I've finally asked for a divorce after 23 years

Hi yes he chose to gamble, but now he is addicted and this is the fallout. Do you have a company accountant? Company solicitor? What liability do you have as partner? Is company solvent? That's where I would start. Get legal advice, you have rights too.

It sounds awful, your whole story, I can certainly believe the acomplished liar part, sadly something I identify with fully.

The not taking it personally, I can't imagine what it must be like beoing the non-gambler but I have genuinely justified a lot of my gambling as a desire to provide a better life for my wife and children, the reality is the complete opposite but I never saw that. I have ruined my health and my mind by the pressure and secretiveness of it all, ive never wanted to hurt anyone and felt suicidal thinking about what i was doing I just never felt I could stop, I had so much hidden I couldn't see a way of keeping it hidden unless i won enough to hide it, i didn't want to confess as I convinced myself that would be more hurtful

In hindsight I couldnt have been more wrong

anyway just wanted to add my perspective to that bit, i understand what bee was saying.

Hi. Sorry I didn't mean to offend you. I guess it is a gambler not understanding the non gambler and vice versa. I agree with the previous post in that strangely some gamblers do it to make things better because of the instant money. It must be the shortsightedness of being a gambler in attempting to please. That's all I meant by don't take it personally. Using the analogy of driving a car into your children purposefully is wrong because some gamblers do not set out purposefully to hurt those around us as a consequence of our gambling. We do not gamble thinking we are going to lose every penny we earn and our relationships. That's all I meant by dont take it personally. I was trying to say don't blame yourself. Your husband will be regretting everything he has done but will probably understand that you need to do what you have to do. I'm sorry if I offended you.

And I'm sorry if I was harsh Bumblebee. The very fact that you gamblers are even here on this site is a positive for you as you are obviously seeking help and support. The problem is my husband does not have a gambling problem, he is still lying even now. I do not know the extent to which he is in debt as yet. He has never ever shown one shred of genuine remorse EVER!!!!! I have loved and stood by him for 23 years surviving domestic violence, being unfaithful and an addict. I truly believed we were ok. We have just had one of our best holidays, lots of laughs and such a lovely time. This has blindsided us all and I am angry beyond words. I know deep down he thinks this will be like all the other times. We split for a year once and the second time six months and each time I forgive. This is different though. I feel different and I know it is final. This time I have older children (11 and 14) who understand more.

Can I ask any of you addicts if you had or still have any of the following traits. Being a spendaholic, going to the shops for three things and coming home with twenty? Lying about non-related gambling stuff....silly unnecessary lies, being isolated and having few or no real friends, generally unsociable. One example.....if we went to buy something big, say a car, he would get angry if I tried to barter. He hated that people might think he didn't have enough money and wanted to pay the asking price. Everything had to be to excess.....Christmas, birthdays etc

we do have a company accountant yes. He has now told me he has had to put 20k of our own money into the business yet the other two partners have not done this. I can see it has gone out of his personal account paid to our company but I don't believe him and intend to find out. Should I tell the other partners but what if he has been taking company money and the police are involved. What would you do on this point?

I am now off to the bank to tell them. So scared!

Yes to the non-gambling things, to excess.

I completely recognise the not bartering mindset.

You need access to credit reports, experian as the priority but there are three available - there might be an expert available on what the equivalent is for businesses but certainly you need to see your own credit file, preferably your husbands too but not if asking for it puts you at risk.

It's your choice now what you tell other people - YOUR choice, not his. You need to look after you (and the children and your business) If you had evidence one of the other Partners was putting the business at risk, you surely wouldn't hesitate. Even if YOU chose not to say your husband is a gambler you could call for a complete finanical review. Whatever the state of the business, good practise would be to review current performance and update the business plan - for which you need to take stock of the company finances

I'm really sorry this is all happening to you

I am being completely honest with my wife, for the first time ever and I am having to face the consequences of that truth. It is really hard but I now recognise the only chance I have of living life is to be this way. If my wife and I survive then I would be the happiest man alive but right now I am more important and SHE is more important than US - if that makes sense

best wishes with the next few days, from what you have said I think it is going to be incredibly difficult for you

Good luck!

Hi GMH.

