hello all, I have just found out this evening that my partner has a gambling addiction and has lost a large sum of money. We have lived together for two years now, and the problem has allegedly been going on for "a few months" however, judging by what I'm reading on here I probably can't trust a lot of what I'm being told.
The good news is, he told me himself, rather than me finding out. I've been aware he plays poker online for the past year or so, the amount of time he spends playing drastically increased over that time and I've been under the impression he was always breaking even, and sometimes winning quite a bit of money. In reality he has revealed to me today that he has lost loads, exact figures I'm unsure of though. I had absolutely no idea he was putting so much money into it until today when he broke down and admitted he blows most of his wages each month as soon as he gets paid, then struggles the rest of the month. He says the issue is that he "keeps trying to win it back" each month and never does. But he seems extremely upset/ashamed and like he wants to stop
I feel shocked and sad and worried for the future because of the things I have now read on here. I'm so scared it's going to get progressively worse and ruin our relationship, and our lives.
Again the good news is that he has admitted his problem, and apparently he has not spent any of his savings, he has just stopped putting money into the savings. Again, I don't know how much of this is truth and it worries me. I'm also just scared that it's just the beginning and that eventually it will eat us up. The main thing that convinced me it's a really bad problem is that he was pouring his eyes out and was genuinely in a complete state of sadness and shame over all the money he has lost each month. I was extremely supportive but I did let him know it's not something I am willing to put up with. I work in a pub and a large proportion of the regulars are gamblers and it seems like a disease. I'm still so shocked it's been going on without me knowing.
I suggested he delete the apps, we're going to go through things tomorrow so any advice on starting out would be highly appreciated. I'm reading about website blockers, I did suggest that I take care of his funds but I don't think he would be up for that. Although I was extremely supportive and reassured him I still loved him and that we would work this out, im really feeling so defeated and upset and scared about what is to come. I don't want to leave him because I love and care about him but I couldn't put up with the emotional turmoil I've read from a lot of the partners of gamblers on here. the whole thing has made me extremely anxious and scared and I haven't been able to sleep tonight. Any help/support/advice on barriers I should expect would be great.
Thanks for reading x
Hi,
Sorry to hear that you're having such a bad time of it.
The key question is whether he wants to stop actively gambling and go into recovery. If he does, there's a lot he can do. He could install blockers - K9 or paid blockers on his computer. Blocking mobiles is more problematic, the best way to avoid temptation is a non Internet phone. He also needs to block his access to money, by handing over full financial control, by not using a Visa card. And he needs outside help, GamCare offers counselling but GA meetings are immediately available, multiple locations, the members understand gambling and with commitment it works.
But...no one can make him stop. It's his call, he chooses to gamble or he chooses recovery. You can't choose for him, you don't control him, you only control you.
If he doesn't stop, then you have some rock / hard place choices about whether you pay for his gambling (paying for essentials frees up his money to gamble), about what you tolerate, about whether you stay in the relationship.
Put your best interests first. Don't bail him out, don't take on debt for him.
Hope this helps,
CW
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