Hi everyone I'm new here, so sorry, this might be a long one.
I feel sick writing this. A couple of months ago, my husband admitted that his gambling had got out of control. I had known something was wrong but couldn't put my finger on it, so confronted him. He initially denied everything then came back a couple of days later and admitted that he had run up serious debts on credit cards, mainly gambling on the horses. This is not the first time that he has got himself into a mess with gambling. A year ago he did the same, promised me that he had stopped and we took out a loan to cover the credit cards. However, behind my back, he carried on and ran up another huge debt. There was also an incident several years ago where he ran up debts and he promised me he had stopped.
This time, he has gone to his parents and admitted he has a problem. They were devastated and agreed to lend him the money to pay off the credit cards as they were so upset at the thought of mine and the children's (3 & 5 years old) lives being affected by this mess. He'll then pay them back over the next few years.
He's now going to GA twice a week, at the request of his parents. I have also asked that he gets counselling via Gamcare but he's still waiting for his first appointment. I've found out that there's a local organisation that might be able to offer counselling so I've asked him to follow up on that as well. He's 60 days clear now and says he doesn't want to gamble ever again. For him, he says it was never the buzz/compulsion, more that he saw gambling as an easy way to get money. But he was always chasing losses. I've now got access to all of his credit cards, and just seeing the sums of money that were going out, is ridiculous. It makes no sense.
I suppose the problem is me now. I just can't get over it, I am so broken. I am just trying to survive each day but I feel so hopeless. I just can't believe a word he says anymore and I have distanced myself completely from him. I can't bear to be near him. We hardly talk. There was also another occasion a year ago where he broke my trust so completely, that I won't go into, but I think has a part in how I feel now. I honestly think our marriage is over but I can't stand the thought of upsetting the kids as they adore him. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about it, my parents would be devastated and would worry unbearably. A couple of friends know but they are busy with their own lives. I have looked up GamAnon but the meetings are so far away and clash with his GA meetings. Maybe I should be looking at marriage counselling, I don't know. I'm used to putting on a brave face but last night I woke up and had a panic attack, I feel like it's taking over my whole life and just can't see any possibility of being normal, let alone happy anymore.
God, this sounds so self pitying, sorry!
I want to see and feel that he is making an effort to repair our marriage but there's nothing. He says he has to sort out himself first before he can start making amends. Am I expecting too much?
Sorry to see this. It's totally rubbish when this gets dumped on us out of the blue.
First thing to say is bailing him out isn't doing him any favours long term. We've all been there but all it does is give the CG a clean slate to carry on. They can and do justify it to themselves with the wildest of flawed logic even while looking us in the eye and lying.
It is 100% fine not to trust him now and ongoing. If he has an ounce of self awareness he will understand why. It's not our job to understand the whys of it. Trying to make sense of the incomprehensible will drive you insane and in fact a lot of CG's themselves don't understand it in their rational moments. It's not in our interests to be too understandng in any case. He will get the support and understanding he needs at GA but on that note he needs to be attending for himself because he wants to give up, not for his parents, you or anyone else.
They can stop and life can return to some normality albeit with stringent and ongoing financial safeguards for us but they have to want that and then keep on wanting it and even then the prospect of a relapse will always be lurking somewhere in the background.
Read up on the addiction and take RL support wherever you can find it. It's very easy to get consumed by it all but make sure you put yourself and the children first.
Hello FML, agreed with all what Lethe has said there, But as a cg, I will try to give a cg' s slant on things.
Firstly your post didn't come across as self pity, was more to the point after receiving such a hard/ sucker punch. I tend to think it's the delusion of the addict in saying he was trying to get some extra/ easy money. It's as if a bravado statement and ties in with the addicts manipulation and not taking the responsibility.
Agreed with Lethe that bailing a gambler out can be detrimental as acts as an enabler and can give the green light to the manipulating bravado again. But then it gives you some breathing space for your young family. But this monetary loose needs to be owned by himself.
It's a solid start in getting some abstination behind him and his twice weekly GA, but why is it you checking out what other support is out there for him. He needs to own it and stand up.
The only thing you can do for now is look out for you and your children. A common trap is it's the cg that needs support, but really most important is you and you need to seek external support. I did read about gam anom's clash with his CG meets but somehow you need to make it work, even if this means that he gives up one of his meets.
Keep learning, posting and keep your barriers up. I wish you well
Hi,
They usually do run GamAnon in the next room to GA, it makes it possible for couples / families to go to their respective meetings together. IMO there's no substitute for GamAnon, a chance to meet other people who get it because they're in the same situation. Well worth inconvenience of babysitting and travel.
It's best to move the focus over to you, instead of getting caught up in the chaos of the gambling. Get the help you need to cope with the effect that he's having on you. And there's no need to apologise for looking after yourself.
CW
Hi FML,
GamCare also offers one-to-one counselling for affected others. It sounds like you would really benefit from this kind of additional support, so if you are interested please call the Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or the Netline here.
And of course please keep posting on the Forum if you find it helps.
All the best,
Forum Admin
Lethe and Volcano, thanks for taking the time to reply, it means a lot.
I agree completely, re. the bail outs and it won't/can't happen again. There's nothing left. Though he says that it's a loan and he still has to pay his parents back, I agree that it lessens his reponsibility. I want him to fully feel the consequences of his actions but he seems to be carrying on like nothing's happened. On the other hand, if he continued chasing his losses, I don't know where we'd end up.
When this all kicked off he told me that if I could wait three months, life would be considerably better. Well it is for him, he's had his debts paid off and has doesn't have the same level of worry, though he tells me it's not been easy for him. For me though, it's like every part of my life has been affected by this in one way or another and I have to find a way to repair it all, without his support and without letting everyone else in my life know what's really been going on.
I see a lot of bravado / arrogance going on which concerns me and suggests that we're a long way off from any sort of true recovery. I would love to see him do his own research and tell me how he's really addressing this but instead it's like he thinks that just going to the meetings is enough and the rest of his life is just going to fall back into place as a result. I would love for him to really acknowledge the damage that he's done but for whatever reason, it's not happening.
I'm going to look at the GamAnon meetings again, thank you. I had thought that it was more important for him to attend regularly but perhaps we can alternate. And yes, I have found out the hard way that I need to put myself and the kids first.
Thanks for listening.
Cynical, good to hear about GamAnon, thank you. In that case, I'm going to see if I can make it there this week or next.
FML I've just posted for the first time and it sounds like we may be in the same place. I totally get the feeling of being broken, I swing between that and feeling numb. I'm so disappointed in him, devistated by what he has done to me and the kids (not that they have any idea but it's inevitable that there will be impact on them as our family can never be the same again) and I simply put have lost all respect for him. I honestly don't like him at all at the moment and pretending all is well in front of the kids is killing me. I'm glad you have his family to talk to, I'm too ashamed to tell my family at the moment. I don't want them to judge him as he's still the father of my children and so he will have a relationship with him. Sending vitual hugs
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