You lot must be sick of me posting here.
Another day, another drama.
I can't stand anymore.
His free bet has lost on the tennis, which he said he wasn't going to gamble on anymore. We have had shouting, ranting, slamming doors, punching walls and doors, throwing cushions and blaming me. All this was supposed to be stopping. It's my fault he can't bet with more money. It's my fault he can't get things he needs and wants...because he has got no money. Why should he change when I'm not? He's seen no improvement from me in seven weeks apparently. Classic transferral of blame from him to me. If I don't like it I can get out. I phoned his dad to try and get him to talk some sense into him but he refused to talk to his dad. His dad heard him saying this to me and all he can say is that things would never change and I said I told you all this weeks ago and no one listened and now I'm stuck with him.
I can't bear it anymore. He has slipped right back over the last 4 weeks especially. I can't begin to love him when this is the way it is. I had to try. I had to give him the chance to change. He hasn't taken it. His gambling means more to him than me. Than his family. I just don't know what to do. I'm so stuck with no way out. Back to locking myself away crying away from the kids. I'd be better off dead. This is no life at all.
Hi, S&L,
Get help for you!!! Now!!! By phone. If you don't feel safe with his threats, that's violence enough. Call the police or social services or the council's housing department and tell them what you're telling us.
Why are the choices between being with him and leaving the children to his tender mercies? Take the third choice, help yourself.
Time for you, you matter. Go for it.
Rooting for you,
CW
This is not a life either you or the kids should be subjected to...Take the kids & run again! You tried to do it his way, now time to do it yours! I echo everything CW has said & what I have posted before but in the meantime, if coming here helps, keep coming here! It doesn't matter how many posts you make but nothing is going to change until you change it! He is a liar & a bully don't let him destroy you!
You're stronger than you know! You did it before, do it again! Your life matters!
No No No. Sad and lonely you are not better off dead at all, you need help to leave him, you have tried it's not working. Keep coming on here and let it out. Don't let this be become a way of life for you or your kids xx
It's never going to get better.
I know that.
He is twisting everything I say.
I give up. He wants to win, he can win. I've nothing left to give.
He is refusing to let me go to bed until we have it out. I don't want an argument. That's why I haven't got involved in one for the last few weeks while things have been going downhill. I have a nerve dismissing and trashing all the hard work he has done in last 4 weeks of counselling. He has said allsorts to me tonight. I have called him a manipulative b*****d. He has told me he has recorded things I've said to use against me and if I try to take him down he will take me with him but I will have nothing left if I do.
He's bullying you, that's all. And the best way to deal with a bully is to stand up to them. You can do it!
He's hardly going to cover himself in glory by playing recordings of his bullying to whoever, now is he? It's back to the manipulation, he's doing his utmost to facilitate his gambling by grinding you down. Only you can choose whether or not to go along with it.
Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children, get the help you need to do it.
CW
He has recordings of me apparently talking down or nastily to the kids. I can't recall doing so, I tell them off when they are naughty as mums are supposed to do but he said he has been clever this time and covered his back.
He also said that he won't leave unless he can take his eldest, my middle child. So he would be prepared to split up his kids to hurt and get one over on me. He has also said he will be going into the school to tell them a few home truths about me tomorrow. I can't see what he could tell them apart from the fact that I'm not loving or affectionate towards him....because I don't love him, and how could I when we are back to this? I have heard every nasty thing come out of his mouth tonight. He has called me a fat lazy horrible b***h, in front of the children and they have repeated it to me. Mummy, daddy called you.....he has continued to jibe and Stoke the fires when I have been trying to get them to sleep. He has no respect at all. Going on and on and on coz he has to have his say and he's angry and it's mummy's fault. I've caused all this. Coz I had the nerve to ring his dad to get him to speak to him and calm him down. Coz I have the nerve to say that although I can see the changes, there have been signs of it all slipping back to the old ways.
