I discovered my husband of 6 years is a compulsive gambler 5 months ago, a week after the birth of our second son. I found a credit card statement showing an overdue balance of £XXX. His initial reaction was to tell me he was going to leave. Later that evening he left and told me he was "going for a drive". I didnt think he was going to come home and was besides myself wondering how I was going to explain to our 5 year old where his Daddy was. I understand that he has an addiction and it is an illness but I cannot understand why he kept it hidden and was so deceitful. He stole our sons' birthday money which I had hidden away. I have had to purchase a safe to ensure valuables will not be taken by him. He wonders why I will no longer not wear my wedding ring or tell him I love him but why would I want to? I have found out the amount he owes is £xxK. Given that his salary is paid into my account and he has no income in any of his accounts as he is reckless with money, I am so surprised that banks gave him credit cards to accrue such a debt. I think this is so irresponsible and inhumane given that they will simply seek to recover the money by seeking for our family home to be sold, even though I had no knowledge nor did I ever consent to him taking out the credit. Given that he has a gambling addiction and only used the credit to gamble, I sort of think that the debt should be written off as it was not obtained for a genuine reason. If you apply for a loan, you have to disclose what you need the funds for. He has sought help from a debt charity and he is doing extra work to put towards clearing the debt. It is going to take years to clear.
I live for my children and will do anything for them and this is another reason why I cannot understand how he could be so selfish. Our son does not know what is happening and we do not have cross words around him. My husband has no option but to remain living with us as he cannot have any money, if he did, he would gamble. If his addiction continues, he will likely lose his job, and the children and I need his support, as I am on maternity leave. His father is a gambler and his mother an alcoholic. They do not provide him with any emotional support and therefore, it seems to all fall on my shoulders. He will not disclose his difficulties to his close network of friends.
I hate liars and am a very honest person. I am a qualified solicitor and worked hard at everything I have put my mind to to achieve my goals. I am married to a compulsive liar and feel utterly trapped. I do not regret meeting him as I have two wonderful sons. I have a duty to ensure they do not pick up his traits.
I have tried to help my husband and signposted him to support. He is attending gambling anonymous groups but has brought the materials home and is reluctant to read them. He doesnt want to admit he has a problem. He has had counselling but said "it didn't help". He felt very unwelll after each session which is why I think he is avoiding it. I can't force him to do anything but if he is not helping himself, I don't see why he should benefit from remaining in this loving, supportive environment. life is short; why should i be unhappy . I feel like I am constantly treading on egg shells around him as he is the "victim" with an illness but what about me? As far as I am aware I have done nothing to deserve this and I am worried I am going to start resenting him if he does not change or put the children first. Does anyone have any suggestions as to a way forward? Has anyone stuck by their partners through their addiciton and the partner has stopped gambling? He tells me he does not want to gamble anymore and has not got the urge, but if it was that easy to stop, why did he not stop after losing £XX, how on earth did it escalate to £XXXX?
Hi hun
I read your post and I’m so sorry for you. I am a compulsive gambler myself a 37 year old mother of 2 with a good career. Mine started while I was on maternity with my 2nd daughter 8 years ago and all I can tell you is this. Being a compulsive gambler is like living in hell it sucks you in and turns you into a liar and a cheat it consumes you and it’s all you can think of , it sounds pathetic believe you me I never thought I would be in my position. I’ve lost a staggering amount of money, friends , family, my credit rating, my self respect, my children’s childhoods ( well the start) I have turned into someone I hate and if it were not for my kids I’d be dead and your partner will come to feel like this if he’s not there already. Honestly with any accesss to gamble he will, put in every barrier you can gamstop for online, take the money , don’t believe anything that does not seem right as I would do anything to get a gamble tell any lie. He can beat it with support but I don’t envy you I can’t tell you it will be easy but my partner if 18 years has not given up on me and I feel forever grateful for his support. You don’t deserve this but please know a gambler may just seem like they are being unreasonable or defensive but usually, for me anyway it was because I felt so terribly guilty about what I had done. I’m sure he does care he has a horrible addiction that makes your life and everyone around you misery but don’t give up on him yet just put the barriers in and try and support him when he is in recovery you will be closer for it. I am so sorry you are going through this it’s a horrible addiction . I’m 13 days gamble free so still trying but determined this time , take care x
Hi Dora I'm sorry to see you here. You sound at your wits end. He needs to persist with GA. Let him sort the debt out. Make sure you know what he's doing via credit checks Experian, clear score, mse, you can get alerts when credit is applied for. My husband did the same, for years, I was clueless, he just gambled loans. Then he just gambled coffee money. Now I get a receipt for everything. if loans are unsecured they cannot take the house. If he's approached stepchange they sort out a debt plan. Gamanon is for friends and family if you need support. You can also call gamcare, they offer counselling. Look after yourself, protect your finances.
Sorry to see this. It's rubbish when everything comes to light but even though you are reeling you are the rational one in this and that means taking the actions to protect you and the children.
The debt is his to sort out. Payplan, Stepchange and the CAB can advise. You can keep track of what's going on with regular checks on his credit reports with every agency. Secure the bank accounts and don't trust a word he says about money without seeing independent proof for yourself.
He can get support and understanding from counselling and GA. You don't have to shoulder that burden if you can't or if you don't want to. Look for support for yourself if you need it. Put yourself first.
Thank you all for your words of support and advice. It means a lot and great to know I am not alone. I am in complete control of the finances, if he has any money to buy something at the shop or petrol etc he must provide me with a receipt. I will get him signed up for credit checks. Your words of wisdom are invaluable. Thanks again. I am waiting to receive telephone counselling arranged via GamCare and have found their helpline so useful.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