Its an illness and it becomes the gambler if I can put it that way. I never laughed in an evil way and thought Im going to stuff the people around me. I didnt know what I was doing until I looked back on it in a proper recovery. It was way more than being silly or greedy for money. It wasnt really about the money...the money became nothing until the cupboards were bare and then it became nothing again the next time I had access to some money Its an addiction that has so much control it tricks the gambler into feeling some sort of normality. Its very similar to a class A or alcohol addiction in the way it takes over and removes all control over something which is actually killing us

Its complex and based on all sorts of things...stress, depresssion, emptiness, worthlessness, self punishment, and a cry for help. Its firmly rooted in escape and is actually used a stress reliever which tragically only makes things worse. It could only have ever made things worse as its not an income scheme. Its also a form of mind control as the brain craves dopamine from a be good to me feeling. Inside every gambler is a miser and that summed me up really. It may have got worse since my unemployment as I was trying to make money stretch. However it will also develop with spendaholics and people who want to be or actually are big rollers...in a sense thats a fear of being skint or being shown up to be worried about money. It affects footballers and people from all walks of life

"what shall we do to fill the empty spaces" as the line goes. There is an argument that we lost our spirituality and money/capitalism is not a replacement

With respect its an addiction which cares not if the gambler has a more comfortable lifestyle. The stress of providing that lifestyle and the debts that can go with it can fuel a gambling addiction..

I know its confusing and very hurtful for you. I think you are making the correct decisions. This is about your mental health now and that of your children.

You will become calmer over time as you learn about the addiction and know you have protected your position. When you have protected your position he will have to deal with the gambling problem on his own terms. Thats the way it has to be.

You didnt cause it and you cant cure it. Its a confusing situation in that you also will need a new relationship with money because the horses and the meals out dont matter if there is a truly miserable undertone.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Well I have spent the last two hours at the bank and it is much worse than I though. Oh my god I really am stupid. How could I have let this happen. It has been going on FOR FIVE YEARS!!!! FIVE!!!!! I think he has spent getting on for 100K. All out of our joint account. It is a joint account that I pay no money into but has my name on and as far as I knew he just paid bill money in and out it went....on bills....not gambling!!!

What are credit reports? I have no idea. I am going to ring the number on here later for advice. I know he has been taking this money out of the business. I don't want to say what the business is but it has a lot of cash going through 7 days a week plus card payments etc and he must have been syphoning money somehow as his wages would not have covered this. Although I have no idea how much he earns.

Even since I threw him out last Friday he has continued to gamble online. What does this mean, that he won't stop, won't admit he has a problem? He messaged me yesterday to say he was bringing 19K round today. This is money out of a recent £30k lump sum that he's told me was from an old policy (more lies I guess) I know he was thinking that I could live off this leaving his entire wages to gamble.I told him I wanted money for food, kids outings etc and that I would not be touching the 19K. I said if he didn't give it to me I would turn up and ask for it to be taken from the business till which he'd hate. He has dropped it off this afternoon along with £240.00 for food/outings etc.

So, my dilemma now is that if I take my name off the joint account I won't be able to check on him. Plus he needs to sign agreement for me to do so. There is £650.00 in there so shall I go online and transfer it to my sole account preventing his nightly online gaming as this is via his debit card attached to the joint account. I am considering telling him that if does not grant me full access to all accounts I am going to the police re his stealing from the company. If I did this he would undoubtedly go to prison or certainly get some kind of sentence. Our children are saying that they will only see him when he can admit he's an addict and get help. We are living apart, will this make it harder for him to stop? What should I do on that point?

Thanking you all in advance of your advice and for all your kind words so far.

a mess.

credit reports will show every line of credit available to someone. they show the detail of the last six years, there are many that you could use, Experian is the largest company and many advisors say if you are only going to review one then start with experian, you can arrange a basic scoring for free of for £14.99 a month you can see a full report, it's free for the first month if you have never done it before. I would recommend getting this full report - takes some time to set up, if you have moved frequently but it will show everything you need to know. You need to do yours. If you have any thoughts of being involved with your husband moving forward then you also need to see his. You would need him to set it up but he can give you full access. The priority right now though is yourself.

If there are funds accessable, you need to get them in your control. He will have debt that you wont even have a clue about

I would virtually guarantee that he has only used the joint account after maxing every other line of credit available to him

the business funds are not safe

What is does is not your priority concern, you need to secure you and the business, whatever that takes.

He has to face the consequences of his actions, even if he doesn't want to.

I am the compulsive gambler, I can speak from experience, he will be angry, desperate and will say ANYTHING and do anything he can to stop this from being outed. He has lost the right to control that. Those decisions rest with you now, you are in control, not him. stay strong, be resiliant and do not waiver. Do not give him a penny.

One day he will thank you, whatever happens in between now and that day, one day he will thank you. so will your children and so will you. Now is the time for this to change.

Best wishes to you and again I'm really sorry you are having to face this, you did not cause this, you dont deserve it but you need to protect yourself now

A few suggestions for short term emergency measures.

I would advise you to obtain bank statements for all accounts for the last six years. And the children should do likewise for any in their name.

Google credit reports, get yours from all three agencies but if he's denying, he's unlikely to cooperate in getting his.

Put what money he gives you safely into your name.

Get paid legal advice, you may be eligible for Legal Aid, google the Law Society's website.

Go to GamAnon meetings.

