I've finally asked for a divorce after 23 years

Hi

All I can say is I understand your pain and its a decision you had to make either way. Gambling will shred a relationship faster than just about anything.

It helps to talk so you may need some counselling over this. I hope you can talk with your extended family for example.

He may now realise that he needs help and I would hope that you dont have a major falling out and he now goes and seeks that help.

You are right to protect yourself from uncertainty and it was crucial that you protected your financial position and peace of mind. Its an addiction which just can not be rationalised and I understand what its like living with a gambler. Its not acceptable so nobody here is really going to question your decision.

There is a future for you and some tough decisions did have to be made.

You may like the friends and family section of the forum where you can learn more and gather your thoughts.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Ouch 🙁 Welcome to the forum though 🙂

Sorry to start with a disagreement but I'm not sure Joydivider could ever really 'understand' that amount of pain, although I concur, you really do need to find some external support! I can't see from what you have posted that you have actually managed to secure yourself financially so do open up & get every help you can because neither you, nor the kids have done anything wrong & youdeserve it!

My mother gambles, still, she is approaching 70 & back @ work (7 days some weeks I believe). She lives in my flat, with her pension paid into my account (otherwise the bills would not be paid) & periodically still hits me with a million reasons why she 'needs' to borrow. She too assures me she's not gambling..."Don't even think about it!", "Far too busy!" like I'm not coming out the other side of a horrendous 30 year affair with the demon myself. It's bull & I've called her on it for years asking only for her to stop gambling with every high day & holiday. Putting bank statements that mirror my own with hundreds of gambling cash withdrawals on the same day in front of her would be justified & no doubt walking into a shop & physically catching her putting coins into a machine could be explained away with a P**f of smoke & some unicorns. She took £300 out of my wardrobe in my bedroom whilst I slept, ill, once & denied it until I was about to dial the police, convinced someone had been in my room...Not the pain I was going through with the thought of the violation causing her to fess up as you would expect from a mother, only the worry of not being able to lie to the police too!

You do have scary times ahead but I think you have been incredibly brave to take this giant leap & you will find a path of love & truth, just you & your children - ODAAT

Hi there .

I divorced when I was 49 after 29 years of marriage , not for the same reason but another addiction and it was probably one of the worst things to go through , it wasn't pleasant in any way, shape or form but then again niether is what youve put up with for so long .

You do have to think of yourself and your kids for once and try to make some sort of provision for your future years , you could stay and try and make him change but the truth is he's the only one that can do that as you never will, you didn't cause this and your not to blame .

Youv'e no doubt been told every lie in the book and gone through many broken promises over the last 23 yrs and sometimes the only course of action is to draw a line and move on .

As I said it's not a pleasant thing and at times very , very scary but believe me when I say things will work out and you'll learn to live a slightly different but happy life once again , my only advice would be to prioratise on a daily basis what you need to do , try not to look too far into the distance just yet and most importantly take care of you and your kids .

I really wish you the best for your future .

Alan

I think you were right to go now Hi - I'm in exactly same boat and on brink of asking for the divorce as it's my husbands fourth episode that I have been aware of that has put me and our two children in vulnerable position - mortgage, school fees can't be paid as he's gambled salary swsy and set up numerous loans he can't pay on top of normal expenses. He's told me I need to sign a form to increase our mortgage so he can settle his debts by releasing equity in house - the equity in house was always our contingency for loss of income to subsidise school fees in emergency but not to subsidise his gambling which he had hidden and lied about and behaved horribly in process - all the anger e.g. When I asked directly - he tried make me feel guilty for not trusting when I was right. As soon as I've discovered it (compared to previous confessions) he's re set, certain we can increase mortgage and he can make the difference for monthly school fees by over time etc. He has also the option of additional work with a family member and said he would do all to make it right. But two weeks on, he hasn't addressed anything g other than telling a friend and dr and he feels that will make it different "this time". I sought legal advice who said there was nothing I could do to protect myself and children from current or future debts and even if he gave me access to all his finances I know I cannot control, only monitor and then react. In other words I will slwYs have to both trust and monitor and hope. When I pointed out the mess he stated it was something we would both have to put up with - I suggested it was me putting up with it as he knows what he's doing and if telling truth, he said was as much my problem as his. When I suggested a week stating by his family so the kids and I could have change scene and see our family too in time he's already got booked off work - he said it wasn't only about what I wanted and he had a right to spend time with kids too - seemingly incensed I offer the lift to his family to do the job and help pay off immediate fees for bouncing debits and card fees etc... he claims hard to go in his car as is a tracked work car and not to be used for personal use, . Somehow me trying to facilitate us selfish. Am I unreasonable to think he should use this time to earn the money and show willing or does he need a break with kids? To be fair, he has had plenty of opportunity but he has referred to stay late st work (where he has complained he had to work long hours to keep his job etc and I have to put up with that if I expect him earn the money) when he was actually gambling.

