Locked in the toilet crying again

Hi Sad

I agree with Cynical Wife the only person who believes the rubbish that comes out of your husbands mouth is you. I dont believe for a second all these threats he makes about taking the kids away or showing people "what you are really like" to any one who mattered would believe it. As for taping what you said my son tried that one, said he wanted people to hear the witch of a mother that screamed at him. First reaction was fear then I called his bluff and told him to please himself, and do you know he never did, even if he had all anyone would of heard was someone pushed their limit living with cg.

Your husband is a cg and is trying every trick in the book to get at you and its working, you're falling right into his trap, its not a critcisim I did it all the time until I got wise to what my son was doing. Nothing a cg can say suprises me anymore, my son when desperate said some trully vile things, particularly when me and my husband (his dad) showed a untied front and he couldnt get to us any other way. Im talking really disgusting things that left us very very shaken. It was after this I thought right enough of this and told him if he opened his naslty little mouth and said anything so disgusting again Id see him done for slander, he knew the mum who could be manipulated gone by now and I was ready to stick up for myself.

Its typical cg b*******t what your husband is saying, and hes nothing but a nasty bully, get wise to what hes doing and ignore him.

Life doesn't have to be like this for you, you can have a good life, Im not saying it would be easy to start with but it doesnt take long for you to see how good things can be. You have two choices continue as you are or make the break and give you and your children the happy healthy life you all deserve.

You only think he will destroy you because hes got you believing what he tells you, none of its true. Of course you want your children to have good housing, schooling etc but that doesnt mean you cant have that somewhere else. Id say living the way you do now is going to do a lot more harm than moving home could ever do. Plus you are trying to read the future, you dont know where you could end up or even if you'd have to move, its possible he could be the one going.

We got to the point where we had to decide what was worse living with abuse, bullying and all the other horrible things a cg does or tell my son to leave. The thought of living with out my son was to painful but so was the idea of staying the way we were, I couldnt see a way out. In the end we threw him out.

Life is very different now, its taking a bit getting used to but its very peaceful, and I can say I like life so to speak, Id lost any joy I had. I wouldnt ever go back to how it was.

You are far stronger than you think you are, theres lots of support if you want it, and I really dont want to sound harsh but only you can say when you've had enough.

Hi Phoenix,

Everything you say is right.

You don't know him like I do.

I know how he can harbour a grudge for years.

I see how he takes people down. His attitude towards people that love and support him. I've seen him threaten his dad with the police and dial the number. He is abusive, yes. He is manipulative and bullying, yes. But he is very smart and very clever and he knows exactly where and how to get what he wants. I am not being tricked into believing him, I know what to expect and what he's capable of. He has a very vindictive streak in him and I know he will do anything he can to hurt me and destroy me completely....and that way is through my children. He knows I would rather be dead than be without them as they are my life. This isn't a recent threat about taking them....I've had six years of this....he did it when our eldest together was months old and I was breast feeding her. He picked her up in her car seat and went to walk out with her....he'd have gone if I'd have let him. She's the one thing he's wanted most out of our relationship. He's forever banging on about how it's wrong that the dads have to miss out on being with their kids when relationships break down and why should they get a half existance with them and miss out on bringing them up coz the mother decided they weren't happy anymore....how is that fair....I hear it all the time and am in no doubt he would take them from me to get back at me for keeping him from them when I've left.

Like I say, you are right, but I'm not dealing with a dumb-a*s here, I'm dealing with a very astute and savvy person who has me over a barrel whichever way I look at it. I have had enough. But I'm stuck. It's surprising how many brick walls you come against when you are married and have no money to divorce and don't qualify for any legal assistance. I've banged my head with my local council over our home and the tenancy that binds us together. I know what to expect from them as I've been ther and done it with them before. It took me 5 & 1/2 years of 5 people living in a 1st floor 2 bedroomed maisonette to get the house I'm in now. 4 people sleeping in one bedroom is no joke! The area my council deal with are horrible mostly, I've lived in them and got out so I know, I'm not just being a snob. They have nearly 2000 people on the waiting list and just over a 1000 properties to let. I don't have the money to go privately renting as I don't work due to being classed as a carer for my autistic child. The government have made sure that the top up rents are no longer available and housing benefits won't match the price so you are stumped any way you turn. I've done my research. I've asked for help. My only way is refuge or emergency accommodation on domestic abuse grounds. I have been and done that and cannot put my children through it again. It nearly broke us all last time and it was only 3 days!

