I've finally asked for a divorce after 23 years

Thank you Bal and to everyone who has given so much advice and shown kindness, both gamblers and their families of gamblers. I feel as though I have taken over here a little tbh and I hope that isn't annoying to anyone. This forum is keeping me going at the moment and I admit I have used it as a place to hide these last few days.

As anyone in this position knows it is overwhelming and part of me has wanted to pretend it's not real. However, I am gradually facing things steadily, bank yesterday, phoning advice line today and tomorrow a solicitor (who is also an acquaintance) which will be easier than seeing a stranger.

The last two days I am going through the 'did I cause this?' "Am I somehow to blame?' I left him in total control of our finances/car taxing/car insurances etc. Was this all too much with the running of the business . Has all this responsibility made him gamble? The thing is until I found this site last Friday I had no idea how gambling addiction worked. I didn't realise it was similar to alcohol addiction and that the addict could relapse. I didn't even know my husband was an addict, I simply thought he was a man who had had various bouts of gambling over the years.

Should I give him warning that I am speaking to our partners. I have no proof he has taken money from the business as it could be from another source.....I really don't know!

The bank have called me and there have been no gambling transactions for two days.

Those of you in recovery I pray for you all to stay clean and wish strength to your loved ones.

to be honest, it's a fascinating thread, very powerful and thought provoking - certainly making me look even harder at my own actions, I'm just sorry it is real life, your life, it's not fair on you.

What was your last contact with your husband? I am now wondering if you email him and ask him to put everything in writing, tell him that you need absolute honesty so that you can decide on your next step.

You can say you already know more than you have both discussed so you will quickly know if he is being truthful and open or not. Your can say your next step is to ask the business Partners for a full financial review of the business and that you will be arranging your credit file but that you want to give him chance to tell you himself

You do not need to give reassurance of what you will do next

I would be clear that this is a one chance, 24 hour 'offer' and whatever comes out, you would find this less stressful than finding the skeletons as you continue the digging so if he has any respect for you, he will do this. Even if he misses a nights sleep to write it all down.

One thing I am certain of if you need to know absolutely everything that has any bearing or connection on you. I hope I'm wrong but from what you have said I still think there is more to come, more secrets to uncover

just my opinion but again im the CG so advice from the f&f members on here is probably more valid

Never think that you are taking over the forum. As CG says above it is very thought provoking and in reality the answers you get will be truthful.

Keep posting and best wishes

Bal

Nothing you have said and done has caused him to gamble. That's something I struggled with for a while especially when it was seemingly confirmed by ill-informed comments from family. He chose to start it and then he chose not to start the steps it takes to arrest it. The responsibility is all his.

I think Compulsive Gambler's idea is a good one which may indicate which way the wind is blowing although the reality is it would be very unwise to trust a word your husband says without seeing solid proof all is as he says at this point or any other for a very long time to come.

very fair point - about not trusting a word!

I convinced myself that I never lied to my wife, I was concious that I avoided answering or twisting the facts slightly.

Reality is,I had lied so much I didn't even know what was truth anymore

If you have everything in writing and then find anything different you will at least be able to stick to the facts - i.e. that he still lied to you.

As the CG I would like to think given your actions so far, that I would take this chance to put everything on the table. Credit files and a business review (maybe the P&L) will be essential to find anything lurking in the shadows

My mess was so bad I had even 'forgotten' about a significant defaulted cc. Think I had convinced my self I had settled it

Hi again .

In your reply to my post you said that you felt sad that " He didn't love his children enough to stop this " , I know this is probably going to sound strange but I believe and from what I've come to learn in the couple of years I've been on this forum that's far from true , I gambled for many many years and never stopped loving my partner and my kids , addmitedly I didn't stop gambling until I'd had enough but the love for them was alway's there .

It's strange that in the mind of a gambling addict we actually feel that by gambling were going to be able to provide for the family the sort of lifestyle others could only dream of and that were really only doing it for you ? , this of course in the cold light of day is absolute tosh as it's more about us justifying ourselves to be able to carry on with the addiction and nothing more .

Youv'e had many replies from family and friends who like yourself have or are suffering at the hands of a CG and all I'm trying to do is give you insight into our thinking process which is far from normal to say the least , there's no justification in what I did to my family nor in what your husband is doing to your's but I had to stop gambling and let the " Fog" clear before I began to realise that what I considered " Normal " behaviour was doing to those I loved .