I've had a blunt apology followed by lots of my faults and things he has to put up with from me (including a health condition which makes my mobility difficult but I manage without his help ) and that I'm not grateful enough for his positive qualities and how hard he works Snd the jobs he does to renovate our home adding equity (he also suggested this slightly counteracted the debts) . He is unkind a lot, talks to me without respect a lot. My seven year old son idolises him and is copying the manner in which he speaks to me. Since being caught out this time (always confessed before) he is making snide remarks via the children. I know it's wrong. I feel trapped though as children don't know the whole story and we can't buy a house to fit me and them on fifty percent of equity. We'd have to move a long way away. Husband thinks he can afford school if we're together but not if we are apart. Don't see the logic there. He's basically prepared work overtime if I stay but obviously not if we sell up and split up. He's not capable being rational. He's doing jobs around the house as if to martyr himself and make me look ungrateful. But he won't address how he's going to pay next set of credit card bills.

I'm worried this is it for life even if there is a reprieve. Maybe if he gets counselling this time as never had before he'll be forced to see his problem and have to see he is behaving badly. I can't tell. But I also worry if we divorce he will be a really bad influence On Kids during access and mess them up. Maybe I have to stay to truly protect them.

Looktothefuture

I will respond to above on your "can't think straight" message in friends and family.

Hi my first reaction is can you get your hands on that money before he makes more debt! I texted a friend who I used to see at meetings years ago, she's divorced her cg. Couldn't stand the lies, she said 'I may not be married anymore but I still bear the scars'. There is nothing you can do if he chooses not to admit he is a gambler. You can only look after yourself. I hope he doesn't make it difficult you have suffered enough. What a waste, what a fool. I never understand the lying when you are stood there with all the proof. My husband even rang the bank to query someone using his card, then told me it's a computer error. No one can blame you for deciding to look after yourself and your children. As joydivider says maybe get some counselling from gamcare. I would also get credit reports to see if there is more debt you are unaware of. Safeguard your money too, move everything out of joint accounts if you can. I wish you loads of luck!

Thank you to those of you have replied. I have spent the last few days since discovering my husband's latest debts reading on this site and to be honest the more I read the more terrified I become. I have read posts from young girls just starting their lives with gamblers and can see myself 23 years ago and so regret not running then. I have offered the "walk away" advice to several posters as I cannot see why anyone would choose this life, I did and it has finished me and my children. Why am I offering advice to others when I have buried my head for three days regarding my own problems?

i must be the stupidest wife on the planet. Why did I believe my husband had stopped gambling years ago? Why did I stop checking up on him? Does that make me as bad? He has always handled all our money, we have lived a food life and I thought we were doing well. There were signs (big ones) yet I think I turned a blind eye as I didn't want to believe it and then everything was ok again, the signs stopped and I forgot about it. If only I had known about this site years ago.

Since discovering his online gaming last Friday I have done none of the things suggested here. I am truly traumatised and pretending it hasn't happened. The only thing I have done is told him not to come home again and he hasn't and that we are over. I have no extended family, my parents are both deceased, no siblings or living relatives and few friends. Faxing up to it makes it real and currently I am too shocked to eat or sleep. My 14 year old son is holding me together and that alone shames me, my 11 year old daughter understands far less.

Please can can someone tell me how to begin to deal with his mess. I feel as though there is no way out. I hear some of you talking about repaying debts, future inheritance etc but my husband is 61. He can never repay what he owes and we will lose our home I'm certain. I honestly feel as though there is no way out, we are all finished. We have no future lump sums, he has spent them all. I truly feel as though I am having a breakdown. I just can't so this, I really can't!!!!!

Apologies for so many typos. Just cannot function or type properly

You can because you have to! Not sure what time they open but maybe start by calling the helpline? You will need some practical advice going forward as well as some kind of support. The helpline can sort you out some counselling & if possible get to a GamAnon meeting where other loved ones will be able to offer you real life support & guidance with how they have managed to move forwards.

I get that you are really hurting & scared & I don't know what the answer is but somehow you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other whilst you formulate a plan because your boy can't do this alone!

You're not the stupidest wife on the planet, we're a manipulative bunch & my own mother (also a CG) can look me in the eye & lie unashamedly even when overwhelming proof of her behaviour has been produced. I'm sorry you're hurting & you may need to book a GP appointment because you have to try everything, you can't let this destroy you.