CW

Hi again

If there's a credit balance in the joint account that's not as bad as it might be but yes, I'd transfer it to my own control asap along with the money he's brought round. Get as much as you can under your own control as quickly as you can. You will need to be on top of the banking daily and you must get online access to the joint account to do this. You need to know what direct debits are going out and when they are due so you can cover them. I transferred most of them to my own account so I didn't need to leave large amounts in the joint (the only account Mr L has access to). It would be a good idea to reduce any OD limit right down to the bones as a desperate CG can and will max it without drawing breath and with your name on it you will be liable.

Credit checks will tell you whether there's any hidden debt and/or any hidden bank accounts. They are available free and instantly via Noddle (Callcredit), Clearscore (Equifax) and Experian through MSE's credit club.

If he has been taking money from the business especially in the amounts you believe it to be it will come to light at some point anyway. There's no helping that and whatever process will begin is out of your hands. My personal view is it would be best for it to happen sooner rather than later before he can steal any more and undermine the business and your position further. Can you get the other partners and/or the company accountant involved to get the ball rolling?

Living apart makes him less accountable and means he's not face to face with his family's distress on a daily basis. If he genuinely wants to stop it doesn't mean you won't be able to help and support with that but ultimately he is the only one that can make the choice to stop and then do all it takes to make it happen.

If your a director or partner of your Business then why not ask your firms accontant for a copy of your profit and loss account ? It would list where the money was going and detail the allocated share of profit to your husband and yourself , so you'd then know what he was earning ? .

If he's continuing to gamble even though youv'e thrown him out then I'd think that he's no intention of stopping anytime soon ,and as youve already been down that route in the past for a year or 6 months at a time youve alway's taken him back so I'm assuming he thinks it's just a waiting game ? .

For some of us Compulsive gamblers the thought of losing our wife , kid's and anything else we hold dear is a wake up call to do something but unfortunately some can continue on a downwood spiral , there is hope but unless he really wants to change , whatever you say or do won't make one jot of difference such is the mindset of a CG .

Just my opinion but you have to make sure that whatever consequences you threaten him with are carried out , I can understand your thought's on calling in the police but what about speaking with your other business partners or at least the threat of ? , the implications of calling in the police to investigate fraud would have have far reaching repercussions for all the partners in the firm including yourself , youd also then be dealing with possible involvment from HMRC and you know what they can be like !.

Gamblers like your husband and myself don't like anyone knowing our dirty little secrets , were a very secretive bunch and quite solitary creatures , so the thought of the big "Outting " might make him at least think a little ? .

GMH.

My best advice is that your are now understandably upset and your thoughts are rushing ahead of you.

You need financial advice and probably a solicitor. I feel you need to establish the basics...will you have a roof and food before considering what lifestyle you would like to maintain.

It seems that the debts are substantial but I dont know your finances or if the business is solvent. That is your personal financial matters. I would have thought a divorce petition would have brought your husband to some sense of what is important.

Its seems you are trying to do too much at once so its one step at a time. You need a position of strength and then you can deal with things better. Its not all going to happen overnight. Its not going to be simple but it will all fall into place step by step

This is another very sad example what gambling does and how it shreds relationships and finances.

There is a future for you but I think you need some help now from financial advisors and some legal advice.

I do hope that one day you could be morally supportive to your husband/ex husband. Its not a good idea to get him into any more trouble. I hope its not going to be a major falling out but you need to get divorce advice and protect yourself from being involved in gambling debts.

These are all your decisions but you need some local help from reputable advisors.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Thank you once again for your kind and helpful comments. I have been awake most of the night (now 3.35am) going over it all in my mind.

Alan 135 your comments made absolutely perfect sense about how he is playing a waiting game, me having taken him back twice previously. I had not even considered that thought. As you say, he is continuing to gamble having been thrown out so the signs of him stopping look remote. Part of me is worried sick as he has constant access to cash via the business and I wondered if throwing him out will exacerbate the gambling. However, he has pretty much gone through 100k under my nose so I guess he needs to deal with it himself whilst I limit harm to us.

I get that only he can heal himself. I am exhausted with this and need to protect myself and my children. I cannot help but feel enormous sadness that he did not love his own children enough to stop this.

Good morning,

There is so much advice coming your way so i apologise for passing over some more.

If possible you must restrict / stop / cancel any access to funds that it is possible for you to complete. Be it speaking with the bank or his business partners which in itself may cause him further problems of a criminal / fraud nature however you may consider he is also pulling the wool over his business partners eyes. I fear there will still be a lot of stones to turn in this journey and (as difficult as it may be) the truth must begin to unravel. He must begin to accept what is coming his way. I fought (not physically) every step of the way when the noose tightened thinking i can get out of this. Now i realise how foolish this was.

Your mind must be buzzing so please protect you. If you need to involve the police re violence or threats received you must.

Perhaps a bit.of time in a cell might begin to force a.mindset although i feel retribution may appear from business partners and associates.

Your braveness shines through on the forum.

Best wishes

Bal