Hi S&L,

Awful and shocking story.

Walk away my love. Your life is being ruled and abused by a GA who isn't man enough to face his demons.

If the kids don't side with you, how long will they last with this fool before he ruins their lives or they see the mess he's become?

You've got enough evidence, the main piece is your relationship has been ruined by his addiction. You've tried the counselling because of this, more evidence. So who's people going to believe?

Isn't there some place you can go for the weekend? Let him cope with the kids and feed his habit, ride on his emotions! Have your phone handy as I guess the phone will soon be ringing. Life is too short girl, you get one life, keep your head up and understand your're the innocent one in this mess.

Wishing you all the best. X

Hi S&L, me again...I didn't want to post again because I'm judging you & you don't need that but I am scared for you & your children (all of them)!

The man you describe is not smart nor clever, nor astute & savvy...Those sort of men love & support their families! Threatening to phone the police is BS...Either his Dad deserved it & the call should have gone in, or he didn't & none of you should have worried about him making a fool of himself calling them for no reason!

I get that are you terrified he will take your kids from you but social services don't take decisions like that lightly! It's not like sharing out possessions post divorce, he doesn't just get to pick & choose which ones he wants because he has you over a barrel!

I can't anymore sit here & type to you with conviction that things will work out ok but I can say as a child that grew up in a home full of addiction that you need to figure this out & fast!

I get that the 3 days were hard & I completely understand why you believed his lies & went back to him but nothing has changed except you know for certain now that he is the person you have spent the last 6 years hoping he isn't!

Stop letting him control you...If he wants the kids that badly then he can look after them while you get out to counselling or GamAnon meetings where you can get support that you so badly need! If you're gonna stick around in that toxic environment, you're going to need every bit of strength to keep making it a place that your children feel nurtured & get the love that they need!

You think he can break you but I don't! You're hurting but you're here looking for help & even if it feels to me like you're not taking it, you have not given up! You deserve better than this! Keep pushing SAL - ODAAT

Hi Sadandlonely,

I'm a CG and i often read some of the families stories on this website and feel alot more empathy towards the CG's in question than their partners seem able to show them. Sometimes i think, in all honesty, partners just come on here to have a rant and don't really want to help their CG loved ones. However, in this case you need to leave. Yes i have lied to my family and girlfriend to cover my gambling, but I am also now making the biggest effort to stop. I understand the hurt I've caused them and am going to counselling, GA and have gotten rid of my smart phone. I also have the humiliation of having my mum in control of my finances. Your man sounds like he doesn't want to change and threats are never tolerable. If he was a good man with an addiction, I'd always say work at it, but he sounds like a pretty nasty bloke. Obviously you love him and you want to help him, but unless he's willing to change, you won't be able to change him. I know I can stop gambling now with all the support I'm getting. I'm determined to treat my family to everything they deserve for sticking by me and i won't let any bitter partners tell me i can't change. But if he doesnt want to chenge then he won't and even in the height of my addiction i'd never dream of being threatening or violent.

All the best, I really hope you can convince him he needs to change, but if not then I hope you find peace for yourself

Lego1993 wrote:

Hi Sadandlonely,

I'm a CG and i often read some of the families stories on this website and feel alot more empathy towards the CG's in question than their partners seem able to show them. Sometimes i think, in all honesty, partners just come on here to have a rant and don't really want to help their CG loved ones. However, in this case you need to leave. Yes i have lied to my family and girlfriend to cover my gambling, but I am also now making the biggest effort to stop. I understand the hurt I've caused them and am going to counselling, GA and have gotten rid of my smart phone. I also have the humiliation of having my mum in control of my finances. Your man sounds like he doesn't want to change and threats are never tolerable. If he was a good man with an addiction, I'd always say work at it, but he sounds like a pretty nasty bloke. Obviously you love him and you want to help him, but unless he's willing to change, you won't be able to change him. I know I can stop gambling now with all the support I'm getting. I'm determined to treat my family to everything they deserve for sticking by me and i won't let any bitter partners tell me i can't change. But if he doesnt want to chenge then he won't and even in the height of my addiction i'd never dream of being threatening or violent.

All the best, I really hope you can convince him he needs to change, but if not then I hope you find peace for yourself

Lego 1993.