The thing is, he's big on communication my husband, unless it's against him or you disagree with something he's done, or just disagree with him in general. Then he doesn't want to hear it. He will shout and discredit what you've said, twist it around, listen to half and make an assumption about the rest. I've given up trying to communicate with him coz it will end up in an argument and I just don't want that anymore. So I've said nothing, no rows, no harsh words. And when I did say something to him i still couldn't win. So, I'm not affectionate and I don't communicate.....but I don't do what he does. I keep a roof over our heads, make sure it's clean, we have clean clothes, food on the table, bills are paid, kids have all they need....I don't smoke, take drugs, gamble, drink only rarely....but I'm the devil incarnate to him.
I have a history of depression and he has tried to use that against me tonight saying I'm unfit to look after the children. I do not have depression now and take no medication....tho maybe the first bit is up for debate. Maybe I am depressed....I'm hardly surprised really given everything.....but then, it's all my fault and I'm to blame for it all so that's that.
It would be easier if he was violent but that's not a side he has in him. It's always his word against mine and he is so good at making everyone see his way he gets everyone onside in seconds. He will take me down. I have no doubt about that. I will lose my children, well the ones I have with him anyway, and he will do his best to make sure my eldest is away from me too coz he knows that will kill me completely. I will lose everything, what little I have.
He has said I cannot have the bed so I am bedding downstairs tonight. I don't mind. We need some space. I need some space. There is no way out. Both of us are refusing to leave and neither one of us has the right to remove the other so we are at a stalemate.
Wake up Sad, punching walls & doors, throwing cushions? I get that you are frightened but you've done this before...Just because this doesn't have the physical violence you suffered before doesn't mean it isn't any less destructive! You cannot possibly judge what will happen for sure & whilst you have clearly understood the level of manipulation he will stoop to, I don't think you have taken the necessary advice & support that the professional agencies are able to give you! He is controlling you with fear & you cannot let it happen!
I'm sorry to sound harsh but I grew up in a household with: food on the table, clean clothes, bills paid what could I possibly have wanted but a bit of peace & quiet, oh & maybe a little bit of respect between the adults in my life may not have gone amiss! Finding out the idiot helping to drag us up was not my real dad was the best present my 9 year self could ever have wished for & would have been closely followed by another had mum not shacked up straight away with another alcoholic. I'm not sure there was any violence with the 1st one who had an entire other family whilst living with us despite mum being regularly red faced from crying when we got up for school but the second one was pure evil...No shouting or screaming just horribly controlling behaviour & stalking when she eventually tried to leave him!
I am not in your shoes so I know I don't fully comprehend your fear but please, I implore you, get back in touch with Women's Aid or somewhere, you don't have to live like this!
S&L, reread your posts! The only person taking him seriously is you! He's telling you addict nonsense. You ARE a good mother but you're putting yourself in danger and his behaviour's abusive. I'm not qualified to comment about your health but you know yourself that he's making your health worse.
Kids pick up on what their parents do. Or don't do. I've had searching questions from my older daughter about why I didn't act first time round, she doesn't see me as a pure and innocent victim of my husband's addiction. She wanted to know why I let it go when common sense dictated otherwise.
He's not taken away your choices, they're still there and you're still responsible for what you do or don't do.
You don't have to let him treat you like this but only you can help yourself. The kids have fewer choices.
Look after you, you CAN do it.
CW
All the nastiness has now come out.
He is going to take the kids when I least expect it. So I Can sit and stew in fear like he has when I left him not so long back. He's told me he is going to take me down, whatever that means. He is going to make my life hell. Has threatened all sorts and told me that if I try and get anyone involved it will be his word against mine and he can make me look like a liar so I will never be taken seriously. He said I needn't try thinking I can be clever by going to the housing or social services coz he knows his rights and I won't have a leg to stand on. He has told me I'm to stay away from his family, I'm not allowed to have anything to do with them at all moving forward. He knows if he cuts me off from them I have no one coz I have no family at all, except a 94yr old nan who's oblivious to it all. I'm trapped. There is no way out. None. I took an overdose when I was 16 and I wish to god I had done it properly then....my kids would not be living with this and I wouldn't have had to have live the life that I have. I can feel my will slipping. I can't go on like this anymore. I love my kids so much. I don't want to leave them. I can't. But there's no way out. He won't go, he is hell bent on making my life hell. Why should I go? I've done it and once, how can I put my kids through it again, I just can't. I can't do it to them. It was horrible. I'm not strong enough for either option.
