I've finally asked for a divorce after 23 years

Goodbye my husband wrote:

Apologies for so many typos. Just cannot function or type properly

Sorry to hear about your situation. I think you have done something really brave, youve finally called a halt to all the deception, something I need to do! You will get through it, youve got your kids and I think youve taken the first and hardest step. Good Luck

ignoring Alan for a second - albeit It's been said I'm like an old woman myself at times!

It's not the sister-in-laws 'fault'. Your husband is the CG, she maybe very self obsessed and unable to compute what you've told her and she doesn't on that basis sound that useful or pleasant.

I would strongly suspect from your story so far that you husband has indeed completely hoodwinked his sister (and I think himself still).

Your anger, in my opinion, should all be directed at your husband, however anger isn't really going to get you what you need right now, aside from a good release!

If you can maintain an open door to your husband accessing/seeing your children and reassure them that is the case - it will reap you dividends in the future - they will remember your stance and they will thank you for it.

In regards yourself and the practicalities, personally I think it is time to ask questions through the business but understand your reluctance on this front.

I also think it is time for you to write a letter/email that asks questions you need the answers to, you could open with a paragraph to sumarise:

Dear T. wat (whatever his name is)

Following the recent discovery that your gambling addiction has remained uncontrolled and has put the family in a perilous financial position, I wanted to confirm that I will be arranging purchase of my own car, meaning you are free to arrange the return of the audi, on which you have said you are unable to make the agreed monthly payments. As you have not made any contact to see your children and there welfare is my upmost priority I require you to answer the following, preferably without me having to use legal representation:

How much money will he be providing each month, when will the first payment be made and by how

Is there any debt that I may be held liable for, that you have not told me about

Do you have plans to see your children on a regular basis and if so, how do you propose to arrange this?

Do you regard the house being 'at risk' given your current debt levels/

Have you used any business funds or assets to gamble, is there any risk to the business as a result of your gambling?

etc etc

This are my off the cuff thoughts anyway but as always, I'm sure there will be some great advice given and available to you

I'm sorry this is not getting any easier for you but if you did take the 'letter' approach you could always send a copy to the sister (and anyone else) - send it recorded and it might help if you do end up in legal scenario..

A huge thank you to all of you for some great advice. I have to admit I was worried about posting as I've been quiet for a few days and I was a little nervous In case no one responded. I don't think you realise what a fantastic support you are all being to me. Huge thank you to Merry go round and ODAAT who I am chatting with privately who are being hugely supportive.

I get what you mean Alan in that Compulsive Gambler is the brother and I'm only an in law. What I also meant was that even given that it is her brother she has been c**P. "I asked him if he was still gambling and he said no, not much more I can do" Wow.....such effort! Mind you this is someone who booked a holiday abroad when her dad was near the end of his life because "she" needed a break from the stress! You made me smile Alan about your thoughts vs Merry go round. Was thinking exactly that MGR, dig around where it hurts him most....and I will.

Good point from Comlulsive Gambler about setting out some questions. I need to do that. Bstep, I am just off to look up your story.

So, it was the four words used by Amom that I have followed for the moment "just leave it alone" I have done that for now. She knows i always reply to messages pretty quickly and would never read and say nothing. So by doing that it will unsettle her more. Not that this is her fault of course but her lack of interest or help is kind of staggering.

The point made about him simply waiting for me to "get over it" like I have all the other times and take him back is so true I think. I've noticed that he has unblocked me on Whatsapp........clearly expecting this to cause a rush of messages but I've remained silent. He is a coward. His sister's comment of "He's just worried about ****** birthday" was obviously a prompt for me to facilitate some kind of suggestion as to how he needs to deal with his own daughter's birthday. Silence from me I think. He created the situation, let him sort it out.

This conversation I had with his sister last Christmas might just highlight the sort of person she is. She had driven up to drop of the presents and we met at a pub for lunch. She told me that she was absolutely exhausted with the strain of supporting her friend through a dreadful crisis. Her friend's sister had committed suicide after discovering her husband had been unfaithful, they had two young children.

