Looking for advice

Hi,

Thank you for your advice, every thing you said is right, and i think it hit home after reading your reply just how much i'v let him get away with..and just how much it affects my life now, i'm a bag of nerves, can't sleep, wake up feeling anxious, i'm bad tempered....and this after whats happened previously.

After confronting him over the money he recieved from his Dads pension scheme....and he still hasn't really admitted what he's done with it...he promised though to have his wages paid into my bank account...if he has done it then it will be a step in the right direction, my gut feeling tho ..is that it's just another lie, thats how bad it is..i just can't believe a single word he says any more..i'm determined that i won't lend him again. the only spare money i have is my rent money which he borrows until he gets paid..and its a nervous wait each month in case i don't get it back, i can't do it any more.

Again thank you, it's hard seeing things wrote down in black and white but maybe it's what iv needed to make me also see sense...it's just i know it's something thats not easliy going to be sorted and i feel like i have another battle on my hands.

Hi Belle, welcome to the Forum and well done for sharing what you have here,

Firstly, you shouldn't blame yourself or question what you have done; you have been through a great deal and holding everything together was the priority.

Secondly, you are right to withdraw any kind of financial help, short of food and shelter. I gambled for twenty years before stopping over five years ago; people took a hard line with me at the time and I am very glad they did, even though it was the last thing I wanted at the time; if you question it or feel guilty, then know in your heart that you are doing it for his long-term benefit.

No-one wants to admit they have something in their life that they can't control, no-one wants to admit they have a problem; this is a form of mental illness/vulnerability that needs attention and treatment like anything other condition of that nature. If he is taking things and selling them, then he is crossing many unacceptable lines and that is a situation that has to stop right now.

I'm sure he is a good person without gambling in his life. It made me deceitful, anxious, emotional, depressed, obsessed, stressed and much more - I am none of those things now and couldn't imagine being that way again; I am not alone - I have been a part of this Forum for seven years and have seen thousands of the kindest, nicest, most decent and intelligent people fall foul of this affliction.

I would explain to him that he doesn't have to jump in feet first - ask him to think about GA; he won't have to interact if he doesn't want to, he can just sit at the back and listen to others. Ask him to think about this website, or the GAMCARE helplines - ask him to do it with an open mind.

I feel there may be deeper issues and that counselling may be in order. Losing a Father could instill a desire to want to drive yourself down deeper; it could have made him partially clinically depressed which would also make things worse.

Compulsive gambling doesn't have to be a life sentance; many people have stopped, but you have to draw a line under your past and accept who you are. I know I can never do it again - I have a natural fear when it comes to winning money because I know what it would make me want more of the same at higher stakes. When people think of problem gambling, they think of selfishness and greed but this affliction has little to do with money itself - we chase the euphoria of winning; imagine how you would feel if you won £500 on a scratchcard - you would be over the moon; this is what compulsive gamblers crave, that feeling, every day; the money only serves to enable us to keep playing.

I wish you well my friend and I hope that you continue to post here. Your son is a very young man with a long future - what he needs to do is ensure that this remains a painful life lesson, and not something that blights his entire life. That will take humility, acceptance and committment on his part - it doesn't matter how slow he takes it, as long as he makes progress.

JamesP

Ah thank you James,

Its hard not blame myself..i married when i was 17, 51 now and stayed with an abusive, alcoholic husband until i cdnt take any more 7 years ago...i walked on egg shells, pretending things wouls always get better for years, trying to make things right and my 3 boys must have suffered as a result, the oldest and my youngest who is the gambler left home when they were 16 ..and i think this is when he started gambling and it has got worse since he left the army 4 years ago. When he is ok he's a lovely, likeable, intelligent lad and like me he's been through a lot.

He wont talk to me at the, so i'v just sent him a long email, asking him to think about getting help, told him i know its not going to be easy but not lending him money is the only way i can think of to help him, he's just replied saying he dosn't need to hear this at the minute.

Hopefully this is the start of some thing, just wish the feeling of dread that i wake up with every morning will go away, again thank you, you've gave me a hope that maybe things can change.

You're very welcome Belle, no problem at all.

I know what you mean about walking on eggshells; my Father had mental health problems, and the Stepfather that replaced him was an alcoholic - my heart goes out to you.

I get the feeling that your son is a little bit lost; I worked for the Ministry of Defence so I know something about Army life. Soldiers are kind of cocooned from the outside world, to the point where ordinary people are more or less strangers; strong ties and bonds are formed very quickly and it feels like a family all of it's own - I imagine your son found this enormously welcoming after experiencing problems at home so i'm sure it would have been a gigantic wrench to become a civillian again.

I also get the feeling he would be good at something like teaching or mentoring; I feel that he needs to feel like he is wanted/useful, or has some sort of purpose in life. That is understandable with the way that the youth of today is being put through the mill with regards to employment.

If he wants space, then I would give it to him at the moment. Let him calm down, give him a chance to think things through - if he comes to you for money again, then tell him that you can't if he doesn't want to help himself.

Please, please don't blame yourself my friend. There is literally nothing you can do if he doesn't want to help himself - you can offer, and then the matter is entirely out of your hands. You need to think of your own well being - you sound like a kind, decent, caring and intelligent lady; at 51, you are still relatively young in this day and age and may well be only half way through your life - you have been through too much for the rest of it to be blighted, especially when you face a situation like this.

Let's hope and pray that he does face up to this my friend - there is nothing to say that he can't come through this and turn into an even better person than what he was before.

JamesP

Thank you so much for support, i'v taken your advice and i'll give him some space, spelt it really stronghly that i won't give him money under any circustances but i'll help him in any other way and if he borrows from elsewhere i won't be bailing him out, he will have to deal with it himself, gave him the number for Gamcare....so we shall see...again thank you for giving me the strength to get through another day, its very much appreciated

Feeling down, diappointed and totally fed up...another pay day has come and gone, false promises and lies of getting his wage paid into my account to at least try to control it,.....and money lent not paid back. Sorry for the rant.....but i really hoped and prayed that this time he might try to help himself.