Lying and Stealing

Hi there,

I don't know how helpful I can be, but I felt bad that you hadn't yet had a reply to your heartfelt message and wanted just to leave a few words. 

I am so sorry that you're going through this; it must be incredibly painful to love someone who keeps going back to gambling and stealing. His addiction is obviously very deeply ingrained. (That doesn't mean it's impossible for him to stop gambling for good, but it does mean it's a really difficult situation.) I hope you understand that none of this is your fault in any way - it actually sounds as if you have a clear sense of that which is good, but just in case, I'm reminding you! You couldn't have done anything more, or better, to support him. It's just a really sad situation. 

You can't know whether he will or won't keep his promises this time. Words are easy to say but actions are what counts.

I think all you can do is decide whether you can go through this again or not, focusing on your own survival. I know you love him but that's almost a side fact at this stage. You are a separate person who deserves a calm and happy life and I am glad you're getting some quiet time to reflect on things while he's temporarily moved out. 

I get that you want to help him, but you have helped him as much as anyone can and it hasn't stopped him gambling. He has to help himself. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh; it's not, remember that I am speaking as an addicted gambler (clean) myself! I am female by the way. If I'd gone back to gambling and I was stealing and my partner found out, I would probably make all sorts of promises to him and I would really genuinely believe that I meant them. But I would also not blame him for deciding enough was enough. And maybe that would give me the final push I needed to get things sorted once and for all for myself.

If you were my mate asking for advice I would honestly advise you to separate from him. But you didn't ask directly for advice so, obviously, ignore that if it's no help! 

Anyway, just didn't want to read and run. Take care of yourself.

@happierfuture Thank you so much for taking the time to send some hard truths. 

It is unbelievably painful; I don’t think I’ve ever experienced anything like this before. Every time it’s happened previously, I’ve been upset, but I’ve managed to forgive him (maybe naively). But this time I just really don’t know if I can go through it again. 

Thank you for reminding me that it’s not my fault. I’m struggling with it thinking I should have started checking his accounts earlier than I did. But then again, I shouldn’t have needed to check them at all if he was serious about recovering previously. 

I really wish I could just switch off my feelings and leave him once and for all, but it hurts me thinking of a life without him. Putting gambling to the side, he is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Bringing gambling back into the picture, he is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I feel like I can’t make this decision. Everyone around me keeps telling me to leave but my heart is telling me to stay. I don’t want to abandon him; I know this is a mental illness and he needs a lot of help to overcome it and I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me. But I also don’t think I could cope with him going to prison. I’m so conflicted - you can probably tell. 

Congratulations on your recovery. Do you mind if I ask how long that took for you? I imagine it was a long, difficult process. I’m going to join the friends & family chat room in the week as I’ve never spoken to anyone who has been through what I’m going through. Hoping to get some clarity then. 

@5th4smx1gi 

Hey, sorry it took a few days to get back to you but I've been away.

I can hear how horribly conflicted you are. And I do understand.

Sometimes it's time passing that's the only thing that makes a decision make-able, if you see what I mean, and at the moment you probably don't have enough information or a clear enough mind, and that's okay - maybe you don't need to rush into making things black and white. It's okay to take your time.

It will only be stressing you out more and more, feeling as if you have to make a decision, and with everyone around you telling you what to do, so if you can, try to find time each day to do things that take your mind off it and let yourself postpone any action. You've already asked him to move out temporarily to give you some space, and that was the right thing. Now try to actually create some "space NOT to think about it" sometimes, as well as "space to think about it"! Otherwise you're going to drive yourself mad. It's all part of practising putting yourself first, as well (in a survival way, not a selfish way.)

I don't mind you asking about my recovery at all, though I wouldn't describe it as "finished" like that; it's definitely an ongoing process. I've been struggling to stop gambling since about 6 months after I started, which unfortunately is now 19 years ago, and in that time I've had 1-2 years of simple abstinence more than once, but slipped back a thousand times as I didn't fully address the underlying issues.

Now I'm about 6 months off any kind of gambling or online games, and I have actually finally had in-depth therapy, made some big changes and addressed some of the driving forces that kept pulling me back to it, so I am currently feeling good about this potentially being "it" - but I know I've gone longer before and have still slipped back, so I'm not at the point of saying "that's it, I'm no longer addicted to gambling". And I probably never will. But so what? I don't want to believe that I'm "cured" as that would probably lead me back to gambling again and that's just too miserable a place to be. In the meantime I've done much of the work of forgiving myself and taking the shame out of the whole situation which means I don't feel desperate to remove that label of "addict" from myself. It's just a fact.

If I gamble, I have a gambling problem; if I don't gamble, it's not a problem, is kind of how it feels. Really simple. I will keep my blocks (Gamstop, Gamban) for as long as such things exist; they don't affect my life and I'm happy just to feel there's that friction there if I get into a place where I feel I might slip. While I do have control over my finances, I'm up-front with my partner about money in a way I've never been before which also helps.

But having said all of that, I must emphasise that I've had to do every ounce of work myself and be motivated from within. To REALLY get to this point has taken a hell of a long time and a huge amount of soul-searching. Most importantly, no one could have done it for me - and no one can do it for your boyfriend, except him.

I totally hear that you love him and you don't want the pain that comes with splitting up with someone you love. Of course you don't. Once again, I'm sorry you're going through it!

I think things will become clearer for you with time. 

All my best to you.