This is my first time on here & I'm struggling to come terms with all this! My partner of four years has gambled his last penny with me! We have children together & I have a mortgage & bills like everyone to pay, we came to an agreement that everything in our life would be 50/50.... however this hasn't happened over the last year I'm working to support a family & he is working to support his addiction!
I have given him so many chances & threats to leave him but I honestly cannot afford to loose the house & everything ... Am I being selfish?
It started off with the odd football coupon at weekends now its online gambling and on machines in the bookies! hundreds & hundreds at a time. We agreed I would have his bank card (we have separate accounts) & I would control his money however he remember his bank number & register online on different sites... & if he couldn't do this he would go into the bank & tell them he forgot his card! If he didn't have the money sometimes he would go into the money shop & borrow some!
I cant deal with the lies , betrayal me & the kids are suffering! I do everything & beyond for him begged him to get help & all I get is yeah I will! I will prove u all wrong! never does!
When I find out about how much he spends in the bookies he says its my fault cos I did this or said that! I get blamed for his addiction.. is this right? I argue with him.. we fight constantly over money all the time he just doesn't understand! His mood & attitude towards me is disgusting! So a week ago I kicked him out he then threatened to kill himself I took pity on him & let him move back in! He agreed to change & all his wages would help towards dept. & nursery fee's & guess what it didn't he gambled every last drop and borrowed more! So that day was the end I finally ended it for good he has now moved out!
My question is have I done the right thing or do I let him bleed me dry & I loose everything I have worked for?
Sorry for rant I feel a little better for it because my emotions are up & down I forget why I left him I know he has problem but its effecting me & the kids extended family everyone !
Thank you x
HI MissBroken, welcome to the Forum; i'm hugely sorry that you are experiencing these problems my friend.
I gambled for twenty years before stopping over five years ago, so my take on this comes from that perspective - the good thing about this Forum is that it is open, and that you will receive positive and constructive feedback from all angles.
Firstly, you are not selfish - this is a situation that cannot continue and you have to put your children first - he may struggle to come to terms with that at the moment, but in time, he will likely know and accept that you did it for them, and for all the right reasons; you can only do so much without him wanting to help himself and get the help and advice he needs.
The reason he is treating you badly is because he is deflecting the responsibility of his own actions; by making you "the bad guy", it means he has an outlet for his frustrations - you are the one putting barriers in the way (quite rightly), and you are the only who refuses to believe what he says because of a relentless stream of deceit.
That said, i'm sure he is a good person without gambling in his life; I was deceitful, anxious, emotional, depressed, obsessed and much more when I was gambling - I am none of those things now and couldn't imagine being that way again. The problem is that, after a while, you not only forget who you truly are, other people do too and it can be a long road back.
You have most certainly done the right thing. He has a responsibility to prove himself and not have a detrimental effect on your finances and living circumstances - you can help, you can advise, you can still maintain some sort of relationship but he has to understand that you are not prepared to compromise your life to the extent that it has been - it is not right or fair, especially with two youngsters.
He also has a responsibility to seek help and make visible progress; if he is depressed and suicidal, or wants help to conquer this affliction, then there is help avaliable - if he chooses not to take advantage of that, then it is not your fault.
I have walked many, many miles in his shoes - my heart goes out to you, but it also goes out to him as well. No-one truly, honestly wants to live like this but he must come to terms with what he is going through, as well as accepting that winning money is effectively a form of mental poison to him - basically, all is does is make you crave more of the same; it is never about the money, it is about the euphoria you experience when you win; imagine if you won £500 on a scratchcard, imagine that unbridled joy you would feel - this is what compulsive gamblers want every hour, of every single day, even though it is impossible. If you lose, then a compulsive gambler faces soul-wrenching heartache and desperation to regain what he has lost, which invariably leads to losing. Other people can walk away - it doesn't affect them on anywhere near the same.
Keep your distance at the moment my friend as I said - let him into your life if you want to as I said, but he needs to make progress, you need to see it, and he needs to understand that you are no longer an option when it comes to money.
Don't be afraid to take a hard line my friend - people did with me and I eternally grateful they did; he may well do the same with you one day.