Thanks for your post. It was a change to hear from a CG. If you can see him for what he is then I guess I have to really open my eyes now. It's not that I don't see it or recognise what is going on and the way he treats me, I do, I know it's wrong on so many levels. I'm so scared. I tried to leave him once. I know what kind of hell he will put me through. It's not violence of any sort in a physical way. The emotional scars run so deep. I'm a mess at the moment completely. I know from his side he has a problem that has dominated his life for over 20yrs. It's not a problem for him. He will never stop gambling, he has told me that. And I've always said I can't and won't stop him....a mans gotta have some enjoyment right?! He doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, go out with friends, have any hobbies at all except watching sport and betting on it. But I have also said that when it starts impacting on family life then something needs to change. He knows this. He recognises the effects on me and the children. He is attending counselling. But only to regain control not to stop. It's not really working. Tonight he has lost over £300. Not a lot of money at all to most people. He built it up from £20 and lost it all....9 bets and all of them lost. I'm now in for a weekend of hell. I hate the weekends. Always the trigger for his anger and frustration. Me baring the brunt of it all. I'm tired of feeling like the outsider in my marriage. He has changed as a person and I don't see him as the man I married. I knew he was a gambler then yes, I knew of his past troubles to the largest extent but he wasn't this man I'm married to now. All I see him as is someone who breaks my trust, lies and hurts me, becomes verbally and emotionally abusive and in no way is the loving protector a husband should be. I feel so lost and disconnected. My children are the only light in my life. Without them I have nothing and no one....am nothing and no one.

I want to say, with all the love in my heart and bestest wishes, that I hope you complete your journey of change and you have a happy and healthy life with your loved ones. Good luck to you x

I really feel for you! I don't feel qualified to give you advice really, you have much more life experience than I do, but I just hate to hear of anyone being mistreated. Addiction can make us do terrible things, but not to the extent you've described. I don't have kids, but I know that as a son I love my mum unconditionally, so just try and focus on that as a huge positive in your life. You certainly aren't 'no one' becuase you're a great mum and to your kids you're a hero. Also you're clearly a strong and brave woman to even come on here! Whether you have a future with your husband or not, i really hope you find the happinness you deserve. Your well wishes mean alot to me and I wish you the best of luck as well! x

Hi there

I wanted to comment briefly on what you said about there being no legal assistance available.

Although the government has generally decimated legal aid, it's still available for cases which involve domestic violence and risks of homelessness. I think someone already mentioned that what you are descibing is fairly clear cut domestic violence. The government definition is here: https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-violence-and-abuse

If you receive ESA, JSA, IS or UC then you will automatically be 'passported' into Legal Aid. Even if you don't then you will almost certainly be eligible on financial grounds.

Sometimes it can be difficult getting hold of a legal aid lawyer - normally requires a bit of digging. Start here: http://find-legal-advice.justice.gov.uk/

I agree that his behaviour is wholly unacceptable and you should start taking steps to secure your position. He is highly manipulative which is a common CG trait (I was one for 14 years). But I agree with others that it is classic bullying tactics. CGs HATE to be called out on the gambling. So if you look at in terms of a power struggle - you hold the secret weapon.

Best wishes
Louis

Louis,

Thankyou for your help!

I will do some digging and see if I can find a legal aid lawyer/solicitor in my area. I do qualify in terms of the financial side according to what you've put. I will most certainly look into all this more now thanks to you. I have my second counselling session on Wednesday which I feel I do need very much at the moment.

I wish you well,

Sad x

Lego,

Your comments made my cry. I certainly don't feel like anyone's hero. I fear daily I'm letting my children down. I love them so much it physically hurts....I never understood until they chose me as their mum how completely and consumingly I could love them. I feel incomplete without them near me.

You sound like a lovely son to have. You may have an addiction but that doesn't make you a bad person and your recognition of your problem and willingness to make a change and move forward are testament to that....also to the fabulous job your parents have done in bringing you up! Addictions can get to anyone, from any walk of life not just low life's and s**m bags....both of which you are not.

I reiterate again....good luck on your journey. You too deserve all the happiness in the world and a bright future full of love.

Take care my friend,

Sad x

Hello Sad,

I too am a wife of CG for a past few years and our situations r exactly the same to yours. I'm facing the same daily challenges and I'm about to make same decisions like do re moving out and changing the whole lifestyle.