You are strong enough! You don't deserve this!
Do you think it would help any if you had my private email address?
Staying is a worse option than leaving. You can do it, the support is there.
Thinking of you.
CW
Hey....just jumping in here with a thought....if he wasn't a gambler and treated you like this ...would you put up with it...I don't know....all I do know is your children will not thankyou in years to come if you continue to bring them up in a home with this much turbulence. ...you do not have to put up with this.....but as long as you do ....you are forcing it upon your children....please ring women's aid again....get out...you can do it....if not for your own respect...do it for your children's emotional well being....I hope my post hasn't come across as hard and interfering. ...I just hate to read of such unhappiness....I wish you all the strength to get to a better place for you and your children xx
I appreciate all of your supportive words Loxxie, CW and ODAAT.
He has made it very clear to me what the future holds and what his plans are. I firmly believe he will take the children to prove a point. Cornwall and Bournemouth were mentioned last night. I also know he is playing a game with me. His word against mine. Trying to discredit me and twist what I say to his gain. He has always done this so its no shocker but it became very apparent last night. I refused to be drawn into another argument and I was labelled an unloving , hard, nasty b***h. I fail to see the point in talking when everything I say to him he rubbishes it and twists it round or says I'm making more of it than need be. When I tell him this he says I'm failing in my efforts to change and the downfall of our marriage lies at my feet, not his. He said, as he has been making all the effort the last 4 weeks I have now come along and smashed it all down, lying to him and making him believe he was doing well. I have done no such thing. When he's asked me I've said that I don't love him, even tho it must hurt to hear it, I've said I can see improvements but I can see it slipping back and it has. Little things have started to creep back in and he hurt me when he broke my trust last week with the saver money (see previous post). He calls those slip ups and I have to expect them. I do, I agree, not every week tho. His anger and frustratuon surrounding his gambling is still there. He knows his triggers, yet continues to ignore them then I have to put up with the rants and demands for money. But that's all normal and I have to expect it! Is it normal? Am I making more of it than I should be? The thing is, if he fails to stop gambling completely then these issues will always be there. He can't control it. What he has been making progress with is filling his time midweek and not gambling like he used to. That's great. No denying he has worked hard to achieve this. But what hasn't changed is the demands for money. The making it my fault and I had better sort him out with some money or something to do or I will see how hard life will be for me. The payday loan threats. The constant picking that he can't get what he wants if he's got no money, I control the money so it's my fault. The breaking my trust by not giving me back the money when I did give it him. And he wants me to show him love and affection?! He wants hand holding, kisses, hugs, cuddling up in bed. I can't do that with someone I don't love or trust, with someone who has shown me I can't trust him again so soon. But I'm the one not trying and failing. Me. Not him.
So now, I have a threat of my children being taken from me. The warning to stay away from his family. The threat that he will take me down so hard I won't get back up again. What's the point? What's the f*^#ing point of it all? I can't win no matter what I do. If I leave with the children again he will ring the police. I can't put them through it again. I just can't. They barely coped last time. I barely coped last time. My daughters test results at school were affected due to the decision I made before. Her autism has to be considered. She found it very hard to deal with, then the youngest 2 struggled too. We were put in a hell hole of emergency accommodation. They will put me in the worst areas as that's where the majority of properties are and as I will be classed as homeless I will be forced to take it to get a roof over my kids heads. I can't go back to that. I moved where I did to give my children a better start in life. Away from gangs of kids, drugs, drinking, ASB, to the countryside with good housing, good schools and none of the above! How can I voluntarily put them into that when I fought so hard to remove them from it?
Whatever I do I can't win. Whatever I do he will destroy me.
Which is the lesser of 2 evils?
I have no idea.
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