This is my first time I've had to use this site, but I feel at the end of my tether and hope maybe someone can help me through this time.
I've just discovered now for the second time since Christmas that my partner has a severe gambling issue. It all began before the New Year, the occasional flutter on a Saturday accumulator, which has since escalated to in excess of £1,000 down the drain on various gambling mobile apps. I could perhaps slightly understand this alien issue to me if this was an addiction following success, but a single penny has never been won. Along with the devastation of the huge loss of money, I have to deal with the fact it was rarely his money he was gambling, it was mine. He had registered my card and was using my hard earned money to fund his habit. An even heftier blow to take was that I had given birth to our son in January.
I confronted him at the beginning of February, asking him time and time again if it was starting to become and issue, which he flatly denied, no of course it wasn't. Until one day he finally admitted the addiction. I had no choice but to cancel my debit card. He asked me to confiscate his card and take control of our money. Grasping at straws, I made him make an apptointment at the GP. He was in and out of the surgery in 5 minutes after the doctor telling him " she didn't know what to suggest" and simply giving him a number for a helpline. Whether he called that number I'll never know.
Now two months later, I've discovered he has started gambling again, if he ever stopped in the first place. Again, it's not huge amounts at any one time, but £10, £25 again and again and again. After receiving my annual bonus which I bent over backwards for, I have nothing to show for it. My maternity pay to care for our son, gone. I have paid every single household bill for months while I'm not even "earning" as he has wasted his own money. I now feel like I'm at a total crossroads. What am I more upset about, the loss of money, the lies? He had obviously gone behind my back to carry on with the betting and also take time to register my new card details. The bottom line is, he has STOLEN from me. And ultimately stolen from my son. He has also robbed me of the time I can now spend with my baby as I'll have no choice but to return back to work and I'll never get those precious moments back. I can handle being let down myself, my feelings pale in comparison, but letting my whole family, who have taken him in as their own, and letting down my child is the thing that makes my blood boil.
I've always put him first and done everything I feel I could to help and I now feel at a total loss. He seems to show no remorse, I don't think I've heard the word sorry. His attitude towards me has been so hostile, like I'm the one in the wrong. And the will to keep me and his son in his life has seemed to all but fade, which makes me wonder whether he really wants to help himself get out of this situation. Am I just fighting a losing battle?
Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
Amy x
Hello Amy
I'm one of those gamblers so you know
I can't help but feel for you reading your story
Yet I caused the same damage in my own family
I'm sure you've read many of the other posts on here and will get that gambling addiction isn't a simple illness. It affects people in different ways.
What I have learnt is its not just a case of stopping. I wish it was.
I've needed to accept help from everywhere - the doctors, counselling, family, friends, social groups, GA and many other places.
My only suggestion would be to keep an open mind.
My family stayed with me and helped me through my illness and they still support me now. They understand that gambling addiction is very powerful but that there is hope.
Have you sought help yourself? Contacted gamcare?
Keep posting Amy
Keep in touch
Triangle
Hi Amy
I sympathise so hugely with you. I only found out my husband had a gambling "addiction" as people like to call it (I don't buy the idea of it being an addiction) when my daughter was 8 months old and we were really far into the process of buying a house. I guess at least I got to spend my maternity leave to that point with no financial concerns, poor you having that happen so early. Time is so precious and my husband has taken a lot of mine as I now have to work much harder than I would have before.
that's the problem with gamblers tho, the only person they can see is them and they are ultimately selfish people. Even a new life who depends so hugely on their caregiver isn't enough to change them. We have to change our entire lives and they continue to think about number 1. I have told my husband 1 more gamble and we're done, he'll be down the contact centre. We live apart at the moment while I decide on our future and it feels amazing taking back control of my life. He had the power for so long, but I now have it back. He has to prove himself to me for a good while yet and I need to decide to if I can move on with the lies. For what it's worth he is a really good dad now and is trying really hard to grow up and prove himself to me. He has done counselling and goes to GA and I have been to gamcare myself which was really beneficial. He has nothing to show for his life (except our beautiful girl) at nearly 40. How sad is that. I wish you well whatever you decide, I decided there and then that whatever else I did I needed to protect me and my daughter and that he could fend for himself. He never thought about me so why torture myself over him. The rest is up to him, but then I am a stubborn person as he now knows and stick with what I decide. I wouldn't even have given him the time of day had he done this 2 years ago, but that's hindsight and I had no knowledge or warning. Talk about wolf in sheeps clothing. I hope your baby provides you with as much solace as mine has done for the last 9 months. I can never regret my relationship with a gambler as I have been given the most precious gift ever but I won't allow him to destroy me ever again and I get to see her every morning and night. He lives in a rented room so that's karma in itself.
Hi Amy
Your diary reads very similar to my life
I've been married to a gambler for too many years. We have 3 children 19, 11 and 9 and I too feel like my children and I have been robbed
Robbed of holidays, days out, time and robbed of our future security.
I've supported him throughout his military career giving up my home family and job to be able to keep our family together on each and every posting and all I got in return was lies debts and more lies.
He used to tell people I was controlling over his money or that I was a bit** about him going out rather than admit to him not having any money - he lied to everyone.
I found out a few years after we got married that our wedding day was paid for on borrowed money from a friend cos he'd gambled away the wedding fund. Life went down hill from there really.
I look back on the years wasted with only 3 hi-lights. My children.
I wish I'd left when they were little and would never have known the damage their father would go on to do. They'd never have been hurt year after year nearly every year of their lives by me giving him "1 last chance"
I wish you strength and courage for your future. Some cg's really can change while others just don't want to. I married the latter!
I am now making it on my own 2 weeks on, it's not easy but it's a d**n site better than wondering when he's gonna drop his next bombshell x
Shellyb
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