Just found out my partner is an addict. Should I expect him to come clean about all the lies?

Hi, so sorry you're going through this. I haven't much advice just wanted to say you're not alone and I'm sending you a virtual hug. I've only recently found out about my husband's gambling addiction and debt too. 

I've been in that much of a shock about it all and trying to sort the mess off debt he's caused that I haven't even really thought about all the lies. 

A couple things you've mentioned rings true for me, ordering things that just haven't turned up, losing money sitting about the house. Making whole conversations up to make you think what they are saying was true and how dare you suggest they'd do such a thing. 

Also feel like this has just ruined our whole life. The anxiety I've had since I've found out is through the roof. I've been physically sick and unable to eat. 

I also just wanted him to come clean about everything. Every single lie he's told. He has admitted to a few things only after being pressed about it and I let him know exactly how I felt regarding being made to feel guilty and crazy about accusing him of something he was actually doing. 

Should I have been making him feel worse probably not but I wanted him to see how much he's hurt me and our family. I wanted him to know how much of an impact his addiction has had on us as well as him. 

I think it'll be a long road to gain trust back. I've now took over the finances and he's put blocks on his phone so I'm hoping we're on the right track.

I'm here to listen if you want to talk or just need to vent as I know how stressful and lonely it feels. 

Ps whether he comes clean or not just know that you're not "crazy"

Hi @Avery, thanks for posting what is happening for you at the moment. It sounds really tough for both of you. Please do reach out for further support. We have a  Family & Friends Affected by Gambling Harms chatroom on Tuesdays at 12pm and Thursdays at 7pm,  Chatrooms - GamCare . You can also contact the helpline who can refer you through to services who can support you on a 1-2-1 basis, Gamcare 1-2-1 services also provide support to those affected by someone elses gambling.  0808 8020 133  Looking for support? - GamCare

All the best

Jane

This is the kind of response I’m fearing from my wife lol. Definitely seems to be a feeling that if someone comes forward with a drink or drug addition they get so much sympathy and support yet with gambling addiction it’s not dealt with the same level of support which is probably why gambling addicts lie and withhold things.

Hi Avery, 

From a gambling addict here who had to come clean to my partner a month ago I can confidently say this was one of the hardest conversations I have ever had if not the hardest. Looking him in the eye and telling him what I had done was horrific, the shame I felt took over me but luckily he was very supportive. I had lied in the past to him, it's what gabling addicts do because they know how bad this all looks and it can be very difficult to let down the person you love sometimes it seems easier to lie... (I know this isn't right but I'm speaking from the mind of a gamble here.)

I think the next important step is making sure he is serious about stopping. If you feel you can support him through his recovery and he is certain on making a change having you there could impact him in a really good way. Unfortunately though he has to be able to want to stop. Putting the exclusions in place is the best start. I'm unable to access any gambling websites for a year and physically cannot open them on my phone from the app that blocks these. 

On the other hand of things, this is your partners responsibility to take accountability for his addiction and it is understandable the impact this has had on your mental health. The most awful thing for a gambler is the pain you know your inflicting on others by your actions of lying and spending. I think it's best to explain to him it's all been a shock to you. If you are wanting to support him through this explain to him you both need a fresh start with all of this, you need to know that he is wanting going forward to make these changes and to show you he is and in return you will both leave the past in the past and move forward if you feel you can do that. 

I am sorry you are going through this, it's an awful addiction and most gamblers cannot even give a reason why they do it, it's an impulse. The only way through it is by seeking help I feel. 

@vujesp0ryd Hi, following on from my previous response it can be terrifying coming clean to a partner. I came clean to my partner and he was super supportive. Shocked - but very understanding. He explained that it's best to leave the past in the past as long as I am serious about getting help and stopping. Explain to your wife you have already been seeking help which you are just from logging onto this site. Show her you have exclusions in place. She may be shocked at first and upset but most partners/family members do want to give you that support.

@oapwniz1f2 thank you for your response. I really appreciate it. It's easy to feel very alone when something like this happens. I feel like an idiot for ignoring the signs. 

I'm hopeful to support him and move forward together I just need to figure out how to do that without risking mine and my children's stability. 

@qv4j0ef5i1 thank you. It's really helpful hearing from someone with an addiction.

I really want to try understand where his head is at could have been at in the past. It's really difficult to see all the damage he's caused and decisions he's made which from the outside seem avoidable.

It helps hearing from addicts to see how the disease impacts thinking. I do understand that he never meant to hurt me. It's just difficult to understand how to safeguard myself against hurt in the future! Maybe I can't completely abd it's about living with that risk??

Hope you're doing well and getting the love, patience and support you need and deserve. 

@jh4von1ekm Unfortunately addicts can't always explain where there heads at to do such things over and over. In the moment all rational thoughts are out the window, impulses take over its only after the damage has been done that we can look at the situation and think 'how on earth did I let that happen?'. I have asked myself this so many times, still can't pin point what on earth makes me do it, I know its no good, I know the wins aren't 'real' I know the damage it can cause yet I've still done it? I'm trying to learn more about what it is that triggers me to do this, haven't yet figured that out... Your partner could be the same. 

I'm hoping with the online support and counselling I can work it out perhaps, counselling would be good for your partner? 

It might be best for you to also speak to an advisor, get some counselling from your side regarding it so you can express your emotions towards his gambling and also get advice on how to deal with it from a partners view. 

You could maybe let your partner know that your going to need that reassurance to know he's getting help and stopping to help you to move on also and in time hopefully that trust will come back and you will notice from him speaking to you regularly about getting help that the is making them changes. Like any addiction its difficult to work out if there is still a risk of relapse, but isn't that like everything in life. 

@jh4von1ekm  That's the hard thing isn't it, it makes it more difficult when there's children involved as you need to keep it together for them and have that "normal" aspect to life.

I'm also hopeful in supporting him now he's owned up and taking responsibility. Can't help blame myself too as I also ignored a few signs but again the lies convinced me I was overthinking, but we can't change the past. I think going forward I just need to trust my instincts and call him out on it if any issues arise before it gets out of control.

I hope we can both give them the support they need whilst navigating a more stable future. Unfortunately we can't fix everything for them.