Such is the power of addiction that the actual money the cold hard cash means nothing in the end and all we see are " Gambling tokens " a means to an end if you like , so we can carry on with the cycle of destruction .

Make sure your safe and as others have said take control of everything you can so as to protect you and your children from any more damage .

Ok....today I have done the following:

Made a solicitor's appointment

Phoned our bank

Phoned Citizen's Advice

Ran an Experian credit file on myself which came out with score of 844/fair

Set up an Experian free monthly trial

Phoned to warn my mortgage lender of possible attempts by husband to increase, possibly fraudulently.

Phoned Gamcare

I am relieved that he has taken out no loans in my name but aware that his will be shocking. I spoke to Gamcare who pointed me in the direction of looking at how to help him. I will not go there, I want help for only me and our children. He has had 23 years to change, chose not to his choice. Everything I do from now is only for us. He is not a baby (they have more sense) and must fight alone. He has never accepted responsibility and now reaps the consequences.

Just in case this may help anyone, when I reported my concerns to our mortgage lender re his a addiction, they have raised an alert with financial crime services (sounds scary but isn't) which means our account will be closely monitored by a specialist team for any possible fraudulent applications. One more avenue ticked off!!

Alan, what made you stop? Do you believe it has to be 100% your decision without being coerced and without ultimatums? Do you other addicts believe that too?

I don't think I could have got this far without this forum. Thank you guys! Very long way to go but we are on the road.

X

Well done.

Sounds like you need a brew and a biccie!!!

Best wishes

Hi again .

Well done as Bal said on starting to unravel the carnage we leave in our wake , your doing what you need to do for your own safety and wellbeing of your family :)).

re your question " What made me stop " ? That's a tricky one to be honest .

D Day for me was the day I was sat in my daughters garden at her 30th birthday , I was sat thinking how everyone around around me was having a great time not knowing what was going on in my head , I had debt , I'd lied and conned my way through many years of spiraling gambling convincing myself that I really didn't have a problem .

2 day's before the party I'd been reasearching " Painless way's to die " on Google but there I was sat there putting on an Oscar winning performance in front of my family that everything was fine and dandy in my world, my daughter was due to marry the following year and I remember her asking after she'd thanked her guests for coming to her birthday party if I wanted to say a few word's and shamefiully I had nothing inside to say , my emotions and feelings had been lost to my gambling addiction many moons before , I just muttered politely that " I'd save it for the wedding " .

Something must have finally clicked with me as the next day I spoke to my partner and my son and daughter and told them in full detail what I'd done , thankfully they supported me along the way however they could and the rest is history as they say .

Nearly 2 yrs now since that day and life's changed so much for me but I have to say I had to do it first and formost for myself , without me changing my thinking process and embracing a new way of life ultimately it wouldn't have made it better for any of them .

We need to fix ourselves first and the hardest thing for a CG to do is be honest , were just not used to it but once it starts happening we then allow ourselves the freedom to move forward and gambling has no place to hide .

I'm sorry for what we put you through and it must be so hard when you find out like this , even if you've an idea of whats happening , the reality must be devastating .

I don't know what the future holds for any of us but knowledge is power with addiction and hopefully your gaining some power by being here , which will help you and your family on your journey . xx

Gosh Alan that's pretty remarkable! You must be incredibly proud and if not you should be.

I don't believe that my husband would ever willingly admit and if confronted has always denied. He has always lied about stuff generally and is very calculating and cold. I remember my son coming home from school aged around 9 after a health talk on smoking. My son was in bed crying and I asked my husband to speak to him, he didn't want to. My son was asking reassurance that my husband would at least try to give up. He went up to his room but came out after less than five minutes and angrily slammed the door. This began a web of more lies.....made up trips to the smoking clinic etc etc. If a man can stay in the casino whilst his son is being taken by ambulance to hospital with suspected meningitis I guess he is truly a lost soul. That was about seven years ago. I called him but he didn't come and has never felt guilty about not doing so.

what you did was so brave. If my husband had done that I know I would have supported him. Thanks for sharing that.

I'm proud of my family for supporting me that's for sure , for me I'd just wished I'd seen the light a little earlier in life ..

