Hi, I'm new to this forum but have been dealing with my partner having a gambling addiction & denial to that for over a year.
I always knew he was betting and never had a problem with it, that was until I found out over £300 had went missing from my bank account in the space of a few weeks... I was newly pregnant, had just lost my job and was feeling very emotionally fragile. I had found out the money was being transferred to a betting site and swore blind it wasn't my boyfriend... I was wrong.
After that moment, he promised to stop immediately, to seek help and to speak on the live chat that gamcare offer, which he did. But then he claimed he was 'waiting for the call' that never came.
Of course I put this to the back of my mind and began to give him trust again, we were having a baby.. getting a house, I didn't want this to be over before it began. But since then; the gambling has came and gone and came again.
The cycle goes - he bets, I find out, he lies, we argue, he stops, it starts again a few weeks later.
ANY time I try to speak calmly about this? He shuts me down. He claims he doesn't have a problem 'he just likes it', he doesn't want to argue but he becomes very defensive and begins to blame me for our problems in the relationship which as you have probably guessed, actually boil down to the betting.
I don't know how much more I can take of this? I'm constantly on edge, when is he next going to snap and become ignorant to my very existence? Will he take money from me again? From the bills account leaving us short on rent? Will he take our daughters savings?
I want to support him, I want him to get help and to stop, I want to save our relationship & our family, and I want a future with him, but he won't accept that he has a problem, he shuts me down and shuts me out whenever a bet goes wrong or a conversation occurs and I am really lost on what more I can do/ say? Is this the end of us? Is he ever going to accept that he has a problem and get some help? Or should I walk away before it gets worse?
Hi
Welcome to the forum! I'm only 6 weeks into my journey of learning to live with a compulsive gambler so probably haven't got much advice to offer. I count myself lucky that at this moment in time my partner is committed to dealing with the addiction and getting support to stop gambling. On the flip side we are in a huge hole financially - which means he hasn't any choice or control over family finances anymore. I too considered leaving however with a new baby felt like I owed my daughter a family. I love my partner deeply but have issued the ultimatum and the gamble of his life - any more lies or gambling of any sort and I'm done! I do mean this as I'm not willing to risk mine and my daughter's future . Whilst sorting through the family finances and trying to find a solution to all the debt I am taking care to protect my interests should my worst nightmare become a reality. I really don't want to walk away but I won't live this hell again. Take time to look after you and where possible separate your finances and protect them for you and your daughter. Remember that you are not to blame & you can't stop him gambling but you can choose how you want to live.
Take care
He doesn't want to stop, does he?
You are right to be concerned about when (very good chance it's not an if) he will next steal from you or whether he might vapourise your daughter's savings. An active CG has no conscience when it comes to finding fuel for the next fix.
He could take steps which would virtually eliminate his access to gambling with near immediate effect but he has to want to do it and then he has to keep wanting to do it more than he wants the next bet. If he won't stop your choices lie with how much if any of his appalling behaviour you tolerate but your immediate step needs to be protecting your own and your daughter's finances so he can't touch them. Once you've done that you have breathing space before deciding the next step.
Put yourself and your daughter first. Unless and until he stops, he won't.
Thank you both for your comments, so far our money is separate with secret passwords on my online banking also. I have made the move to put money into one account with no card and have an empty account with a card, this way I can keep track of all money coming out and all payments into the account with car have to be approved by me firstly.
I am currently at my limit for tolerating this and I know that my only reasonable choice is to leave. Although I too feel I owe my girl a family, and despite saying it 1000 times before this is his last chance. I cannot take the lies any more.
my next question to you lovely people is, is there any thing I can say or do that would make him see he needs help?
Hi, Falloon,
Short answer: no. Sorry.
The three Cs: You didn't Cause the gambling, you can't Control the gambling and you can't Cure the gambling. You direct what you do and tolerate, he directs whether or not he places a bet. And your own actual experience has been the same as everyone else's: no matter what you've said or done or how you've reacted, none of it has changed whether or not the gambling has taken place. It's not that you're missing some magic formula for making him see sense. It's that he has to see reality for himself and if he refuses to, that's down to him.
What does help is to state truth as you see it and not engage in his denials. Gambling has consequences and anything that allows the gambler to experience the link between gambling and lack of money / broken relationships / lost employment etc is helpful.
I also thought that I had to keep the family together at any cost but with twenty twenty hindsight, it was a mistake. I wasn't giving them a "normal" Happy Families experience, whatever such might be. The dysfunction within the family was continuing and the children were having a dysfunctional norm actively demonstrated to them.
Keep the focus on you and your little ones. Take care.
CW
Hi again
CG's live in a dreamworld. Anything that brings them face to face with the reality of what they're doing may be a good thing but it's going to be necessary to draw your lines in the sand and stand by them, refusing to engage in anything beyond stating what they are. Don't allow him to manipulate you into not asking whatever you need to know and don't trust a word he says without seeing cold hard proof for yourself. Make it clear there won't be any bailouts and make sure there aren't. All the time a CG is 'helped' out of a hole they have no incentive to stop. If he gets angry or defensive or anything other than completely cooperative he's telling you where you stand in relation to gambling and it won't be first.
Life with an active CG is he ll and it's a progressive addiction meaning unaddressed it can and likely will spiral uncontrollably. Your partner lost the right to a comfort zone when he gambled behind your back, ly ing and stealing to do so. If he won't commit to doing what it takes please think carefully about the life you and your daughter want and deserve.
Hi, I can feel what your saying.. I've been my partner 4years... at min ex. I love him so much want to be with .we argue etc all as you said .. for me I never truly excepted it I thought it's easy just quit it. Since after another hugh bust up I've realised I wasn't as supported as I should I've been and try to understand it ... his mum sisters control his money .I did at one point .he has done GA all of it . Been no good.. it's been a emotional rollacoaster for me everyday I'm mentally strained worry and all i get from him was your moody miserable moan etc ... we both have a child each which complicates things ...until he admits then it makes it harder . Have you told him if doesn't seek help them your going ? I am at the minute writing a letter .hoping by reading it will take on board ... I've had no one as real support or there for me but believe we need help and support also to get us through
That's what I thought, I've never really had anyone to talk to about this as the few people I could talk to are all very one sided and don't want to hear anything I have to say about how I feel. They think it's as simple as he's done wrong, walk away.
Maybe I will try to write down how it makes me feel, where I stand with it all, and what needs to happen from here. Maybe that will make him see just how much it effects me and our daughter.
Worth a try I suppose, thank you all for helping & giving me the confidence to realise that I shouldn't just have to tolerate this from him
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
