Just need to tell someone

Hi As67

im really sorry to hear about his relapse. It's really cruel. I felt the same as you last week- I found out that after consolidating his debt to make it 'manageable' my husband trebled his outstanding debt on his credit card to twice it's limit. I too thought we were getting somewhere. I felt so low but like you say you find the strength from somewhere to just get on with life. I think you continue with the tough love, stand firm, and try to get back to some kind of normality for you. Are you still having counselling? Can I ask you a question? I told my CG's mother last week and as yet she hasn't rung him. I find that really odd. I've told her to ring him to offer support but I'm guessing she's very annoyed by his actions and is putting it off. Is there any advise from a mums point of view I can pass on? I hope things improve for you.

Hi, both,

Am v sorry to hear your bad news, CG's behaviour is v cruel, for me, the lies are the worst.

I hope they both take steps towards barriers and GA / counselling but if not, some rock/ hard place choices for you. You don't have a choice about whether or not they gamble but you can choose whether to let them stay in the family with you (rent free) whilst they do it. And about whether to let them drag you down with them. Get all the help that you can for yourselves.

My husband and his parents are avoiding each other, they've not contacted each other, his parents are v distressed and embarrassed. Am hoping that in time GA will prod him into phoning them but still early days.

Look after yourselves and I hope things improve.

CW

Hi Katiecola

Thanks for getting back to me.

Yes this is rubbish, and feels very cruel, I wonder if my son and your husband know just how much hurt they are causing.

I bet you really had the wind knocked out of you when you found out what he'd done, I know my mind races," surely he wouldn't"," is it a mistake"," am I imagining it all", then cold hard reality kicks in and your heart sinks all over again.

I am still having counselling and it is one of the best things Ive ever done, sounds a bit dramatic but I think its helped me keep my sanity. My counsellor is wonderful I get to say all those things I cant or dont want to say to anyone else, and she really gets everything I say to her. Its a relief to know Im not going mad with everything Im feeling, its all normal living with a gambler.

I find it unsual that a mother would not want to help her son no matter how old he is, at the very least a phone call just to say hello. I would say that if hes been gambling for a long time and she knew about it then is it possible shes thinking, oh no not again, and she either cant face it or is too angry. There have been moments when Ive said I just dont want to know any more I couldnt handle it but it hasnt lasted long and Mum instinct kicked in and Ive wanted to know where he is and hes safe. Id guess that she will get in contact soon shes just trying to get her head around what she wants to say. I would say dont call her again, she knows and its up to her what she does, you dont need the extra stress of wondering what shes thinking or doing.

Ive suprised myself today Im not angry, usually would be by now but Im not, I just feel really sad and frustrated, trying hard not to think about anything in particular. We'll get back to normal tomorrow, havent got any choice, but its so d*m hard some days.

Hi cynicalwife

We do have some decisions to make, need to sit down properly with my husband this weekend to see where we go from here. I would also like to talk to my counsellor later this week to get her thoughts on a few things. I know we are going to have to get tough again with him, and I already know hes less than happy, but it needs doing. I do need a couple of days break first though, it doesnt half take it out of you living with a CG

Take care ladies, hope you both good weekend and enjoy some of this lovely weather x

I've been in a similar position (from the gambling son's viewpoint, I'm not a mother!)

It's an impossible situation. I can only tell you what I feel from a personal experience - I'm not offering advice, only insight (hopefully!)

In a strange way your son sees you as unconditional safety. He can screw up in the world, gamble his life and future away, all safe in the knowledge you'll always be there for him with a bed and a cup of tea.

It's a perversion of the natural order. Without gambling, that is a great way to think, a safety net. But as a compulsive gambler that cushioning is not helpful and is being abused.

I think tough love is necessary.

Tell him that you'll always love him but until he faces his issues and stops trying to deny reality then he can't use your house as free hostel.