I guess us addicts have different levels of what we feel is acceptable behaviour , I'm in no place to judge anyone but even I've heard of things on this forum that have suprised me as to what depths we'll sink to but when were in that mindset we'll do anything to get our next fix so to speak .

You sound as though youve been through the mill a bit in the past and it's the backlash of our actions that stay with you and the kids forever unfortunately , our children look on us a almost God like when there younger and never want anything to happen to us and do need reassurance at times as with your Son's issues with his dad's smoking .

I like to think that my gambling had no effect on my kid's but realisticly looking back I had huge mood swings , I'd become quite good at covering up my real feelings and putting on a front but there were times when I wasn't where I should have been and excuses were made why I couldn't afford something ! .

I now look back.on those day's in digust if I'm honest and wonder how it all got that bad but I guess just like your Husband it had become so ingrained in me to gamble it became part of my DNA and everyday became a " Groundhog Day " .

If your husband want's to stop gambling then I truly believe the ball has to be in his court , he has to ask for help , he has to go to GA or seek councilling as it's his problem just as it was mine , if it works out then be there for support but you can't do it for him as I know people could have screamed at me till they were blue in the face and it wouldn't have mattered until I made the decision for myself , do what you need to do to keep you all safe and spell it out in black and white the way it has to be , then the rest is up to him . x

Hi GMH well done you're really sorting your life out! Would the partners in your business not have noticed if he was taking more money than he should? I have become immune almost to the depths people go to. There's someone new on who's handed himself into the police. I've been to meetings with women whose husbands have been to prison for embezzlement. It's an awful place to be, for us and the cg. I can't imagine how that must feel to be so desperate or completely beyond caring. I think my husband stopped in numerous occasions as there just wasn't anymore money to borrow, the banks said 'no'. Having control of the money gives me peace of mind, I know the bills are paid. I've stayed because I love my husband, but I hate the gambler, definitely Jekyll and Hyde. Also I want my kids to love their dad, I don't want them to be disappointed or ashamed. My parents were divorced and my mother doesn't have a good word to say about my father and it's tough. Always feeling disloyal. Anyway I'm glad your moving forward I hope you sleep tonight.

Thank you Alan and Merry go round.

Today I'm feeling awful. The solicitor I spoke to yesterday, and made an appointment to see today, called to say that she couldn't see me today after all as she had another client booked in in the time a lot shed given me. She offered me one for tomorrow but I can't do that. I told her I'd be in touch. The bank still haven't returned my call from 9am this morning and neither has the car finance company. I feel as though I'm at the bottom of Everest!! The post has just come with a confidential letter for my husband which I opened and didn't understand. Something about £2,500 debt being passed by his bank to a holding company and something about 'being sold' I feel truly wretched!!

I am in the garden with my children, the three of us trying to lift heavy planters and move some heavy stuff around. I already have a back problem so this is the last thing I need.

Did any of you as partners of addicts find that they became less and less willing to help do stuff in the garden/house, have no interest in how things looked, just couldn't be bothered. Did you notice that they also became less interested in their appearance? My husband was all of the above.

Today is a very down day. We dare not even go out doing kid's activities as we are scared to spend much money. My son said "I think we should stay at home, we may need that money later." He is such a good boy.

When will I feel better and how?

Hi, Good,

Get another Solicitor? There's enough of them out there. The Law Society have a list available on line and if this one has started as he means to go on?

re activities, there's a website called Days Out with the Kids, which I always found helpful. Or swimming or park? Distraction and activity helps.

The addiction does corrupt thought processes IME. There are no prizes available to you for being a martyr, tell him what you expect him to do to pull his weight. If you expect nothing, that is what you'll get.

Finally, drag yourself to GamAnon. For your own sake. It's worth the effort.

CW

Hi there :)) .

I'm sure these first day's / weeks dealing with lot's of different agency's / paperwork is going to seem at times a monumental task but all you can really do is plod through things day by day in order of priority , solicitors /banks alway's seem to drag their heels for whatever reason .

I can see your reasoning to want to get things done fast but sometimes we have to accept there will alway's be things out of ouur control , all you can do for now is gather up as much as you can to limit further damage and look after you and your childrens need's , something's thankfully in life are free so maybe a walk in the countryside or beach with the children is an answer ?.

Take care and best wishes

Alan