Hi you really need support as odaat said. Go to gp, call gamcare. There are debt advice lines. Do you have any income? There are things you can do to slowdown repayments on credit cards etc. You can call and ask interest to be frozen etc. If you aren't talking to your husband you don't know what he is doing. If he controls finance you need to sort out all bills, mortgage etc. If house is to be sold you have to communicate either directly or through a solicitor. It sounds like you've been hiding from this yourself. That doesn't make you stupid. The problem is we could never imagine gambling into debt, but they are constantly looking for a big win. Try and find a gamanon meeting you will get practical advice and support from others. This is a really scary time but you have to face it head on. There are many things you can do, keep posting, keep asking questions.

o*g. I have recently admitted my "problem" after 25 years of gambling and lying to my wife. It's only now that after I have received counselling I see what I have become. The lies, deceit, disrespect, etc etc. That's ignoring the £100's of thousands of pounds wasted. I have turned into an animal and have treated my wife and children atrociously. This is all down to gambling. I actually blamed my wife for not earning enough and providing for the family. I earn more than enough to look after my family albeit it is more difficult now due to the debts etc.

Guess what. My wife has had enough and has decided to separate with the inevitability of divorce. If I can give you any advice and help I would say that despite your other half's actions please don't take it personally. Whatever they have done to do with gambling wasn't to hurt you. They have been gripped by gambling which changes their thoughts and actions. I promise that if they accept they have a problem and stop gambling your life would change forever. You may get your old other half back. That is of course if you believe they accept advice and never gamble one more penny ever again.

No matter what your age and if your other half doesn't stop, you have to get out of the relationship right away. This may change them but you'll never know until you give it a go. You have to look after you and any children to secure your future. Your other half will not stop gambling your future away unless they accept it and change. You just have to let the wind blow you in whatever direction it dictates and I'm sure all will be ok without your other half if they're not willing to give up gambling or with them if you're willing to work at it together with their cooperation.

I hope that this helps. Please don't take what your other half did personally. He didn't mean to hurt you. He is a gambler.

Hi GMH

I'm sorry to see what has happened but you have done the right thing. There aren't any medals for tolerating the intolerable. You though are the rational one in this and if you're to protect your interests (as you must) you're going to have to take immediate action even though you are reeling. I would recommend starting with the credit reports from all three agencies in both your names. You need to know if he's taken out debt in your name along with his own. Sever as much financial conection with him as you can and don't offer any help with the debts he's run up. They're his lookout. You will also need to limit any liability you may have e.g. for joint accounts as soon as possible.

Can you get to a CAB office? They will be able to offer you some advice. It sounds as though you may need proper legal advice too. Some solicitors may offer a free session for an hour or so which would be worth looking into

I think I have been what I now know is enabling. I am not sure I've been hiding (maybe I have) but there have been odd times when he's said things were tight but then it's passed. We have our own business, we have a holiday once or twice a year, albeit in the uk, we have two horses, we eat out regularly, have a nice car etc etc. when you are living a comfortable life like that you don't think that anything is wrong. We had some work done on the house last year and were planning an amazing trip in April as a surprise for our children. How could that be the life of a gambling addict? during the periods when things were tight he always explained it away as business being slow and as that's true at times I believed it. Looking back there were definitely red flags which perhaps I was afraid to confront. So my children have two useless parents....an addict and a coward.

My biggest fear now is that my children will become addicts, having grown up with one. That my son will become depressed or my daughter anorexic. I know that sounds irrational but I am petrified his behaviour will scar them as it has me. From a young age both my parents (I was 5) became sick and by 12 I was a career for my disabled mother and my father was dead. There were no siblings, just me. My entire life I have been caring for someone. Maybe that is why I turned away from the signs.

He has never let me have control of our finances and has been secretive about money for 23 years. I think now that he actually never stopped (he spent a lot on the lottery each week) and the times I thought he was clean were the times I just didn't notice.

About two years ago he said that our bank had been put into "recovery" or something like that as the business was really struggling. I later discovered that I was blacklisted too (joint account) but soon after he told me he had sorted everything. You are all probably thinking "god how incredibly naive and stupid" but he really is the most accomplished liar.

There are four of us in our business yet although I am a partner he tells me nothing and I am allowed no involvement. If I ever question him he just becomes very angry and as I don't want my children to hear these outbursts I don't do this anymore.

Bumblebee you say 'Please don't take personally what your partner did as he didn't mean to hurt you' Don't take it personally!!!!! My god how can I not? It is personal because it affects me personally and our beautiful children. If someone drove a car at your child purposely breaking their legs and then said 'oh it wasn't personal' how would you feel? This act wasn't done by accident, we haven't been burgled or made bad investments. He has PURPOSELY taken our money and blown it.

Sorry.....was meant to say a carer for my mother.