Harsh, but in a strange way I needed love and emotional support, not enabling through never having to face the consequences of my actions by always having my folks to skulk back to.

It's a really difficult situation to find yourself in and you sound like a truly caring and wonderful mum. Be strong.

Respect.

Molehole x

Hi as67

I am so sorry that your son has had a relapse... it is such a rocky road managing this addiction. As we have discussed my son is finally in Ga but just recently had a relapse. When it happens it feels like you never left the addiction. He is back in GA but I can totally relate to your feelings of being so disappointed ... Will this never end!!

Unfortunately the attitude comes with the gambling even with "clean" time. They are like 2 completely different people. Hopefully he gets back into some recovery. You are doing everything you can and its just so frustrating and disappointing! You just want to scream at them to wake up and look at what they are doing to themselves, their future and everyone around them. We have all tried it and sadly it doesn't do a thing! You are doing well coming on here and venting!

My heart goes out to you as67... Stay the Course!!

Love and Hugs

Cathy

Hi

Thanks Amom

Sorry to hear your son has had a relapse, I dont think a relapse will ever get any easier. I hope he continues in his recovery and GA keeps him right.

You describe it all so well, my son is 2 differerent people, monster when hes in gambling mode and polite young man when hes not and he can flick between the two quickly. And oh my word have I wanted to scream at him, have done a few times in the past, I cant decide some days if I what to scream at him or shake him but like you say its pointless. Thanks for letting me have a moan here, its days like this that make me feel so lonely and its good to be reminded Im not on my own.

Love and Hugs back to you too 🙂

Molehole

Thank you for input.

I really didnt think we were enabling my son, we dont give him money and we tell him he has to face the consequences of his actions. Having said that he continues to run away from a lot of things, we say anything that makes him uncomfortable and he goes and hides in his room or goes out, anything to avoid us. He did seem to be making progress, he was poilte and going to counselling, big change in his attitude until the last week when we told him to sort his debts, and sure enough thats when it went down hill.

We have been using tough love for quite a while and when he was told he could come home it was on the understanding that it would by our rules or no deal, he was happy to accept that. I can see now that some of that has slipped, my husband says we are too nice now and need the tough love back and I agree. What you say makes sense I just didnt see it, so thank you for pointing it out.

Hi as67

You have definitely got to stay on the tuff love course.

He is still hiding from the reality of debts that his gambling has caused. They will not magically go away as we all know. Upsetting as this is for him, it is his mess, and he will have to face up to it eventually.

He is behaving like a child at the moment. If he has no job, how does he pay his debts? How does he pay you rent? It's not an unreasonable request of yours for a contribution from him. Life is not a free ride.

Do not sway from any rules / boundaries that you have set. If you do, it will be a sign of weakness, and he will try to get away with more and more.

Take care

Thanks Wal1957

He was doing so much better so I think we just presumed it would continue and we wouldnt have to be quite so tough. However he has proven yet again that any time we show any kind of weakness he uses it to his advantage and tries to sweet talk us, well me in particular. I feel a bit foolish for letting my guard down, but its a lesson learned, he hasnt really done anything to warrant our trust yet.

He still hasnt shown any remorse yet and is still being very selfish. Im told by my counsellor that remorse comes quite a way along the line for him so we are to be patient and he'll get there. I think thats why maybe we eased off a little on the tuff love, but I cant help think stuff this Im sick of feeling like we are walking on egg shells and its all about him.

We have spoken to him this morning and said pretty much word for word what you said, and that its going to be our way wether he likes it or not. He did try and have a cheeky remark back but was put firmly in his place and told if you dont like it you know where the door is. I dont have any hesitation to carry that out if need be, we ve done it before and can do it again.

Im actually more relaxed about it today than I thought I would be after this set back, yesterday I was really upset but, Im over that now. Im sick of being made a fool of, sick him behaving like a spoiled child and have definetly got my tough parent head on again.

Thanks again Wal I always appreciate your advice 🙂