Hello, I'm not the gambler I'm the partner, I'm trying to keep it together and support my partner who has lied, stolen and ran up debts, I can't understand why he has done this, he says it's not the rush of winning/ gambling but it's the greed of wanting more money, which hasn't worked, then it's the trying to win to pay back loses, this happened a few year ago then nothing until recently, I found out about maxed out credit cards I didn't know existed, last time I said if it happened again he would lose us and the family would be split, now it's happened again I feel like we have been put aside no consideration given, second best, I feel worthless and like we mean nothing, yep sounds pretty selfish doesn't it? But I work 40+ hours a week, paying loans back from last time it happened, he has (or I thought) no access to money he has stole thousands from me and from the kids were supposed to get married in 7 weeks I just don't know what to do, I can't stop crying, I want to support him the best I can but he snaps at me and turns it all round onto me, I've got the stress of 2 more maxed out credit card to sort aswell now I don't know how I can help him, I've restricted his phone, he is waiting for a call back arrange to exclude himself from all the bookies but I can never trust him again, all the lies I can't start married life like this, sorry for the long post.
Sorry to hear this. Starting point is the three Cs: you didn't Cause the gambling, you can't Control the gambling and you can't Cure the gambling. He is placing the bets and only he can stop placing the bets. As you've found out the hard way, you can't stop for him.
There's quite a lot you can do to help yourself but it does require your goal posts to be moved.
The gambler will play as long as someone else pays. You working to cover his debt doesn't actually help anyone. Certainly not you, and taking away the consequences of what he's doing doesn't help him. We f&f have all bailed out at first but we learn that it doesn't address the gambling and each episode is worse than the last until we can't afford it, either. The best advice is to return the buck to him. His debt is his responsibility and not your problem. So no, you don't have the stress of two more cards. It's his stress, he should address it without taking it out on you.
You need to protect yourself financially. No joint accounts or loans, get legal and financial advice as required. You may consider opening an account in your name for family outgoings, in which case he needs to contribute his fair share and you shouldn't share PINs or passwords.
Mainly, the best advice is to move the focus onto you and keep it there. Get help from GamAnon and GamCare helpline and forum to help you cope with the effect this is having on you. Think about what you expect from your life, from a life partner and what your needs are. These are big questions but your life is about you, not him.
Look after you.
CW
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