I have just thrown my partner out of the house after finding out he has been smoking weed and CG for 6 months after not doing it for 11 months. I was completely oblivious and felt very safe and secure with him for the first time in a long time.
He cleared up his credit and we bought a house together, we have only lived here one month and here i am sat here on my own crying my eyes out and wondering what i can do.
He has been betting "within his means" even thought i abhore any gambling, and he has paid his way in terms of the house. This is not me justifying anything, i am just stating the facts to get some good advice. I went to GA with him last year, frequently openly ask him if he had a slip and support him in all the ways i can, including helping him tell his family.
This is the first relapse since i intially found out and i am utterly heartbroken. I feel like our whole relationship has been a lie and that he has trapped me into getting this house with him. If my family knew i was here alone there is no doubt they would cut him off and strongly encourage me to leave him. I did not tell them last time as i felt it would influence my decision.
One of the things i am most angry about is that he is now in turn making me a liar. I am lying to my family telling them he is late in from work and trying to be as "normal" as possible, to protect myself from my own decisions and to protect them from what he has done.
I have spoken to him once to assertain whether he has told me everything, he owes £800 and has been lying for 6 months (while we were buying the house).
I can't believe that this has happened, but somehow i don't see myself leaving him. I know i have the strength to leave and i am lucky enough to have somewhere to go, but i still see the good in him. He has never been abusive other than lying and when the truth comes out he is pathetic then relieved - which makes me feel even worse as i feel like he is ok while my world is falling apart.
I want to hear from women who made the decision to stay and those who have not - what can you tell me that i don't already know?
I am scared that by leaving him i am giving up on my love, but i fear looking back on my life and knowing i put myself in this situation and god forbid, children in the future.
Please help me.
Morning,
Sorry to hear what's happened. The three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it.
Some plain but well intentioned speaking: I think it's time for you to have a good hard look at you (that's YOU, not him). As the Anon groups say, keep the focus on you. Think very carefully about what you want from your life. In particular, think about what you want from a life partner and to quote Cardhue, what your values are. Your OH is not abusive apart from being dishonest and doing something that you abhor? Is that enough to meet your needs and expectations of your relationship? What sort of basic respect is he showing you? What sort of respect are you showing you? Are you being honest with yourself? Is this really better than no partner? Everyone is human, but there's a difference between inevitable human flaws and the abuse dished out by an active addict.
Less comfortably, if you are attracted to someone who needs to be saved from themselves and to be mothered and indulged, why that is the sort of person who attracts you? Do you really want someone who is pathetic when he's found out? Does this meet a need in you (otherwise, why bother?) and is such a need healthy?
His gambling isn't a harmless hobby. It's an addiction that will get worse as it progresses. He can't win because he can't stop. The "only lying" increases so that you can't rely on anything he says, in our case the dishonesty included stealing from me and the children, at the extreme he can have you out on the streets as his desperation to fund it increases and the money that should be for the inevitable mortgage arrears gets gambled.
I would advise you to read as much as possible of both sides of the forum so you know what you're dealing with. Go to GamAnon meetings, they're a group of people in the same position. And it's not a good idea to keep the secret, gambling thrives on secrecy and bailouts. You don't like lying so don't: tell your family, get the support but ask them to let you make your own decisions.
Finally, protect yourself financially. Get credit reports so that you can see the state of the debt and rely on statements, these reports etc and not what he says. Don't have any money of yours that you wouldn't want him to gamble in joint names, tell the bank that you don't authorise gambling expenditure from your account.
Look after you.
CW
Hi I am a CG, firstly I want to say I feel for you, the pain of finding out that someone you love, has been gambling behind your back who you thought you knew 100%, must really really hurt. I am on the other side of the fence I am the one who will at some point have to own up for his actions to his family/partner. I am also really hurting, as yet I have not hurt anyone else except my self financially, but I have decieved my partner because I have told her that I have quit this awful addication, for that I hate myself, I have never felt so low because I really love her, the depression from lack of money and also the deceipt is incredible. You say he is pathetic when the truth comes out, maybe, but he is probably so anxious and frightened of telling you the truth he comes across as pathetic, I know I do and I am appearing weak in some of my posts on here. Life will go on for both of you, together or apart, does he really love you?, did he appear that way when he was on his knees begging for forgiveness. You have to work out whether he is a good person or not, I believe I am, I have never missed a day's work in 40 years, my children went for nothing when they were at home, I have no debt, I own my own home, I have no criminal record, my credit score is A1: but I was a bit bored so I started gambling in 2009, and it's been a massive downward spiral, that's what ne needs to check before it becomes to late. You both sound young enough to turn this around, I wish you both the best.
Very interesting to hear from all sides of a CG and how brutal this addiction is.
I came clean years ago when with my girl and it was the hardest thing i done..i was pathetic...i was desperate ...i was a mess emotionally and financially but because i loved her i showed her all my statements...gave her all my bankcards and cash and lived like a child for as long as it took.
If hes determined he will do alllllllll it takes to win your trust and you must be strict enough to be cruel to be kind. Draw a line
I have told my mum a version of the truth (she isn't well and i can't make it worse). I feel a bit better, i have told a friend and i have also told his boss, someone who we both admire a lot.
She talked everything through with me today and i have not let him back in the house. I haven't decided what to do yet but for the first time during this whole horrible deceit i am putting myself first.
Thank you for all your advice, apart from the mortage which is in both our names (and can't be borrowed against) all of my finances are my own and he gives me 90% of his money to cover his half and this hasn't changed. I have savings protected and his debt is his own. Today, he has self excluded today from local bookmakers and he has also been to ask for CBT, he hates gambling and tells me he feels sick at himself win or loose. I cannot understand it, but i am not a CG.
I would never risk my own money or that given to me by my parents to someone who is compulsive.He is a good person but his addiction has made me hate him at times. I am making sure i don't rush my decision and i am also making sure he feels the true consequence of his actions for the first time. (His parents, boss and my family all know)
I know recovery is possible but i don't know if it is worth it.
I hope to hear from more of you as i work this out.Thank you so much for your words, i feel less alone.
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