"Honestly I am just drained, I've tried to be supportive and be there for her but I can't do it anymore. I've got my own family to think of (hardly babies at 16 and 18) and I just can't keep dropping everything to go round there. She's a bit off with me at the moment to be honest, but she really needs to start getting a grip"

"Gosh how sad and how upsetting for your friend. How long ago did it happen"?

I almost choked on my lasagne when she said "a week last Wednesday" This was nine days previous......

i said "No, I meant when did the lady commit suicide"

"Yes that's what I said, she did it a week last Wednesady"

Wow.....no wonder you're exhausted (thinking....not saying) you could do with another mini break with your friends. It must be three weeks since you went on your last one!

Think it's safe to say I've had my quota of help from her. Thanks!!

Just reading back over old posts I've written, always using humour and jokes to cover up just how c**P I'm really feeling. Why do I do that?

Well today is bad! I feel so terrified and alone, I am alone, I have no one. Sitting in my bag on the floor are five years worth of gambling losses detailed in bank statements. I'm scared to look at them. I can't believe what has happened, I keep crying! It's so sad to think that I have spent 23 years with someone who cared so little that he could simply walk out of my life like this. No word from him, not one! It's my daughter's birthday on Thursday. How could he be such a coward? I don't believe there is one gambling addict on this site who would walk out of their family home leaving a wife and two children (ok I told him not to come home....but still....) and make no effort to contact their wife. In his eyes I am worthless, not worthy of any kind of explanation.

I know this has broken my son's heart, he looks so sad, my daughter is a lot tougher and younger at 11 so she doesn't take as much in.

The cruelest thing was what he did to us just before I found out. He told me he was going to his brother's 50th in Hants in November. I said "oh great that will be nice for the kids to catch up with cousins" but he told me it was just an invite for him and his sister and that her husband or kids weren't going either. Of course this was a lie. The invite was for all of us but he didn't want us there. My son said "perhaps dad is ashamed of us"

Ive always made an effort to look nice, I'm slim, I think I'm a nice person and my kids are lovely. Honestly I feel so devastated by all of this I can't see a way of ever getting over the feeling of us being abandoned.

Please, please if you are a gambling addict and are thinking of gambling today then don't. Love your family, don't throw a grenade into their hopes and dreams because one day you will lose a lot more than your money. You will look back with such pain and know you lost the one and only thing that ever really mattered to you.

Hi It's not you, it's not how you look, it's not the kids. Secrets and lies. He doesn't want you to see his family because they might say something, you might say something and he is found out. The bank statements will torment you. From deductions you haven't had bailiffs at the door, have you? Have you a mortgage and contacted them? You could see if he'll come and talk? As you've said burying your head in the sand won't help. Look at the last month statements see what has been paid for regarding the house. Go from there. Good luck!

it certainly isn't you GMH

Three best things in your life right now?

Something that you will achieve by the end of September?

Thank you for your post ...got a bit wary when it was pointed out he may identify me. Think he just reads message and doesn't contribute but .

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how are things GMH?

Thank you for your post. Been really low but have taken first step to sort myself out. Contacted gamcare and they have signposted counseling. Hope your doing ok and things can only get better for us both

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GMH - how are you?

Hi there

Well it has been a few days/ week possibly, since I logged on here.

Homelife has been completely manic with doing pony stuff/daughter's birthday etc but that hasn't been the reason for my quiet spell.

I started to wonder if I should be here at all. Everything is so geared towards the cg that I considered I didn't really fit here somehow. My posts are so long and rambling as I struggle to convey how this has devastated us yet really it is a place for the cg. As a wife of you feel as though you don't actually fit in anywhere properly.

I will never forget the first time I reached out and called Gamcare and the first piece of advice was how to support him....not my children or myself but my husband who has wrecked our family.

However, reading on here last night I know it's a great place with great support and I need that and have missed it. Although it sits uncomfortably now knowing it's funded by the gambling industry. A bit like McDonalds fitting free gastric bands.

Hi Dan and everyone, I will begin a new thread and try to keep posts shorter.

I will start a new thread in family and friends entitled "Husband and in-laws reaction to the hurt he's caused our children"