I have also moved to another country to make sure that I don't loose my children and get away from all the nonsense that we were all exposed to but again I failed to carry that move through out and came back, came back after hearing all the promises he s made to me and to our children who r hitting their teenage years.

In the end it is a financial abuse that we r facing and it is hard. I have not been able to pick myself up since Xmas. My life just drags on and on in a hope that God will end my struggle himself becaus I can't commit suisade knowing how hurt our children would b.

I also understand that I'm keeping my children in a horrible environment where that r facing their dad calling me all sorts of, and at worst they c me their mother at my weakest times crying away.

Today he woke up and went for a run(that's first time since last year)

So I'm hoping that will have some calmin effect on him.

He hasn't use any of my bank cards since last week but I'm terrified of upcoming days to find out that there's even less of what we already have. To let u into our financial situation closer...he spend over my credit cards £8500, sold my car £6,500, bets all his wages and has an access into my debit account to where I recieve my salary and children's money.

I don't have an advice to you, I can't tell u have a hope, I can't make u feel better and direct you like the rest does here. But I want you to know that I'm also a victims and on the receiving end, and I also suffer through my husbands choices. He also doesn't spoke drink he likes to stay home just like me. We r very family like but with a dark twist hiding behind the door. My family have no clue and so I keep smiling but my husbands family know everything and they have in past weeks disowned him as a result of him stealing his own mothers £10000 in credit cards too....

They say life goes on...I'm not sure of that anymore xx

Endoftheroad, so sorry that you are feeling so low that you're talking about not wanting to be alive any more. Have you spoken to your doctor about it? You are welcome to contact the GamCare helpline on 0808 8020 133. We can also arrange some counselling for you, like S&L80 is having. That could give you a space for you to work out what you want to happen.

Take care of you,

Forum Admin

[quote=Forum admin]

Endoftheroad, so sorry that you are feeling so low that you're talking about not wanting to be alive any more. Have you spoken to your doctor about it? You are welcome to contact the GamCare helpline on 0808 8020 133. We can also arrange some counselling for you, like S&L80 is having. That could give you a space for you to work out what you want to happen.

Take care of you,

Forum Admin

Thank you for your offer of help, I have helplessly been spending time on Internet to find the best place to contact and seek help. I will contact you when I know I can.

U fortunately I cannot contact my gp as I worry so much for them trying to remove children from my care, one for the fact that I m keeping them in this wrong environment and two I have been feeling very depressed.

I know for a fact I'm great mum! I go work, come back in time to make a dinner from scratch, my both kids r fully involved with outside world and we spend fantastic weekends together as a family except from distance watching their dad staring at the PC screen looking dispersed too and waiting for his big win.... I love my children but I cannot possibly leave their dad, it will have to be him to willingly get up and leave I think...

Endoftheroad.....

You have echoed things going round in my mind for a long time. I'm so sorry things are this bad for someone else too. I'm in a very dark place at the moment. I can't put into words how I'm feeling so have stayed off this site until today, when I just wanted to check in and see how everyone's doing. I would definitely advise the counselling as admin has suggested above. I can see things I couldn't before and although they are clearer for me, I'm still unsure as to where my marriage will end up. I do know I don't love my husband still. That is very hard to come to terms with. For us both.

Don't worry too much now about GPs etc....talk on here, phone gamcare and try and set the ball rolling with some counselling. It will all help and there is some fantastic support on here from the f&f community!! Making any decisions at this stage will feel like climbing a mountain so take that pressure off and concentrate day to day. That's what I'm having to do.

Good luck endoftheroad x

O.M.G Why do you put up with THIS s**t for? WHY do you believe this s**t for? SORRY to be so blunt but many years ago I was in your shoes now,only difference mine was an alcoholic, it was ALL my FAULT?,it was ME who caused him to drink ect ect,,it thought stuff this and got out,at first I thought it was my fault, what will happen, scared whittless, but after a while I slowly started to recover (took a long time) I had a child too,she was my FIRST concern and should be YOURS? GET OUT, STAY OUT AND MOVING ON,life will get better,he is talking RUBBISH, I KNOW I AM A C.G.but I would never put my family through this,please leave,leave now ,go,take the kids, what will be ,will be,people aren't all stupid they will see through his lies ....TRUST ME,IT'S HIS FAULT.....NOT YOURS !!!!!