Hi,
I've recently come across this forum having found out that my partner of 2.5 years has been gamblng again for over 12 months.
As far as I know, he started gambling for a bit of fun at 18. This then escalated to a serious problem in his mid-twenties where he was taking out loans, credit cards and borrowing money from family. It came to a a real low point where he considered suicide, thankfully he never went hrough with it and managed to come out the other side. He realised he had an issue and off his own back banned himself from the bookies and enteredt into an IVA to pay back some of the debt (in excess of 30k).
I'm told that the last time he gambled was July 2014.
We met in August 2015 and he was always open and honest about his past and the problems he had with gambling. He always said he would never gamble again. So, for 2.5 years as far as I knew, gambling was a thing of the past and nothing to worry about.
Just before Christmas I found a statement from Argos saying that he has used his argos account to buy an iPad. I was so angry with him as I had offered to pay off this card (£500) aprox 12 months prior to help consoidate any debt he had with the intention of him paying me back. He lied about what happened with the ipad, making up some story about how he bought it with the intention of selling it on to a mate and making money out of it. He also said that the plan never worked as he apparently took the ipad out and dropped it outside the shop, then just chucked it in the bin. Typing that now, I can't quite believe that I accepted that story. But I did.
He started a new job after Christmas and as things worked out, we'd be a bit hardup until the end of Feb when he got paid again. For some reason in the first week of Jan he ended up only having £10 to his name. He lied about buying me a gift at Christmas which he had to accept a refund on as they couldnt fulfill the order, he told me he was still waiting for the refund and was chasing the company. I now know this was a lie. We rowed a lot around this time as he seemed to just assume that I would be able to cover the outgoings in this time, without him even consulting me. Nevertheless, he started a new job and was happy.
I was still angry that he'd made an assumption that I'd cover everything and something didnt feel right. I checked his phone and found out that he'd borrowed money off his sister and dad, and also bought something else in Argos for nearly £100 just before Christmas. I questioned him again and he made up a story about buying his Brother computer games. Again, I believed him.
After confiding in my mum, I realised that I needed to delve a little deeper into this as she wasn't convinced he my partner was telling the truth.
On Saturday morning I quizzed my partner and told him I knew what he'd been doing (in reality I had a feeling that gambling may have been an issue). I called his bluff and he admitted that he had gambled a few times since October, with money he had made buying and then selling things from Argos. We had a long chat and he made all the promises in the world that he'd never do it again, he didnt tell me the extent of the gambling and assured me it started at the end of October and had only been a few times. I agreed to try and help him, he knew I was devastated as I'd always said I couldn't continue with the relationship if I found out he gambled again, yet here I am.
On Saturday night my partner turned around and said he had something to tell me.....he went on to explain that in 2017 he had taken out two new phone contracts (he already has one) to enable him to sell the phones, make some cash and gamble with it. I was, and still am horrified that he did this.
On Sunday we agreed that I would take control of all of the finances but he was reluctant to hand over his bank account information. This rang alarm bells and we subsequently had another argument. Eventually he handed them over but asked me not to look at past transactions as he didnt want me looking at what he'd spent on me at Christmas!!! Obviously I looked......it then became very apparent that the gambling was a much bigger problem than i'd first thought. Hes actually been gambling for over 12 months. He's borrowed money from family nearly every month, and whilst it may be substantial amounts hes probably gambled £100-£200 each month. I raised this with him and he admitted it.
Im now absolutely exhausted. Not only do I find it really hard to move past the fact that he's gambled again, the constant lies and inability to actually tell thr truth has torn me apart. Every ounce of truth that has come out has been because he's been caught, not because he's freely given the information.
He's booked in for counselling on Saturday and promises me that he will never ever gamble again. I just don't know what to believe.
I'm heartbroken, tired, angry, emotional, and just feel so worthless. What do you do when the person you trusted implicitly lets you down......
I'm sorry for the essay. Any help or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
Hi a little lost its such a shame to read your story, although a familiar one. Unfortunately the promise of never gambling again more often means it becomes a very secretive pastime. It's a very difficult addiction to beat. The lies come with the addiction. This is not something that gets better overnight. It's a long process and takes 100% commitment. Handing over finances is a good start. Counselling might help. GA meetings too. If you want to get support and learn more you can go to a gamanon meeting that often runs at same time as GA. You can call gamcare to talk to someone. Does his family know why he's been borrowing money? I would warn them. Access to money definitely needs to be monitored or totally stopped if you take over. Credit reports show you how much debt there is. Don't pay his debts, bailouts just set them free to gamble again. Secure your finances, no joint accounts. My husband has no access to money. If he needs something it's cash and receipt to the penny. GA every week. It's very raw for you at the moment but if you take control it's manageable. They don't do it to hurt us. Try not to be hard on yourself.
Hi Merry go round - thank you for replying, I really appreciate it.