JamesP
JamesP that's fantastic well done & Thank you very much for your reply, I feel a little better I'm doing the right thing for all involved, I suppose long term I want him to change & be the person I used to like! So hard!
Thank you again
You're very welcome MissBroken and thank you for your kind words - they are sincerely appreciated.
He has the potential to be the person he used to be - no question.
If you want to maintain your relationship, then you have to establish a level of complete and absolutely honesty. Pride and shame both play their part - it is far from easy for someone to admit to having something in their life that they cannot control, but all of his cards are on the table now - he has no hiding place anymore.
Explain that you will be there for him, say that you are willing to plan a way forward, say that you can try to get him help and accompany him to GA but as far as your health, well-being, security and finances go, you are a closed door.
If you doubt yourself or feel guilty, then remind yourself that you are doing it for his long-term benefit. If he says he hasn't a problem, then he shouldn't have a problem proving it, if he says that he doesn't want any help, then you have done everything you possibly can.
JamesP
Hi. Sorry to read about your situation, I think you have done the right thing, I split with mine 5 months ago after 11yrs, I found out today that he'd lost another 20k and it just makes me realise I have done the right thing, yes it's hard without them But the general everyday things are so much happier, I put me and the kids first for a change. Not saying that he can't change but at least you can get stronger. Good luck. Xx
Hi MissBroken,
Just to say, if you do find out more about what he is feeling and experiencing, then please don't hesitate to share it here.
The more we know about what he going through, as well as what he is feeling and experiencing, the more we can help trying to get you both through this.
Hope today is a better day for you my friend, please take care.
JamesP
well 2weeks has passed my partner or ex not sure what it is anymore, he gets paid weekly, he owes me money for maintenance and swore come payday he would drop it off when he saw kids, well valentines day was hard for me as 1) its full of love and 2) payday for him! I got a phone call from a local number I had missed the call so I called it back & it was a cheque exchange in my local town they told me it was the wrong number but I knew what was happening!
Then at 7.30PM after planning a lovely evening in just me & kids I got a knock at the door, it was him tail between his legs nearly crying saying please let me in! I said no you was supposed to come tomorrow to see kids, I asked him if had the money he owes for his son and also money he owes me were not talking hundreds but I was relying on that for food! he said no its all gone! I told him to go away cos I was going to go mad! but the kids had seen him so I let him in, he had gambled his entire wages plus borrowed some from cheque place (that's why they called) he says its only £100 but I don't trust him never will! So he came in begged me for money to pay his rent! I said no cos I don't have it... anyway he ended up borrowing it from his mum! he then went home said it was the last time but I've heard all this before, come Saturday he went into work for overtime said he can pay everyone back, it seems he I obsessed with money, he also mentioned he gambled £50 and got it up to £1000 and then kept going till it was gone. He came shopping with me later on sat while I got a few bits remember he no longer lives with me and he was saying can you get this can you get me that?? I said no I cannot afford to feed you as well & he kept being nasty calling in my ear a f*****g cow... f*** you etc.... why am I always the one feeling the guilt!
So as the week goes on its like nothing has happened for him but in my head still going round & round!
I'm not sure what to do anymore is this going to be a weekly thing he gambles wages and then his mum bails him out or asks me till I crumble! Which I'm never going to do! Sorry rant over x
Hi miss broken
Your story to me is all too familiar. My life started like this 15 years ago only I never understood.
I ended the recurrent situation 3 weeks ago.
Almost annually bar a couple I've been thro this time and again, I'd threatened to leave or asked him to. We seperated for a few months in the hope that he'd hit rock bottom. He threatened suicide more times than I can remember. ( if they have to tell you they're gonna do it, they're not) it's all for effect.
There's the cycle .... Lie gamble lie get found out get angry apply blame get angry beg for money beg forgiveness be overly nice try and worm way back .... Then it starts all over again.
It's up to us to break that cycle if it's not one that makes us happy.
I'm now on a path with my children to find true happiness living an honest life with no lies no gambler and no debt collectors.
Good luck on your path xxx
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