my partner began betting a year ago, racking up thousands in debt. He managed to hide it from me for around 4 months, and when he did tell me I asked him to tell his parents so that we could all support him.
They paid off all of his debt and nothing more was said. Eventually I gained his trust again, but roughly a month ago I stumbled across his email account and found emails showing that he was betting again. When I confronted him, he made excuses and told me that it was awful that I didn't trust him and that he was doing nothing wrong.
I believed him, but today I logged onto a betting account that I have found on his emails and he has placed at least 10 bets today alone. He has also recently changed his phone password to stop me from 'snooping and getting the wrong idea about things'.
I'm feeling guilty for what I have done and going through his things but I'm also convinced he is gambling again. I don't know what to do and I feel lost.
I'd suggest you have a read of Cynical Wife's and Half-Life's posts. Both of them offer some good suggestions that might better protect yourself against gambling addiction.
You're not alone in this. Just wanted to reply back to you asap. Tri
Hi,
Sorry to hear it, it's a horrific situation to be in. I know, I've been there.
The three Cs: you didn't Cause his gambling, you can't Control his gambling and you can't Cure his gambling. So the best advice is to focus on you. You have found that your OH is a gambler, he's trying to blame you (they all do that) and your priority should be to get the help and support that you need to cope with the nightmare situation that he has put you in. There's a lot of useful info on this forum, I'd recommend reading both sides, and the helpline is open 8 to midnight, worth a call. Also if you can find a GamAnon meeting near you, it's worth the effort to go and to meet RL people in the same position.
My husband is a CG and I could have written the same post as you five years ago, when I accidentally opened his Visa statement. He denied it and angrily blamed me for invading his privacy. I backed off, I was too scared to confront him, too scared to face the reality of what I had discovered, I walked on eggshells to appease him, put my head back in the sand. And his anger and his twisting things round achieved his aim: his spread betting continued unabated for a few more years. I didn't cause his gambling but I tolerated the intolerable because of my fear and ignorance and no good came of it. Not a path I'd recommend, it would be so much better for you to get help and support for you to make the best decisions for you.
I note that you talked about him trusting you again and I recognise this perverted logic. Gamblers are master manipulators and you sound as if you have fallen for the same line as I did. The reality of your situation is that unfortunately you can't trust him not to sneak around dissipating family money behind your back and then lying to you about it. His "trusting" you not to snoop is immaterial, the norm is honesty in a relationship and he's not being honest. And if he's not being honest and causing financial havoc, then of course you end up snooping.
Protect yourself financially as best you can. Don't take on any debt that you're not willing to pay in full, protect your passwords and cards, don't leave temptation lying about. And don't pay for everything whilst he gambles, I've done that one.
Take care of you, don't get dragged into trying to fix him.
CW
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