I am a young woman and I've known about my partner's problem for a while. I've been supportive and have put time and energy into just being there for him. We live in separate cities and he told me the urge was back. I asked him almost on a daily basis how he was doing. He told me he would call me whenever the urge was there so we could just chat and maybe it would pass.
He has just told me that he has been actively lying to me for the past few weeks. He was not getting support, he took out a large loan and gambled it all. He has lost all the money he said he would save for us to get our own place. He has asked me to forgive him and stay with him.
Throughout all this time I have been gentle. Perhaps I am naive as I have never dealt with this type of addiction before? This time I told him that the lying has ruined my trust in him. He is a good man and I love him a lot, but it terrified me to find out the lengths he would go to decieve me.
I am young, professional, unmarried and without children. We were planning to move in together in the next year and we talk about starting a family. I am scared that I will have to be the sole provider if we did have a family, and he has demonstrated how easy it is for him to decieve me.
I love him but I have enough self-esteem to get out of a toxic situation and as yet do not have any dependents or commitments. I'd really appreciate some guidance from any partners who have been through it. Is there something you wish you knew right at the beginning of your journey? Thanks
Hi, Skhan
Sorry to hear what's happening to you but if you read these friends and family posts, you'll be well informed and able to make your decision.
I was clueless for sixteen years and naive for another three before I found out the hard way. The cash losses are like the Greek debt and our family have had a much lower standard of living than we would otherwise have done. The betrayal now is a mountain to get over but I can't walk away v easily.
Life with an active compulsive gambler is to be avoided at all costs. With a CG who puts in the effort to go into recovery and stay there, life involves his continued attendance at GA and you being in full and total control of the finances. He can't be trusted with money or credit, all assets go in your name, you monitor his post and his credit reports, you hide all passwords and credit and bank cards. Anything else - non financial - you can trust him in full.
Your decision as to whether you want such a life.
Best wishes,
Cynical Wife
Thankyou so much. I have a lot to think about and to weigh up. It's difficult because he is such a great man and would make a wonderful father 🙁
Hi, Skhan,
No active CG or addict can be a good father. My husband is not a bad father on the face of it but it didn't stop him clearing out his children's savings whilst living the lie. Now the whole family are having to come to terms with the discovery of what he's done, to try to forgive him and to respect him. My younger daughter says that she's never going to get married because her father has told so many lies. It might pass but what can I say to her that sounds convincing?
Think long and hard and know the realities before taking him on. You can't save him from himself, he has to want recovery and be committed to staying there and it's not easy for anyone involved.
Best wishes,
CW
Hi Skhan
If I were you, I would certainly not be thinking about getting involved any deeper (i.e. having a family / buying a house) until you know if he is committed to changing and you have the evidence (actions speak louder than words). I would want that security for a long time before even considering a future together. I leant the hard way and am currently divorcing my husband as I didn't see the commitment to change that I needed to see. He too is a great man but being with a CG is not the life I wanted. Tried as I did, nothing could make him change. If I had known what I know now, I have to say, sad as it is, I would probably not have married him in the first place. Sorry if this sounds harsh but this is a big committment you are making and I think you need to go into it with your eyes wide open if that's the path you choose.
Best of luck
Orchid
Thanks to all of you for being so honest and open, everything I read here is being added to the equation of what I decide to do. I still feel sad and scared, but a lot less clueless now.
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