It seems my partner is a very convincing liar which I guess is why I find it very hard now to believe he'll do everything to quit, and he even said last night he doesn't think he has an adiction, just 'a problem'.......
I must give him a chance.....
I am 31 and I had anticipated starting a family soon, along with wanting to buy a house together etc. Now my future seems so unsure. I am scared that if I give him a chance that he'll gamble again, and maybe next time it'll be worse, maybe we'll have children or a house and it'll be more money and worse repercussions.
Oh I don't know.
I'm finding it so hard not to be constantly angry at him too, then I feel bad for that. He talks to me like nothing has happened and I get so annoyed by that.Its been 4 days, how can he expect me to want to discuss holidays together and going out for meals?!!!!
Does that sound like someone who understands what he's done?
Sorry to hear what’s been happening.
Why do you tell yourself that you must give him (another?) chance, feeling as you do? It’s a serious question that deserves a serious thought out answer, however painful. Because the answer goes to root issues about you, about your needs and whether they’re being met, about what you feel that you deserve in life, about what you’re prepared to tolerate in a life partner, about whether the emotional unavailability of an addict is what you find yourself turning to. If you have a family with him, what life lessons will you both teach them? What life lessons have your own family taught you?
Gambling is a progressive illness, unchecked, it continues and gets worse, the rate of gambling increases and the financial consequences therefore become worse each episode. Blindly trusting someone who has demonstrated unreliablity and who has not earned your trust is unwise.
There’s help out there to help you cope with the effects that his gambling has on you. Try GamAnon and or CoDA meetings and GamCare offers counselling.
It’s not an overnight solution but rather learning a better way to live. Your answers lie with you.
In the meantime, protect your financial interests but on the basis that you are doing it for you, not that you are trying to stop him using. There’s a difference.
Focus on you.
CW
Hi a little lost. There are a few things you say which are concerning. He doesn't see it as addiction just a problem. Buying stuff on contract to sell for money, that's pretty drastic. Why do you have to give him a chance? You gave him a chance when you met and he told you it was in the past. Neither of you realised what compulsive gambling means long term. He's in denial. You are the same as we all were when we first hear it, you don't realise it's forever. As you say you want to buy a house, have children. If you do you need control of finance, all credit reports. He's doing the usual behaviour of confessing and relief. Let's move on. But you are angry, which is ok. He's not dealing with it. As CW says it's about you, what you want.
Hi
Sorry to see this. It's a whirlwind and it's difficult to know which way is up but the fact of the matter is you have to protect yourself both emotionally and financially. The half hearted attempts to open up his finances scream deflection. Chances are excellent he doesn't want you to see the truth about and extent of what's going on because he's keeping the door ajar. If he meant what he said he would willingly give you access to everything no holds barred.
The truth is if he doesn't want to give up he won't and as they get more desperate for cash to gamble with so they resort to ever more desperate measures. He may be at or close to that point now if he's selling goods he's bought. Why would anyone buy goods from him at a markup if they can get the same goods with a guarantee from Argos? How much of a profit could he possibly make anyway?
You can't trust a word he says without seeing independent proof for yourself. Put yourself and your interests first. You're not obliged to give him another chance but you're the one who gets to decide if you want to and the conditions you want to impose for your own protection should that be the case.
Thank you all for your advice, I do really appreciate it. Everything you've all said has opened my eyes to the reality of the situation.
My partner has had a few great meetings at work this week and has come home telling me about them and how great they've been. He seems so animated and happy when talking about it, but it just angers me because I'm trying hard to be happy for him, but I'm just so unhappy and angry inside. Does that make sense?
I do believe I need time to really figure out what I'm going to do.
We had a heated discussion last night as he's trying to 'move on' and I'm still seething!! He asked me last night if im ever going to supoort him in his efforts to give up gambling......I didn't even know how to respond. How do you even begin supporting someone in this situation?
Hi again
Wanting to sweep it all under the carpet under the guise of 'moving on' and trying to play the blame game are classic denial tactics. He's known what's going on and the true extent of it for however long it is. You've had it dumped on you out of the blue and still don't know if anything further (e.g. more or hidden debt) might land on your plate. He doesn't get to decide when you should be ready to move on. If he had an ounce of self awareness he would understand it will take time for you to process the shock you've had. Take all the time you need. Try and get full disclosure in the shape of access to his credit reports from all three agencies (all available free) and access to every account shown on them so you have a better idea of the true picture.
There's no reason you shouldn't be seething but if he really wants support he has to be ready to put in the work it takes on his own account. No-one can do it for him. Has he recognised you need support too? Has he shown you what he's doing to block his access to gambling? Is he indeed doing anything at all to do just that? He could get on the list for counselling which is free via Gamcare. He could find his nearest GA group and attend. He's not helpless in this. He just has to want it.
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