes from him.
If he says it will never happen again, then he has a responsibility to prove it my friend - there can be no more cover-ups, no more deceit; if he calls you, each and every time, then you have nothing to worry about - please let me explain why this is so very important; compulsive gamblers have an element of control before they they start, no matter how strong the urge - once they do, you hurtle into oblivion where you cannot process the consequences of your own actions and stopping is virtually impossible until most or all of the avaliable money has run out. If he can tackle that initial moment head-on, then he has every chance of stopping before he does something that he will regret with every fibre of his being.
Your partner is clearly a kind, decent and intelligent man - it may sound strange but I am proud of him for doing what he did and the action he has taken; he is not a hero, he could have spoken to you earlier, but he has done the right thing and done it the right way.
JamesP
Thank you very much for the reply.
He's told me the reason he did it was to try and get rid of his smaller debt which was from general spending not gambling. I probably have unknowingly put some pressure on him to get out of debt and save, and he said he wanted us to get married when he was in a financially sound situation and he thought he could get rid of his debt through gambling. He thought it would be a quick fix worth a go.
However as we all know this does not work and he has ended up here. I'm encouraged by what you've said about the fact he is facing up to it and I hope so much this is a one off but I will be worried about it happening again.
He admitted he has been in denial about what's going on. He spends a lot of time on the computer upstairs as he is studying long distance for his degree and I think we will need to look at how he can do this differently as I will only worry if he's on the computer all the time.
I hope this will bring us closer and allow us to talk more, he really struggles to open up f2f but he really opened up in his letter which has helped me to understand why he did it. I think an underlying issue is that I earn more money than him and he wants to be able to give me everything I want, but as I've told him I don't care and that he needs to talk to me about this rather than bottle it up.
I think he will be reluctant to 'get help' as he thinks it will never happen again and I'm not even sure what help there is available.
You're very welcome Girlfriend, no problem at all,
The problem is that winning money to cover debt will only make things far worse - winning money makes you experience a level of euphoria that you will want to repeat, sometimes within hours, sometimes within minutes; not only that but smaller stakes won't give him the euphoria he craves anymore, so he will be gambling at a much higher level - this is why he spiralled out of control when he was trying to tackle this debt. The money becomes irrelevant after a while - imagine if you won £500 from a £1 scratchcard; imagine how it would make you feel, imagine the joy it would bring you - your partner, as well as myself and everyone here, wants to experience that every hour of every day.
You won't have to worry if he promises to tell you, each and every time he is tempted to gamble - if you can explain that, and say how incredibly important that is to you, then you shouldn't have a problem. If he breaks that promise, then he cannot deny he has a very serious problem that must be addressed immediately.
If he wants help, then it has to come from him - there is only so much you can do to persuade him. He has to judge for himself as to how he thinks he will be able to cope moving forward - he may well believe that this is truly the end, but there will be days in the coming weeks and months where his resolve will be much lower, and then he will have to judge how well he is coping with these urges.
There is a great deal of help avaliable. You can install gambling software on his PC/Laptop like Gamblock, K9 or Betfilter - again, if he is a man of his word, then he should have no problem with this and it will be another way of giving you heightened peace of mind. There is this website, there is the GAMCARE helplines, and then there are local GA meetings.
If this is the end, then he should have no problem proving it to you, and to himself. Someone who has spent £20,000 on gambling is very likely to face certain emotional and mental hurdles going forward, some of which may not be obvious to him, which is why it is important to keep an open mind about the options open to him.
JamesP
As my family say they trust me but they don't trust the addiction within me
there is hope though
many people do manage to stop gambling but those who do have to put effort into their recovery
keep getting support yourself its not easy facing this on your own
I agree with JamesP on this, Girlfriend. He actually sounds like a decent guy who made a mistake and is trying his hardest to make amends.
You say in your post that you're the higher earner and are desperate to get married. Perhaps he was feeling emasculated by your higher wage (some men do, not to excuse his gambling but it's still a fact) and the pressure of working to a marriage deadline?
For what it's worth, my gut instinct, on the information you've provided is that he's one of the good guys and you should believe him when he says he's trying to change.
Hope it all works out for you both.
Molehole x
Dear G
they're all decent guys, loveable charming vulnerable..they all have someone like you who loves them and puts up with their addition. Addicts feed off people like us. But make no mistake. They are addicts. The title of this part of this forum is very misleading. The brutal truth is that nobody can help an addict except themselves, least of all the people closest to them. You will get men, maybe that rare breed, the ex gambler, telling you to support him, you'll get a few lucky women whose husbands are making the effort tellling you the same, but research and bitter experience shows that most gamblers don't stop. They continue lying and deceiving even if they stop for a time, they relapse unless they are self motivated enough to tackle it themselves. Open your eyes, trust your instincts, read the literature. As for him feeling emasculated by you... he's already emasculated by his addiction. I feel so very sorry for you. I've been there and I left. I didn't take the decision lightly, I loved him. But it's not my problem anymore..I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.
I can't express how relieved I feel and my life is opening out now after years of being in a kind of prison.
He's still gambling apparently, he must now be in deep debt and the last time I saw him he looked terrible, I felt pity for him then remembered what he put me through and the choices he made, and I was happy that I'm now free of all that worry and stress and emotional abuse. Love from Jo xx
I get the feeling that you don't want to think about the possibility that he may have a problem, Girlfriend. I understand that - I didn't want to either; I let things trundle on and wanted to sweep it all under the carpet. This doesn't help him - you have to face these things head-on. JamesP helped my husband, and it saved our marriage; it took a long time for me to trust him but JamesP made him think differently. I would treat the advice he has given you like gold dust - he is arguably the most experienced, kind and insightful person on this website.
any update girlfriend?
anything changed?
Just wanted to send you my love and support Girlfriend - you have had some great advice here, I hope you are taking it honey. Please drop us another line, however brief; people care a great deal, even though you are someone we have never actually met in person. Laura J xxxxx
Hi all, not much changed over the past 3 weeks since he told me, no more gambling to my knowledge, and that's with sight of all his finances etc. I'm accepting that I will never be able to trust him with money but still have a feeling if dread everytime I remember what has happened.
He is adamant he will not do anything again as he won't have the opportunity to nor does he want to but I'm obviously concerned that he could find himself in a situation where he can't help himself.
So we shall just have to wait and see...thanks all for your advice and words of support.
Good Luck. i am still trying to decide what to do with regards to my realtionship as I had no knowledge of my husbands gambling until he had lost all he had and we had a small baby. To my knowledge he hasn't gambled again since but I struggle with the lies and deceit still. The ball is in my court about our future, I know I will never tie myself to him financially again, a 20 year history of debt has warned me off, but we have a child so we will always have a link whatever. I have days when I think it's all good for our future and days when I panic. It's a tough time, but he is much more the man he was when I met him now. I hope your man stops his gambling for good. It is an evil industry and I think the government are just disgraceful to allow it to continue but that's life i guess. You sound like you are doing well so soon into his recovery. 9 months in and I still struggle
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