I've been honest with my in-laws with regard to everything I've found out about my husbands gambling/debt. My mother in laws conments of "things were never this bad when he lived here, we thought you had control of his money, how could you let it get this bad..." I'm beyond devestated and so so mad at their reaction. It's not my fault, their son has been lying to me since the day we met...he's lied about how much wages he gets so I thought he was giving me all his wages but in fact he was withhold at least half to enable him the gamble and get himself in this terrible mess.
They asked if I've excluded him from the betting shops etc and I've told them that he has to do that, I've found out the information of how to do it but he has to want to stop and it's his actions moving forward that will decide our future.. I'm so mad and so hurt that they could possibly think I was to blame for their son blowing £60k and getting us into £20k of debt.
I've gone through bank statements for the last 4 years and found payments from them so I've asked them questions and they've each admitted to giving him money.. neither of them knew the other had given him money.. all lies all part of his addiction.. my husband told me he'd paid for his season ticket up front, he told his dad we were struggling so could he have money for his season ticket? Which his dad gave him... guess what he's got no season ticket..... the money's gone on his addiction... just more and more lies.. feel drained and not sure how much I can take..,
Hi there :))
Look it's not your fault in any way shape or form , He chose to gamble and he chose to pull the wool over the eyes of his family just as he did with you .
Why are they expecting you to be responsible for his every action and deed ? , he's a grown man for god's sake .
They obviuosly need to direct thier anger toward somebody and as its not their precious little boy they'll chastise then it's going to be you ! . I'm afraid I'd tell them exactly how that makes you feel and in no uncertain terms , if their so shocked how do they expect you to feel .
This is no easy ride for you and it's not going anywhere quickly , so take some deep breaths and look after you :))
Hi LLT
Ill informed comments can sadly be a common experience. Be assured none of it is your fault in any way. He's the one who chose to gamble and he's the one who chose to lie about it and carry on lying about it. The inlaws however do need to be very clear that bailing him out in any way has to stop right now. We've probably all done it with the best of intentions but all it does is delay the CG making the connection between action and consequence as they must eventually do.
Hi LLT my father in law bailed my cg out to pay for honeymoon and wedding, money we'd saved, he gambled no one told me! I found out when my son was 18 months old. Secrets and lies still my sons 17 now. My husband told his mother this week that he's back at GA, apparently she said nothing, wasn't surprised. That's 20 years of gambling that she knows about. She's never ever spoken to me about it. Not one word of support. His sister ignores me. I am tired of it, I'm sure they blame me. I'm sure they're just glad it's not their problem anymore. They don't seem to care that their grandchildren suffer. They're all liars, I hate it! I feel your anger and pain.
Hi,
Short answer: It's not your fault. You didn't Cause his gambling, you can't Control his gambling, you can't Cure his gambling. The best advice to you is not to try. Protect yourself emotionally and financially but don't take it upon yourself to fix him. Fix you and keep your focus on you.
The gambling didn't happen by accident, nor was it a random occurrence. His family has some dysfunctional patterns of relating to each other, as evidenced by their responses to you. In particular, they have no clear concept of who is responsible for what. He is an adult and one of the key factors in recovery is taking responsibility for choices instead of taking the easy option of blaming external factors or people.
It's fair enough for a mother to repeatedly save a toddler from himself and clear up his mess. It's the natural order of things, but such mothering is not natural for an adult.
However, you do have your own problems, namely the effect that his behaviour is having on your peace of mind. Best advice is to attend GamAnon meetings, for your own sake, to help you.
CW
Thank you everyone.. I feel quite bad about writing the original post, as I now feel sorry for my in laws, I was just thinking about myself and my hurt when I wrote this post and was overlooking the shock and hurt they must of been feeling when they found out what there son had done and his mum was just looking for someone to blame and maybe just said the wrong things..
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