My husband has a gambling problem, which he admits, but can't stop himself. As soon as he recieves his wages the whole lot is gone within less than 24 hours.
I am so tired of the same talks every month, the same struggle with bills and everything else. I have not got a clue what I can to do to help him.
We have three children and we never have the money to do all the fun stuff that families do. I have to constantly save and use my credit card to be able to take the children out for the day. We both work and we just never have the money.
I honestly love him and I am struggling to help him, he's a great dad and lovely person. Last night I did get frustrated with him as he recieved his bonus and was gone within a couple of hours. I even spoke to him about saving the money as we need it for the month, but he carried on gambling until he was overdrawn and then decided to use his credit card. This was after we had already spoke about his wages being gambled away. It's getting to the point where rent, bills, food and everything else is up to me to sort out.
He always uses the excuse that he needs to win his money back. I advised him that this made no sense and showed him proof that when he does win, he's still lost money.
I understand that gambling is an illness. I spoke to him about getting help from GA but he does'nt want to go. He did transfer money to me one month after an argument, where I had control over his money but that only lasted the one month. A couple of months ago, he got angry that I would not transfer him money, after he gambled all of his, so he could gamble. He went upstairs and gave me the silent treatment.
I have tried talking with him, but that just makes me angrier every month. It feels like we are just stuck on repeat. He just looks guilty, says he sorry and gives me the excuse that we need the money. I do give him money for petrol so he can get to work through the month, but I don't feel that this is helping him realise how bad the situation is. I am really upset about this, I can't talk to my family about this as they would get involved and it would cause arguments. I am really tired and I am at the point where I just work out the bills and not rely on his income.
Any advice would be great.
Hi Hannahb, welcome to the forum 🙂
I'm so sorry to hear another sad story of how selfish we become in action but if he won't get help for himself, there's nothing you can do except get help for you. The best way if you aren't ready to lean on family would be to get to a GamAnon meeting where you will meet other friends & loved ones who have walked in your shoes & can offer you vital support as you figure out how much of this intolerable behaviour you are prepared to tolerate. The helpline may also be a good starting point (they can provide counselling for either or both of you) & there are live chats every day (you'll need to check times) which may help you with immediate questions.
My advice would be to separate yourself financially as far as possible & stop making up his shortfall (although I get how impossible this can feel as my mum is an addict too), he needs to feel the consequences of his actions because @ the moment, he is having his cake & eating it. Arming yourself with facts about this, cutting off his 'spare' supply & getting support yourself should show him you are serious & may help him see that he needs to accept help before he loses everything.
It's an unhealthy environment for you & your children so looking out for you is vital as you try & figure out your next steps. Sorry it's a short one. Just wanted to welcome you & I'm sure others will be along soon with more solid advice.
For what it's worth, this is on him so be strong & reach out for anything you need to make this easier on you - ODAAT
Hi
I'm sorry to see this. He doesn't want to stop. If he did there are things he could do which would eliminate his access to cash and gambling with immediate effect but from your post he hasn't suggested or even considered doing any of them. You're the one taking on the stress, worry and financial juggling. That's completely wrong but it will continue all the time you let it.
It's not in your interests to be too understanding. A CG will lie, deceive, manipulate and tell us what we want to hear then be right back at it without batting an eye. There is help and support available to him from Gamcare counselling to GA meetings where he will get all the understanding he needs from people who get it in a way we never will. Not wanting to go is a cop out. If he wanted to stop he'd be exploring every avenue he could to help him do just that.
Standard advice is to take on full financial control including full access to credit reports (all three agencies) and anything else you need to see but as he's not ready to give up it's pretty likely you will face all sorts of battles to achieve this. Protect your own interests and finances and read as much as you can about the addiction. Get RL support from family if you need it even if it does cause arguments and have a look into Gamanon for further support. Think hard about what you and the children want, need and deserve from a partner. Until he's ready to give up for himself and not for anyone else he won't be that person.
Thank you Odaat and Lethe for taking the time to reply to me.
I have researched online about CG and have looked at numerous sites. I literally feel tired, alone and angry.
Hopefully by me attending a GA meeting, it will show him his gambling is a serious problem for us. He has been gambling for years but has now escalated over the past year, as far as i'm aware. I think what aggravates me the most is that he says 'he knows' and 'sorry' and looks upset and guilty yet does exactly the same thing every month or when he has cash. It just feels like a roof over our childrens head and food in the house is secondary to the gambling.
Still, thank you both for for taking the time to read this post and replying.
Morning,
Sorry to read of your situation but as the others have said above, nothing will change for you until you start to make changes in you and your responses. Very hard but best done. I made the mistake of seeking peace at any cost but it wasn't real peace, it was appeasement in a Chamberlain sort of a way which solved nothing, it merely allowed the gambling to continue, not recommended. It resulted in dysfunction, not peace.
You haven't Caused the gambling, you can't Control the gambling and you can't Cure the gambling. He's placing the bets, only he can stop. Not by will power but with a combination of barriers, meetings and counselling. But he ain't going to bother unless he feels the discomfort that you are shielding him from. He's quite free to gamble his wages whilst you pay for everything, you might protest but you are making sure that his needs are met. The secrecy is helping him, you're isolated from possible support but no one else is telling him that he has a problem. And sorry, but he's not a great dad and a lovely guy whilst actively gambling because his actions and behaviour towards you and the children are neither great nor lovely. He's not providing for his family, he's not taking responsibility as an adult and he's giving the gambling the time and energy that he should be giving to his family. It's painful but worth asking yourself: why is this good enough for you?
The starting point for you is to get help for you to cope with your present situation. GamAnon helps me enormously, I'd also recommend counselling. Read round the forum and educate yourself about addiction.
Keep the focus on you and what you and the children need. Take care.
CW
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