Lost my sense of self. Please help.

This is my first time posting on any forum, but I'm becoming desperate. I found out a year ago that my boyfriend was a gambler. For the past 26 year, up until this point in my life, I have not really dealt with anything as serious before. That night he came to me in tears, it took me about an hour of asking him what was wrong before he finally confessed. He told me I would never see him the same and that scared him more than anything. He was right though.

The next day, I Ioaned him the $1500 he had gambled away that he didn't have. I loaned it to him on the condition that he goes with me to self exclude himself from all casino - which he gladly did. It felt like he was ready to change and it felt nice that he opened up and told me the truth. Over the next few months, I had honestly believed he had quit. I was so proud of him that he was moving on in life and working towards getting out of debt. He has a really well paying job probably twice the amount I make, he told me he could pay off his debts within two years. I believed him.

We moved in together 5 months ago, I still believed that he had quit. I had no idea, and I never asked. In my oblivious state, we continued in our relationship, and for all of you who has ever been with a CG you can understand when I say, things were not good. He was gambling, and I didn't know it. He had his ups and his downs. He would be distant and cold one day and happy and loving another. Before long we admitted to having relationship issues. I talked to him about how I was feeling; unappreciated, taken for granted, ignored, and unhappy. There are days when I felt so happy, because when he's himself, he is the most loving and kind-hearted, gentle man. But those sad days were beginning to add up, and the promises to change began to feel empty. It didn't feel like he was trying, or making an effort and it was because gambling took over his life.

He admitted to me he was gambling again this past week. I was so disappointed, but suddenly all of our fights, all of his behaviour made sense. We talked about everything, how he started again 5 months ago, but was clean for 4 after he told me the first time. I felt betrayed. The entire time we have been living together and he has been lying to me. He would wake up in the middle of the night and gamble, or stay at work late to gamble. He had acquired more debt than he previously had the last time we went through this.

I could see how much he needed my help, and I have always been able to see the good guy that he can be. He asked me for help and support, he needed to do what ever it took to recover. His body was shaking, and tears rolled down his eyes. I could see that he believed he had reached rock bottom and for that he hated himself.

For the next couple of days we continued talking about his problem openly. I knew I didn't do enough last time, but this time i finally realize how bad the problem really is and I want support him in every way that I can.

This past week, I have been consumed it all. I am in constant fear that I'm not doing enough, that he's going to relapse. I've spent every moment of my free time reading forums, visiting advice websites, learning everything I can about this illness and what he is going through. I can see myself becoming really sad for him, and it is getting to be overwhelming to deal with alone.

I am doing everything that I can to help him through this. Every day I suggest an idea that might help him (I make it very clear that I dont expect him to do any of it, only if he willing to and wants to). Things like keep track of his urges, list all the reasons why he quits, to keep track of his debt so he's not desensitized to the money he's spending. And every suggestion I offer, he would gladly and appreciatively accept to try. He started going to the gym again, something he's been saying for months he wants to start doing again. It was feeling like everything was going the right way, that he was making big efforts to finding himself again.

We blocked his access to gambling sites using k9 protection. I also blocked gambling websites through my wi-fi. He still has his phone, which we are trying to figure out a good way to eliminate the accessibility. He told me he was going to send me all of his paychecks, and I would only give him the cash when he needed it. He promised he would seek counselling. He also promised that despite what happens, if he does fall off the wagon to be honest with me.

I know I have an easy way out. I could walk away, and I wouldn't have to suffer anymore. I wouldn't have to spend my life worrying about money. Nor would I have to live in fear that he is going to do it all again. But I love the man that he can be. It's been 8 days since he's gambled, and in those 8 days I could see the changes in his behavior.

He became attentative, social, he was interested in my life, his life. For the first time in awhile it felt like he finally realized I am more important than gambling. He was being the man that I fell in love with, and I didn't feel like I wasn't good enough.

My breaking point

Our biggest issues at the time were on weekends, we would go out with friends, and he would have too much too drink. He blacked out easily - - 4 or 5 drinks and he wouldn't be himself anymore. He would become this zombie like person, distant and cold, similar to when he acted when he would gamble and lose. The only difference is when he is drunk and realizes he was hurting me, he would do his best to try, he'd remember I am a priority in his life and make me feel good again. But when he was drunk, he was lost, there was always a point of no return and when we got to that point it made me sad. He's done things, and said things in this state of drunk that I am still working to forgive. The morning after being drunk, he would wake up and apologize for what he's done. The look on his eyes when he's realized how stupid he was being the night before is all so familiar. The remorse, and self loathing was all over his face. He would spend all day making promises to me, tell me that that is not the person he wants to be and that he will be better next time.

By all means, I don't think he is an alcoholic. He doesn't drink that much, which is probably why he so easily blacks out. We've had all of the same friends for years, we were friends before we started dating, the problem is our friends are very attatched to the partying culture, so when we do party, it never seems to end. So needless to say, our relationship was already a bit rocky.

Then today happened. It was our softball wind up, and I knew it was going to be a big party. I had been dreading it all week. Thats become the norm now, that I dread going to parties because of the way he gets drunk and the way they turn out. He promised me all week he wouldn't get stupid drunk, constantly reassuring me that I am his number 1 priority. If I needed to leave, we could leave.

I didn't end up going. The many days and sleepless nights of worrying about his gambling was taking a toll on me. The last thing I wanted, or needed was to deal with another typical drunk night. Even though he made all of those promises to not drink too much, I didn't believe, I knew he only need 4 or 5 to not be himself anymore. And it all sounded oh so familiar.

I told him that day I didn't want to go, and even though he told me it would make him really happy if I did come, he understood. He apologized for being the reason I was sad, and defeated. Before he left for supper and then to the house party. I pleaded to him if he could come home at early. He didn't want to. He made excuses like how he never sees this friend or that friend, and that he's been looking forward to spending some time with his friends with all of this stuff happening. I tried to be understanding, and give him his space to decompress. He reassured me over and over again he wouldn't get too drunk, that he'd come home at a decent time.

He left, and I cried. I cried for hours until I fell asleep, when I woke up it was already past midnight and I had not heard from him. I began to cry again. I am feeling so overwhelmed, and there is no one that I can talk to. I messaged him to come home, and to my surpise he was drunk. He wasn't his typical blackout drunk, but I could tell he wasn't himself anymore. I told him that I wasn't okay, that I needed him, I was feeling alone, and let down. He wasn't nice about it, he made me feel like i was being completely absurd, he was upset that I was asking him to leave the fun party and there was nothing he could do anyway to help me. I felt betrayed, after everything I am going through for him, he didn't even want to sacrafice a few hours of partying to be there for me. After 10 minutes of texting back and forth he finally agreed that if I was going to make a big fuss about it he would just come home. Which he did.

The problem was, when he got home it didn't make me feel any better. I was still depressed, overwhelmed, anxious. And he was drunk, not caring, not supportive, just drunk. He swore he wasn't, and I could tell he wasn't as drunk as he usually would be, but it was still not enough